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AUGUSTUS CARP, Esq. 




















cT^yself at the aye of 2J fom a ffiotoyrayk 
now tn the^possession, of tf)e (feih'oyd Sinjtorj Tllfe^ 












































































































































AUGUSTUS CARP, Esq. 

By HIMSELF 

BEING THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF 
A REALLY GOOD MAN 


With 

Illustrations by 

ROBIN 


BOSTON & NEW YORK 
HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY 



Printed in Great Britain 


3 3 A A 3 (a 










* 


DEDICATED 


TO THE MEMORY OF MY DEAR FATHER 

AUGUSTUS CARP 


OF CAMBERWELL 




























CONTENTS 


CHAPTER I 

PAGE 

No apology for writing this book. An imperative duty 
under present conditions. Description of my parents 
and their personal appearances. Description of 
Mon Repos, Angela Gardens. Long anxiety prior 
to my birth. Intense joy when at last this takes 
place. My father’s decision as to my Xtian name. 

Early selection of my first godfather . . . i 

CHAPTER II 

Trials of my infancy. Varieties of indigestion. I suffer 
from a local erythema. Instance of my father’s 
unselfishness. Difficulty in providing a second 
godfather. Unexpected solution of the problem. 

The ceremony of my baptism. A narrow escape. 

Was it culpable carelessness ? My father transfers 
his worship to St. James-the-Lesser-Still, Peckham 
Rye.9 


CHAPTER III 

My parents’ studies in the upbringing of children. A 
successful instance of non-vaccination. Further 
example of my father’s consideration for others. 
My mother’s ill-health. My parents engage a char¬ 
woman. Her appearance and character. Physical 
characteristics of her son. Deplorable social result 
of the war. Continued presumption of char- 
vii 



Vlll 


CONTENTS 


woman's son. I rebuff him. Affection for grey 
rabbit. Charwoman's son’s cannon and the use 
made of it by him. Scenes of violence, and inter¬ 
vention of my father. Intervention of charwoman. 
A lethargic vicar. Was he also immoral ? My father 
transfers his worship to St. James-the-Least-of-All. 


CHAPTER IV 

Further years of boyhood and additional crosses. Pro¬ 
gress in study and music. I excel at the game of 
Nuts in May. I am to go to Hopkinson House 
School. But Providence again intervenes. I be¬ 
come a victim of the ring-worm. Devastating 
effect of an ointment. Mr. Balfour Whey and his 
sons. A brutal County Court judge. But my 
father obtains damages ..... 

CHAPTER V 

First experiences at Hopkinson House School. It is 
amongst the masters that I hope to find spiritual 
companionship. I do not do so. Apology of Mr. 
Muglington. I am struck by a football. Subse¬ 
quent apology of Mr. Beerthorpe. Degraded habits 
of my fellow-scholars. A fearful discovery and its 
sequel. Amazing ineptitude of Mr. Lorton. Con¬ 
certed assault upon my person. I am rescued by 
my father, who procures a public apology 


CHAPTER VI 

Reasons for remaining at Hopkinson House School. I 
pass from boyhood to early young manhood. 
Expeditions both urban and rural in the company 
of my dear father. An excellent and little-known 
diversion. Youthful adventures by sea and land. 
But what is to be my career on leaving school? 


CONTENTS 


IX 


PAGE 

Various alternatives prayerfully considered. A 
vision is vouchsafed to us by Providence. A com¬ 
mercial Xtian. My first razor 60 

CHAPTER VII 

A further vision is vouchsafed to us by Providence. Mr. 
Chrysostom Lorton and the sources of his wealth. 

The debt owed to me by Mr. Septimus Lorton. 
Interview with Mr. and Mrs. Septimus Lorton. 

Mr. Septimus Lorton's disgraceful attitude. My 
father is compelled to be frank with him. What I 
discovered in Greenwich Park 73 

CHAPTER VIII 

Second interview with Mr. Septimus Lorton. But now 
the tables are turned. A pitiful exhibition. My 
father demands guarantees. He will write a letter 
to Mrs. Chrysostom Lorton. My father’s ordeal. 

When it was dark ...... 89 

CHAPTER IX 

Effect upon my father of his disclosure. My Xtian 
confidence in journeying to Enfield. Paternoster 
Towers and its mistress. Unfortunate detachment 
of my posterior trouser buttons. Triumphant suc¬ 
cess of my interview. A kindly parlourmaid and 
her male friend. I secure a position under Mr. 
Chrysostom Lorton. Melancholy death of Silas 
Whey ........ 95 


CHAPTER X 

Precautionary measures on entering commercial life. I 
join the N.S.L. and the S.P.S.D.T. A crying need in 
the conduct of prayer-meetings. I join the A .D.S. U. 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Personal appearance of Ezekiel Stool. Personal 
appearance of his five sisters. Predicament of 
Ezekiel Stool on the fifth of November. A timely 
instance of presence of mind. I am invited to a 
meal at the Stools’ residence. A foreshadowing of 
sinister events . . . . . . .hi 


CHAPTER XI 

Design for my grandfather’s tomb. Death and inter¬ 
ment of Mrs. Emily Smith and the aunt that had 
stood with my mother’s mother at the bottom 
of the stairs. Effect upon my father’s health. 
Alexander Carkeek and his sons. Arrival home 
from the Stools. First tidings of the new lectern. 

My father’s interview with the vicar. Curious 
instance of transposition of consonants. My father 
rehearses his denunciation. Arrival of Simeon 
Whey. My father repeats his denunciation . 125 

CHAPTER XII 

Breakfast finds us calm but grave. My mother is 
allowed to accompany us to church. My father’s 
clothing and general demeanour. Remarks of 
Simeon Whey on my father’s hat. First impres¬ 
sions of the new lectern. Unmistakable evidences 
of guilt. The vicar’s feeble apologia. A devilish 
device and its disastrous results. I race with 
Corkran for half a crown. My poor father is three 
times dropped. . . . . . . .144 


CHAPTER XIII 

Description of the injuries sustained by my father. A 
supremely difficult medical problem. Legal assist¬ 
ance of Mr. Balfour Whey. Infamous decisions and 
public comments. A quiet church and obliging 


CONTENTS 


xi 


PAGE 

clergy. Surprising character-growth of Ezekiel. A 
distasteful proposition generously put forward. 
Disgusting behaviour of a show-room manager . 158 

CHAPTER XIV 

Person and character of Mr. Archibald Maidstone. 
Irreverent attitude towards the firm’s publications. 
Would-be laxity of two constables. Their tardy 
performance of an obvious duty. Deplorable con¬ 
dition of my Sunday trousers. Their effect on Miss 
Botterill and Mr. Chrysostom Lorton. The arrival 
and influence of the Reverend Eugene Cake. Mr. 
Maidstone is dismissed and I succeed him. Com¬ 
plete discomfiture of his three elder children . .170 

CHAPTER XV 

Happy years. A typical day. Simeon Whey is at last 
ordained. His first sermon at St. Sepulchre’s, 
Balham. Intensive campaign of the A.D.S.U. I 
meet Miss Moonbeam and call her Mary. Affecting 
appeal not to leave her in darkness. I promise not 
to do so. A face to lean on. Will I come again? 
Adventure on the stage of the Empresses Theatre . 185 

CHAPTER XVI 

Disappointing attitude of Ezekiel. Suggested nuptials 
of Miss Moonbeam. An occasion for tact and post¬ 
ponement. I am obliged to write a letter. Ezekiel 
accompanies me to the Empresses Theatre. We are 
a little taken back by the numbers to be rescued. 

An apparently delightful beverage. I address Miss 
Moonbeam’s friends on the subject of temperance. 
Ezekiel addresses them on the evils of the drama. 

We arrange a meeting. Description of meeting . 204 


CONTENTS 


xii 


CHAPTER XVII 

PAGE 

Profound depression subsequent to port-poisoning. An 
iniquitous plot and its consequences. Insubordina¬ 
tion of Miss Botterill. I retire from the firm of 
Mr. Chrysostom Lorton. A crushing rejoinder and 
its repetition. Second journey to Enfield. Trans¬ 
formation of Mrs. Chrysostom’s boudoir. Un¬ 
expected repentance of Mrs. Chrysostom. Unfor¬ 
tunate results of this for myself. Fruitless termina- 
of interview ....... 234 

CHAPTER XVIII 

Physical reaction following my interview with Mrs. 
Chrysostom. Reception of a wreath from the 
Maidstones. Moving excerpt from Simeon’s diary. 

I decide to marry one of Ezekiel’s sisters. Inter¬ 
view with Ezekiel and his deplorable language. 

Tact is selected to become my bride. Tragic return 
to Mon Repos. I fall unconscious, parallel to my 
father ........ 252 

CHAPTER XIX 

Commencement of my life’s afternoon. My father’s 
eight sisters-in-law return to Wales. Astounding 
attitude of my mother. Physical effect thereof on 
myself. I move to Stoke Newington. Further 
parochial activities. Simeon Whey obtains a living. 

I move to Hornsey and become a Churchwarden. 
Complete decline of Ezekiel Stool. Birth of my 
son. A happy augury ..... 264 


LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 


TO FACE PAGE 

myself at the age of twenty-one . Frontispiece 

(From a photograph now in the possession of the Reverend Simeon Whey.) 

MY DEAR FATHER IN HIS PRIME .... 28 

(Taken from a group of sidesmen of St. James-the-Less.) 

FROM A PORTRAIT OF THE AUNT WHO STOOD WITH MY 

MOTHER’S MOTHER AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS . 40 

MR. CHRYSOSTOM LORTON ..... I08 

ALEXANDER CARKEEK AND HIS TWO SONS . . 130 

EZEKIEL STOOL ....... l68 

(Drawn from a portrait once in the possession of the A.D.S.U.) 

THE REV. SIMEON WHEY ...... 192 

(From a photograph in my possession.) 

THE TWIN SISTERS OF EZEKIEL STOOL . . *256 

(The right-hand one became my wife.) 







CHAPTER I 


No apology for writing this book. An imperative duty under 
present conditions. Description of my parents and their 
personal appearances. Description of Mon Repos, Angela 
Gardens. Long anxiety prior to my birth. Intense joy 
when at last this takes place. My father’s decision as to 
my Xtian name. Early selection of my first godfather. 

It is customary, I have noticed, in publishing 
an autobiography to preface it with some sort 
of apology. But there are times, and surely the 
present is one of them, when to do so is mani¬ 
festly unnecessary. In an age when every 
standard of decent conduct has either been torn 
down or is threatened with destruction; when 
every newspaper is daily reporting scenes of 
violence, divorce, and arson; when quite young 
girls smoke cigarettes and even, I am assured, 
sometimes cigars; when mature women, the 
mothers of unhappy children, enter the sea in 
one-piece bathing-costumes; and when married 
men, the heads of households, prefer the flicker 
of the cinematograph to the Athanasian Creed— 
then it is obviously a task, not to be justifiably 
avoided, to place some higher example before the 
world. 

B 


2 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

For some time—I am now forty-seven—I had 
been feeling this with increasing urgency. And 
when not only my wife and her four sisters, but 
the vicar of my parish, the Reverend Simeon 
Whey, approached me with the same suggestion, 
I felt that delay would amount to sin. That 
sin, by many persons, is now lightly regarded, 
I am, of course, only too well aware. That 
its very existence is denied by others is a fact 
equally familiar to me. But I am not one of 
them. On every ground I am an unflinching 
opponent of sin. I have continually rebuked 
it in others. I have strictly refrained from it 
in myself. And for that reason alone I have 
deemed it incumbent upon me to issue this 
volume. 

A glance at the frontispiece will show me as I 
appeared at the age of twenty-one. But I pro¬ 
pose in the first instance to deal with my earliest 
surroundings and the influence exerted upon me 
by my father. Believing as I do that every man 
(and to a lesser extent every woman) is almost 
entirely the product of his or her personal 
endeavours, I cannot pretend, of course, to 
attach much importance to merely paternal 
influence. Nevertheless in the lives of each one 
of us it undoubtedly plays a certain part. And 
although my father had numerous faults, as I 
afterwards discovered and was able to point out 


3 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

to him, he yet brought to bear on me the full 
force of a frequently noble character. 

That such was his duty I do not of course 
deny. But duty well done is rare enough to 
deserve a tribute. And in days such as these, 
when fatherhood is so lightly regarded, and is so 
frequently, indeed, accidental, too much atten¬ 
tion can surely not be given to so opposite an 
instance. 

At the time of my birth, then, and until his 
death, my father was a civic official in a respon¬ 
sible position, being a collector of outstanding 
accounts for the Consolidated Water Board. In 
addition, he was one of the most respected and 
trustworthy agents of the Durham and West 
Hartlepool Fire and Burglary Insurance Com¬ 
pany, a sidesman of the Church of St. James- 
the-Less in Camberwell, and the tenant of Mon 
Repos, Angela Gardens. This was one of some 
thirty-six admirably conceived houses of a 
similar and richly ornamented architecture, the 
front door of each being flanked and sur¬ 
mounted by diamond-shaped panes of blue and 
vermilion glass; and though it was true that 
this particular house had been named by the 
landlord in a foreign tongue, it must not be 
assumed that this nomenclature in any way met 
with my father's approval. On the contrary, 
he had not only protested, but such was his 


4 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


distrust of French morality that he had always 
insisted, both for himself and others, upon a 
strictly English pronunciation. 

Somewhat under lower middle height, my 
father, even as a boy, had been inclined to 
corpulence, a characteristic, inherited by myself, 
that he succeeded in retaining to the end of his 
life. Nor did he ever lose—or not to any 
marked extent—either the abundant hair that 
grew upon his scalp, his glossy and luxurious 
moustache, or his extraordinarily powerful voice. 
This was a deep bass that in moments of emotion 
became suddenly converted into a high falsetto, 
and he never hesitated, in a cause that he deemed 
righteous, to employ it to its full capacity. 
Always highly coloured, and the fortunate 
possessor of an exceptionally large and well- 
modelled ncse, my father's eyes were of a singu¬ 
larly pale, unwinking blue, while in his massive 
ears, with their boldly outstanding rims, resided 
the rare faculty of independent motion. 

My mother, on the other hand, presented 
hardly a feature that could, in the strictest sense, 
have been called beautiful, although she was 
somewhat taller than my father, with eyes that 
were similar in their shade of blue. Like my 
father's, too, her nose was large, but it had been 
built on lines that were altogether weaker, and 
the slightly reddish down upon her upper lip 


5 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

might even by some people have been considered 
a disfigurement. She had inherited, however, 
together with five hundred pounds, an appar¬ 
ently gentle disposition, and was a scion or 
scioness of the Walworth Road branch of the 
great family of Robinson. Herself the eldest 
of the nine daughters of Mortiiher Robinson, a 
well-known provision merchant, my father had 
claimed relationship for her, albeit unsuccess¬ 
fully, with Peter Robinson of Oxford Street, 
while he used half humorously to assert her con¬ 
nection with the fictional character known as 
Robinson Crusoe. Clean in her habits, quiet 
about the house, and invariably obedient to his 
slightest wish, he had very seldom indeed, as 
he often told me, seriously regretted his choice 
of a wife. 

With sufficient capital, therefore, not only to 
furnish his house, but to pay its first year's 
rent and establish an emergency fund, my father 
might well have been supposed by an ignorant 
observer to be free from every anxiety. Such 
was not the case, however, and he was obliged, 
almost immediately, to face one of the sternest 
ordeals of his married life. Ardently desiring 
increase, it was not for nine and a half months 
that Providence saw fit to answer his prayers, 
and as week succeeded week and the cradle still 
remained empty, only his unfaltering faith saved 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


him from despair. But the hour came at last, 
and so vividly has my father described it to me 
that I have long since shared its triumphant joy. 

Born at half-past three on a February morn¬ 
ing, the world having been decked with a slight 
snow-fall, it was then that my mother’s aunt, 
Mrs. Emily Smith, opened the bedroom door 
and emerged on the landing. My father had 
gone outside to lean over the gate, and was still 
leaning there when she opened the door, but my 
mother’s mother, with another of my mother’s 
aunts, were standing with bowed heads at the 
foot of the stairs. Prone in the parlour, and 
stretched in uneasy attitudes, five of her eight 
sisters were snatching a troubled sleep, while two 
fellow-members of my mother’s Mothers’ Guild 
were upon their knees in the back kitchen. 
But for the fact, indeed, that two of my mother’s 
sisters had not, at that time, had their tonsils 
removed, the whole house would have been 
wrapped in the profoundest stillness. 

My mother’s mother was the first to see Mrs. 
Smith, though she only saw her, as it were, 
through a mist. Mrs. Smith was the first to 
speak, in a voice tremulous with emotion. 

“ Where’s Augustus?” she said. Augustus 
was my father’s name. 

“ He’s just gone outside,” said my mother’s 
mother. 


7 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

Something splashed heavily on the hall 
linoleum. It was a drop of moisture from Mrs. 
Smith's forehead. 

“ Tell him,” she said, “ that he's the father of 
a son.” 

My mother's mother gave a great ery. My 
father was beside her in a single leap. Always, 
as I have said, highly coloured, his face at this 
moment seemed literally on fire. The two 
fellow-members of my mother's Mothers' Guild, 
accompanied by my father's five sisters-in-law, 
rushed into the hall. Mrs. Smith leaned over 
the banisters. 

“ A boy,” she said. “ It's a boy.” 

“ A boy? ” said my father. 

“ Yes, a boy,” said Mrs. Smith. 

There was a moment's hush, and then Nature 
had its way. My father unashamedly burst into 
tears. My mother's mother kissed him on the 
neck just as the two fellow-members burst into 
a hymn; and a moment later, my mother's five 
sisters burst simultaneously into the doxology. 
Then my father recovered himself and held up 
his hand. 

“ I shall call him Augustus,” he said, “ after 
myself.” 

“ Or tin ? ” suggested my mother's mother. 
“ What about calling him tin, after the saint? ” 

“ How do you mean—tin ? ” said my father. 


8 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ Augus-tin,” said Mrs. Emily Smith. 

But my father shook his head. 

“ No, it shall be tus,” he said. “ Tus is better 
than tin.” 

Then his five sisters-in-law resumed the sing¬ 
ing, from which the two fellow-members had 
been unable to desist, until my father, who had 
been rapidly thinking, once again held up his 
hand. 

“ And I shall give the vicar,” he said, “ the 
first opportunity of becoming Augustus's god¬ 
father.” 

Then he took a deep breath, threw back his 
shoulders, tilted his chin, and closed his eyes; 
and with the full vigour of his immense voice, he 
too joined in the doxology. 


CHAPTER II 


Trials of my infancy. Varieties of indigestion. I suffer from 
a local erythema. Instance of my father’s unselfishness. 
Difficulty in providing a second godfather. Unexpected 
solution of the problem. The ceremony of my baptism. 
A narrow escape. Was it culpable carelessness ? My 
father transfers his worship to St. James-the-Lesser-Still, 
Peckham Rye. 


With the portion of my life that intervened 
between my birth and my baptism I do not 
propose, owing to exigencies of space, to deal 
in the fullest detail. But it may be of some 
comfort to weaker fellow-sufferers to be assured 
that, from the outset, the ill health to which I 
have been a life-long martyr played its part in 
testing my character. Singularly well formed, 
of a sanguine complexion, and weighing not less 
than four and three-quarter pounds, Providence 
saw fit almost immediately to purge me without 
medicinal aid. Whether this was due, under 
Higher Supervision, as my father several times 
forcibly suggested to her, to some dietary excess 
or indiscretion on the part of my mother was 
never determined. But the fact remained that 
for several weeks I suffered from indigestion in 
two main directions. 


9 


10 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


Twice indeed, on the grounds of health, the 
ceremony of my baptism had to be postponed; 
and for hours together, I have been told, I lay 
upon my back, with my knees drawn up and 
my fingers clenched, in an anguished endeavour 
to stifle the moans that I was too enfeebled 
wholly to suppress. Time after time, too, my 
mother's mother, the aunt that had stood with 
her at the bottom of the stairs, and various of 
my mother’s sisters would recommend alterna¬ 
tive forms of nourishment. But although, at 
my father’s desire, each of these suggestions was 
given an immediate trial, it was not for two 
months, and until I had been subjected to a 
heart-breaking period of starvation, that an 
affliction abated to which I have since been liable 
at any moment of undue excitement. 

Chastened within, however, as I had been, I 
was not to escape chastisement without. For no 
sooner had I begun, in some small measure, to 
assimilate the food provided for me than I 
became the victim of an unfortunate skin com¬ 
plaint known, as I am informed, as erythema. 
This was happily local, but it gave rise to a very 
profound irritation, and one that proved, as my 
father has often assured me, to be of a peculiarly 
obstinate character. Naturally diffident, owing 
to the site of the affection, to mention it even to 
the family doctor, my parents exhausted their 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 11 

every resource without procuring the least 
alleviation. Though for night after night they 
made it a matter of prayer, my sufferings were 
pitiful, I have been told, to the last extreme; 
and almost hourly, from supper-time to break¬ 
fast, the darkness was rent with my cries. 

Unable at last, owing to his acute sensibilities, 
to witness my agony any longer, my father was 
obliged, with the deepest reluctance, to confine 
himself to a separate bedroom. But it was in 
this extremity that his almost Quixotic unselfish¬ 
ness shone if possible with an added lustre. 
From the time of his marriage to the day of my 
birth, and as soon thereafter as the doctor had 
permitted her to rise, my father had been in the 
habit of enabling my mother to provide him with 
an early cup of tea. And this he had done by 
waking her regularly a few minutes before six 
o'clock. In view of the fact, however, that he 
was now occupying a different bedroom, and 
that, owing to my indisposition, she was awake 
most of the night, he offered to excuse her 
should she chance to be asleep at that hour, 
from the performance of this wifely duty. 
Needless to say, it was not an offer that she 
could accept. Indeed, in his heart he had not 
expected her to do so. And I have even con¬ 
sidered the incident, in later days, as illustrative 
of a certain weakness in my father's character. 


12 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

But I have never been able to regard it without 
affection or to forbear mentioning it on appro¬ 
priate occasions. 

That in most respects, however, my father's 
temperament was an exceptionally unflinching 
one was amply corroborated by the circum¬ 
stances attendant upon the choice of my second 
godfather. This gave rise, as my father has 
frequently told me, to the most prolonged and 
anxious discussions, and entailed an enormous 
amount of correspondence, some of which has 
been preserved among the family documents. 
For with his ruthless determination, inherited 
by myself, to discover and expose every kind of 
wrong-doing, with his life-long habit of inform¬ 
ing those in authority of any dereliction of duty 
in themselves and their subordinates, and with 
the passion for truth that compelled him on 
every occasion instantly to correct what he 
deemed the reverse, my father had necessarily 
but little leisure to cultivate the easy art of 
friendship. Amongst his acquaintances, in¬ 
deed, there were but few that even remotely 
approximated to his standards; and he had 
found none that his conscience had permitted 
him to select for the purposes of personal 
friendship. 

It was for this reason that, on the occasion of 
his marriage, he had dispensed with the services 


13 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

of a best man. And although the vicar had 
eventually agreed to act as one of my male 
sponsors, the appointment of a second began 
to assume the proportions of an almost insolu¬ 
ble problem. It being manifestly impossible to 
hope for a suitable candidate among such persons 
as occasionally called at the house, and my 
father’s character having long ago isolated him 
from his more immediate masculine relatives, 
he resolved at last to appeal to the public sense 
of the higher officials of the Church of Eng¬ 
land. 

Nor was the result ungratifying, as various 
letters still in my possession go to prove. Though 
unable, owing to so many similar and previ¬ 
ously acquired obligations, to accede to my 
father’s suggestion, all of them replied with the 
greatest courtesy. Thus the Dean of St. Paul’s 
wrote in person wishing me every success in 
life; the Bishop of London trusted that my 
father’s aspirations as to my personal holiness 
would be realized; while the Archbishop of 
Canterbury commanded his secretary to express 
his gratification at the suggestion of an honour 
that only the exigencies of his position as Primate 
forbade him to accept. Needless to say, those 
in charge of the State, whom my father next 
approached, behaved very differently. Neither 
the Prime Minister nor the Home Secretary saw 


14 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

fit to reply at all, while the President of the 
Board of Trade merely expressed a formal regret. 
And yet in the end, as is so often the case, the 
solution proved quite a simple one. Turn but a 
stone, says a poet, and start a wing. And my 
father did not even need to turn a stone. Sick 
at heart, he was returning home one night when 
he suddenly caught sight of himself in a cheese¬ 
monger’s window. It was as though Providence, 
he said, had touched him on the shoulder. 
Whereas he had been blind, he said, then he 
saw. For a moment the shock was almost too 
much for him. A member of the constabulary, 
indeed, actually asked him to move on. But 
the solution was there, staring him in the face. 
Involuntarily he raised his hat. He himself was 
the man. 

With my aunt, Mrs. Emily Smith, only too 
eager to be my godmother, everything now 
seemed to be propitious for the happy consum¬ 
mation of my baptism, and no more earnest or 
reverent gathering could have been found that 
day in any metropolitan church. The vicar 
being godfather, the actual ceremony was, at 
my father’s suggestion, performed by the senior 
curate, the junior curate, in deference to my 
father’s position as sidesman, being on the 
vicar’s right hand between him and my mo¬ 
ther. 


15 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

On the senior curate's left stood my father, 
flanked on his own left by the verger, the circle 
round the font being completed by Mrs. Emily 
Smith, my mother's mother, my mother's 
father, her eight sisters and the aunt that had 
stood with my mother's mother at the foot of 
the stairs. A soft April rain was refreshing the 
outside world, and the first part of the service 
had been successfully performed, when an 
incident occurred that might well have been 
attended with the most tragic and irreparable 
consequences. For there suddenly took place, 
just as I had been handed to the senior curate, 
so acute an exacerbation of the erythema that, 
in the ensuing convulsion, he was quite unable 
to retain me in his grasp. 

I say unable, but, as my father pointed out to 
him immediately after the close of the service, 
had I suffered any provable damage he would 
certainly have taken legal advice. Falling from 
his arms, however, I remained poised for a 
moment upon the extreme brim of the font, and 
then fell forward, colliding with the vicar, who 
stumbled backwards in his efforts to save me. 
From the tottering vicar I then ricochetted, in 
what I believe is a military phrase, towards the 
feet of the junior curate, who became unex¬ 
pectedly the instrument of Providence. I do 
not myself practise, nor do I greatly approve, 


16 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


any form of merely athletic exercise. But it was 
perhaps fortunate that the curate in question 
happened to be a skilful player of cricket. For 
just as my head was within an inch of the floor 
and the blood had receded from every counten¬ 
ance, he shot out his hand and succeeded in 
catching me in a position technically known, I 
believe, as the slips. 

“ Oh, well held, sir ! " cried the senior curate, 
and then for a moment or two his emotion 
overcame him. 

The vicar, still pale, recovered his balance. 

“Poor little Augustus/' said my mother; 
“ it's the irritation." 

My father frowned at her. 

“ Without prejudice," he said. And then for 
perhaps half a minute there was a deathly 
silence. It was fractured, I have been told, by 
myself, as the junior curate handed me back to 
the senior. 

But my father intervened. 

“ Not again," he said. “ Never again; never 
in this world." 

The silence was resumed, broken only by 
myself. My father stood holding me, trembling 
with emotion. The vicar took a deep breath. 

“ Is the service to proceed? " he asked. 

“ Certainly," said my father. “ But in other 
hands." 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


17 


It was another instance of his dominating 
character, but also of his innate sense of justice. 

“ I am not insensible/’ he said to the senior 
curate, “ of the services that you have already 
rendered. But in the interests of my son, as 
you must surely agree, I cannot again trust him 
to your care.” 

The senior curate bowed, but did not articulate 
a reply, and my father then handed me once 
more to the junior. For a moment the latter 
hesitated, but at the vicar’s request accepted 
the privilege of concluding my baptism. Later, 
I have been told, there was a certain amount of 
argument, in which my father more than held 
his own, finally absolving the vicar from further 
sponsorial duties and notifying his decision to 
transfer his worship elsewhere. 

For a man of my father’s position this was a 
serious step. But it was one that he did not 
hesitate to take. And within a year, as I have 
always been proud to remember, he had made 
himself a sidesman at St. James-the-Lesser-Still, 
Peckham Rye. 


c 


CHAPTER III 


My parents’ studies in the upbringing of children. A successful 
instance of non-vaccination. Further example of my 
father's consideration for others. My mother’s ill-health. 
My parents engage a charwoman. Her appearance and 
character. Physical characteristics of her son. Deplor¬ 
able social result of the war. Continued presumption 
of charwoman’s son. I rebuff him. Affection for grey 
rabbit. Charwoman’s son’s cannon and the use made of 
it by him. Scenes of violence, and intervention of my 
father. Intervention of charwoman. A lethargic vicar. 
Was he also immoral? My father transfers his worship 
to St. James-the-Least-of-All. 

Apart from the ill-health to which I have 
previously made reference, but which was punc¬ 
tuated with intervals of comparative well¬ 
being, I have always regarded my first five or 
six years as a particularly fruitful period. At 
my father’s desire, almost in this case a com¬ 
mand, my mother began to study various books 
on childhood, such as Dr. Brewinson’s Childish 
Complaints , Mrs. Edward Podmere’s Diet in 
Infancy , the Reverend Ambrose Walker’s First 
Steps in Religion , Wilbur P. Nathan’s The Babe 
and the Infinite , Mrs. Wood-Mortimer’s Clothes 
and the Young , and Jonathan and Cornwall’s 
Dictionary of Home Medicine. Each of these, 

18 


19 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

with the exception of the Dictionary, was 
borrowed in turn from the nearest public library, 
and it became my mother's custom to consecrate 
her afternoon rest hour to the perusal of these 
volumes. 

According to an arrangement suggested by my 
father, she would study one chapter each after¬ 
noon, or alternatively three and a half pages 
of the Dictionary of Home Medicine . On his 
return from work, and after she had washed up 
the supper dishes—for my father at this time 
did not employ a domestic—he would put her 
through a searching examination upon what 
she had read earlier in the day. If, as was 
frequently the case, since my mother was not 
naturally scholastic, she failed to satisfy her 
examiner, he would playfully impose upon her 
the little penalty of again going through her 
task before she went to bed. And on such 
occasions, if he had not fallen asleep, he would 
re-examine her when she came to bid him good¬ 
night. If, on the other hand, her replies had 
been judged adequate, it was an understood 
thing that she might claim an extra kiss. So 
seriously, indeed, did my mother apply herself 
that she began to grow unattractively thin; and 
once, when she had failed in her examination on 
three successive nights, she actually burst into 
tears. For this feminine weakness, when she 


20 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


had asked his pardon, my father of course 
readily forgave her, merely pointing out that, 
with my future at stake, he was obviously unable 
to relax his standards. 

Regarding me thus, from the very first, as a 
sacred trust committed to their charge, this is 
but a small example of the immense and un¬ 
remitting care with which my parents undertook 
me. But it will at least suffice to show that 
they had not underrated the high task to which 
they had been called. To my father especially, 
as the months slipped all too quickly by, I 
became inexpressibly dear; and it was for that 
reason among others that I escaped the torments 
of vaccination. Though Jonathan and Corn- 
walks Dictionary of Home Medicine advocated 
this operation on historical grounds, my father 
had an instinctive, but none the less well- 
reasoned, horror of the knife. Himself the 
subject of frequent boils, he would never permit 
these to be lanced, invariably giving orders that 
they should be poulticed until Nature herself 
brought about their evacuation. Nor can I say 
that, in my own case, he has been other than 
completely justified. It is true that I have 
suffered, and still do suffer, apart from the 
indigestion previously referred to, from several 
forms of neurasthenia, a marked tendency to 
eczema, occipital headaches, sour eructations, 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


21 


and flatulent distension of the abdomen. But 
from smallpox, although entirely unvaccinated, 
I have always remained singularly immune. 

A similar prescience, too, sufficed to protect 
me from the anguish and indignity of personal 
chastisement. For although in principle my 
father was an ardent supporter of this, and 
indeed had administered it to several of his 
relatives' children, he had never required it, 
he said, in his own case, and did not propose 
to have it inflicted on me. And it was the 
abrogation of this rule, although not until my 
seventh year, by the son of a powerful Hibernian 
charwoman that first revealed to me, in a never- 
to-be-forgotten flash, some of the profoundest 
depths of human iniquity. 

It was soon after my sixth birthday that my 
father was first compelled to employ a char¬ 
woman, owing to an attack of unconsciousness 
on the part of my mother. For several months 
she had been complaining of breathlessness, 
incident upon certain of her domestic duties, 
such as floor-scrubbing, home laundry-work, 
cleaning the front steps, and polishing the boots 
and shoes. With his usual consideration my 
father had instantly remitted various other tasks 
proper to her position, such as the baking of 
bread twice a week, and the knitting of the 
family socks and stockings; and he had further 


22 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


excused her from my own daily tuition in both 
Latin and arithmetic. Involving, as these sub¬ 
jects did, considerable previous preparation, this 
was of course a sensible relief, obtained though 
it was at some hazard to my own intellectual 
future. But despite all these concessions, she 
continued to be unwell, and finally, as I have 
said, lapsed into unconsciousness. 

For a brief period, therefore, and after medical 
advice, my father resolved to employ extraneous 
aid, and at a very considerable financial sacrifice 
engaged a person called Mrs. O’Flaherty. The 
widow of a colour-sergeant, and one of the 
church scrubbers, she was highly recommended 
by the vicar of St. James-the-Lesser-Still, and 
was not devoid, in certain deceptive respects, 
of the superficial charm of her race. Ominously 
developed as she was, both below and above the 
waist, her features were informed with an unin¬ 
telligent but specious cheerfulness; and these, 
together with a not unattractive complexion, 
sufficed for some time to impose upon my mother. 

My father, from the beginning, had his doubts 
of her character, but in view of the vicar’s 
recommendation, decided to employ her; and for 
the first month or two, apart from her habit of 
singing, found no cause for particular complaint. 
He even went so far, upon my mother’s inter¬ 
cession, as to allow the woman to bring her 


28 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

youngest child with her, a somewhat gross and 
over-exuberant lad a few months younger than 
myself. 

That this youth, practically a gutter-snipe, 
and afterwards a private in the army, should 
have become a Brigadier-General in the late war, 
and even have received, as I understand, some 
kind of decoration, was one of the most deplor¬ 
able of the many social upheavals for which 
that disaster was responsible. 

From the very outset, with that sensitiveness 
of vision granted by Providence to certain 
children, I regarded this new intruder with the 
deepest suspicion. Obviously inheriting the 
physique of his mother, and as it seemed the 
proclivities of his father, his chief article of 
amusement appeared to be a small cannon, 
equipped with a spring for purposes of propul¬ 
sion. This he offered to lend me on the occasion 
of his first visit, but declining his advances 
I moved to another room, where I continued 
my study of a book upon the apostles, written 
for the young by a Somersetshire clergyman. 

Undeterred, however, by a reticence that 
should have been more than sufficient for a boy 
with the least good feeling, Desmond, for that 
was his pretentious name, made a similar offer 
on his second visit. Again I declined and 
removed myself, subsequently mentioning the 


24 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

matter to my father, who instantly gave orders 
that for the future Mrs. O’Flaherty’s boy was 
to be confined to the kitchen. 

“ You will kindly make it clear,” he said, “ to 
your son that I cannot have my own son dis¬ 
turbed, and that admission to my house does 
not necessarily include admission to my social 
circle.” 

Unfortunately, owing to a very natural slip 
due to the rapidity of his elocution, my father 
pronounced these words as sershle soakle; and 
I have never forgotten the vulgar and ill- 
concealed grin with which Mrs. O’Flaherty 
promised to attend to the matter. 

Upon the following Saturday, however, a 
beautiful day in June, with the gerania in the 
front garden in full bloom, Desmond O’Flaherty 
again began to make overtures to me through 
the open door of the kitchen. The parlour door 
being again ajar, I was of course visible to him as 
I reclined on the sofa; and I instantly observed 
that he had brought his cannon with him and 
that its muzzle was pointing towards myself. 
Informing me that his pocket was full of peas, 
suitably dried for the purposes of ammunition, 
he then invited me to become his companion in 
a game of definitely military character. 

This I refused, and I can still recall every 
detail of all that followed. Happily employed 


25 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

combing a grey rabbit, to which I was deeply 
attached, and which I had named, but a day 
or two previously, after the major prophet 
Isaiah, I heard a faint click and the next moment 
was violently struck upon the back of my 
hand. Unable to suppress a cry of pain, I 
involuntarily tightened my grip on Isaiah, who 
suddenly turned his head and made a move¬ 
ment as if about to bite my index finger. Real¬ 
izing as I did, from my knowledge of the 
Dictionary of Home Medicine , the fatal con¬ 
sequences that might possibly have ensued, I 
flung him from me and sprang to the floor, almost 
beside myself with fear and anguish. With an 
expression of reproach that cut me to the very 
heart Isaiah then retreated behind the har¬ 
monium; and at the same moment I heard a 
raucous laugh proceeding from the direction of 
Desmond. 

But for Desmond and his mother I was alone 
in the house, yet I did not hesitate to advance 
towards the kitchen and grind the cannon 
beneath my foot. Twice I stamped upon it 
in what still seems to me a wholly righteous 
indignation, and in a couple of seconds I had 
reduced it to an irreparable wreck. For a 
moment Desmond said nothing. I had taken 
him by surprise. But then he rushed towards 
me with a kind of snort, and fiercely hit me 


26 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


on a face already suffused with tears. I turned 
away from him shaken with sobs. But his 
bestial appetites were still unsated. A second 
and a third time he hit me, on both occasions 
on the neck, and followed this up by an assault 
with his foot upon the lower portion of my back. 
But my cries, now almost amounting to shrieks, 
had by this time attracted Mrs. OTlaherty, and 
at the same instant my father, returning early, 
unlocked the front door. In a flash I was in 
his arms and had sobbed out to him the whole 
pitiful tale. I felt him quiver and then control 
himself, as he gently placed me to one side. 
Then he advanced to Desmond, pointing to the 
crumpled cannon. 

“ Pick that up,” he said, “ and leave this house 
for ever.” 

Desmond replied insolently that he would not 
do so, whereupon my father struck him smartly 
upon the cheek. For a moment Desmond glared 
at him, and then, lowering his head, he rushed 
at my father, beating him with both fists. 
Taken unawares, my father was obliged to sit 
heavily down upon an entirely unpadded hall 
chair, and once again I observed a malignant 
smile upon the face of Mrs. OTlaherty. But it 
was only momentary. For, thrusting the little 
savage away from him, my father hit him twice 
with the handle of his walking-stick. 


27 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

As well aimed as they were richly deserved, 
these blows took instant effect, the first knock¬ 
ing the evil lad sideways, and the second divid¬ 
ing the integument of his forehead. Suffering 
though he was, my father then rose to his feet 
and was once more about to address Desmond, 
when Mrs. OTlaherty, revealed in her true 
character, ferociously caught him by the 
shoulders. As I have already recorded, she was 
a woman of repulsively over-developed physique, 
and she now began to shake my father so vio¬ 
lently that his upper denture fell to the ground. 

“You little whelp ! ” she cried with incredible 
blasphemy, “ you little whelp of a bullying 
puff-ball! ” 

Then to my horror, no less than to his own, 
she lifted him bodily from the ground. For a 
brief moment, or so it seemed to me, I was on 
the verge of a merciful oblivion, but the next 
instant I beheld Mrs. OTlaherty thrusting my 
father’s head into her pail. It was a commodi¬ 
ous pail, very nearly full with incompletely clean 
water, and containing in addition the saturated 
garment with which it was her habit to wash the 
linoleum. Three separate times she immersed 
his head in this, even submerging the backs of 
his ears, and when at last she released him, and 
he had regained his breath, he was more moved 
than I had ever seen him. 


28 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


Always eloquent, his denunciation of her 
conduct, deservedly attuned to the level of her 
understanding, was of a severity that has 
scarcely been equalled even in the writings of 
my rabbit's namesake. Time after time, with a 
holy passion that repeatedly interfered with his 
respiration, he felt it obligatory to adjure his 
Creator to consign such a soul to its just perdi¬ 
tion. And when Mrs. O'Flaherty handed him 
his upper denture he dashed it once more to the 
ground. Finally he commanded her to leave 
the house instantly, frankly informing her that 
he should prosecute her for assault. 

“ Yes, it'll look real nice," she said, “ in the 
local papers, chippin' a child's 'ead open and 
'avin' yer own in a pail." 

The malevolence with which she said this was 
almost inconceivable. But, as my father pointed 
out to me when she had gone, it raised issues of 
the profoundest importance that would demand 
his most serious consideration. For while in 
his own person —in propria persona 1 —it might 
be his duty to bring her before the magistrates, 
it might be no less important, as a sidesman 
of the Established Church, to avoid the contin¬ 
gent publicity. This indeed was the decision 
to which he ultimately came, and as an instance 
of what may be called, perhaps, his sanctified 

1 In his ownjperson. 







































































































































































































































































































































29 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

statesmanship, it has always seemed to me to 
shed a peculiar radiance upon one of the 
sublimest aspects of his character. With regard, 
however, to the lethargy, little less than criminal, 
of the vicar of St. James-the-Lesser-Still, I have 
always been at a loss; and I cannot help sus¬ 
pecting, as indeed my father openly suggested 
to him, that his relations with Mrs. O'Flaherty 
were not at all what they should have been. 
For not only did he deprecate, having heard my 
father's narrative, what he weakly described 
as any precipitate action, but she was actually 
observed by an acquaintance of my father's 
scrubbing the church floor upon the following 
evening. 

Under such circumstances my father had no 
choice but to hasten instantly to the vicarage, 
where he confronted the vicar with the sugges¬ 
tion — an extremely natural one — already 
referred to. But his reply, as my father has 
often assured me, was neither Xtian nor 
even gentlemanly, and my father was obliged 
therefore, with the deepest reluctance, once 
more to transfer his worship. It was a serious 
step, but he had been fortified with the experi¬ 
ence previously forced upon him at St. James- 
the-Less, and in less than five months he had 
become one of the foremost sidesmen at St. 
James-the-Least-of-All, Kennington Oval. 


CHAPTER IV 


Further years of boyhood and additional crosses. Progress 
in study and music. I excel at the game of Nuts in May. 
I am to go to Hopkinson House School. But Providence 
again intervenes. I become a victim of the ring-worm. 
Devastating effect of an ointment. Mr. Balfour Whey 
and his sons. A brutal County Court judge. But my 
father obtains damages. 

Physically shattered as I had been by the 
attack on my person by Desmond OTlaherty, 
the mental and spiritual consequences of this 
assault were far more serious and prolonged. 
Awakened for the first time to the contemporary 
existence of a depravity hitherto unsuspected 
by me, I was unable for several weeks to regain 
my previous composure, or indeed to venture 
unaccompanied beyond the precincts of the 
house. Nor could I bear even to contemplate 
the introduction of a successor to Mrs. 
OTlaherty. 

For that reason, although still in poor health, 
my mother was obliged to resume her former 
duties, while my father was confirmed in his 
decision to postpone my schooldays for another 
three or four years. To this he had already 
30 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


31 


been inclined, partly owing to the representations 
that I myself had been compelled to make to 
him, and partly owing to his desire to assist me 
as far as possible in bearing the crosses with 
which Providence had entrusted me. Far 
beyond the average both in weight and number, 
I can realize now of course what a privilege 
these were. But in the earlier years of my 
boyhood they taxed my faith to its utmost 
powers. 

Many were the times, for instance, when after 
a long morning's study, merely interrupted by 
an occasional cup of cocoa, I turned with avidity 
to a simple but abundant meal of roast pork and 
open jam tart, only to find myself, an hour or 
two later, rolling in agony upon the sofa, or 
even indeed summoned on certain occasions to 
yield it back whence it came. This was perhaps 
the hardest lesson of all. But I am happy to 
say that at last I learned it. And I can well 
remember the pride with which my father, 
hurrying into the parlour with a convenient 
receptacle, first found me consoling myself 
with some appropriate verses from an early 
chapter of the book of Job. 

That incident alone, as my father often used 
to say, was a complete justification of his 
decision to postpone my school life; and I am 
quite confident that, had I been earlier subjected 


32 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


to the propinquity of coarser-fibred boys, I 
should never have survived to render adult 
service to the men and women of my time. 
Nor should I have made, I am sure, such 
intellectual progress as I achieved between my 
sixth and eleventh birthdays. Familiar from 
cover to cover not only with the Holy Bible, but 
also with the Apocrypha, I had attained dexterity 
in simple division, was acquainted with the 
geography of the British Isles, and had read 
the history of England so far as the reign of 
Queen Anne. Passionately devoted to music, I 
had taught myself to play from memory the 
airs of a large number of well-known hymns, 
including several of the more rapid and accentu¬ 
ated of the late Messrs. Moody and Sankey. 
Subject to my father’s guidance, too, I ranged 
in boyish fashion amongst literature of a lighter 
order. With some of the works of Longfellow, 
for instance, I was soon so familiar as to be 
able to repeat them without a mistake, and I can 
still recall the delight with which I read a work 
of fiction in which Martin Luther was one of 
the characters portrayed. 

Happy as I was, however, with some such 
volume as this, a pound or two of chocolates, 
and my rabbit Isaiah, or to settle down for a 
long summer afternoon with the Hymnal Com¬ 
panion to the Book of Common Prayer, I was 


S3 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

not averse from an occasional ramble in the 
company of my father, or even from exercise of a 
more vehement order with younger and suitable 
comrades. The chief of these latter was Emily 
Smith, the granddaughter of Mrs. Emily Smith, 
my mother's aunt, a gentle child, who was 
unfortunately an albino, but of a deeply religious 
and sympathetic nature. 

A year or two older than myself, she lived 
with her grandmother at New Cross, and in 
her company and that of some of her school 
companions, I played several health-giving 
and mirthful games. One of our favourites, I 
remember, was Hide and Go Seek, combining 
both physical and mental exertion; and another, 
of which we were hardly less fond, was known as 
Nuts in May. 

For the purposes of this latter game those 
who proposed to take part would first form 
themselves into two equal groups, the members 
of each moiety then standing side by side, 
facing the same way and holding each other's 
hands. The two groups would then take up 
positions, each opposite each, in joyous anticipa¬ 
tion, and so arranged as to secure a space between 
them sufficient for an alternating advance and 
retreat. By a previous arrangement one of the 
two sides would then approximate itself to the 
other, singing in unison and to an established 


34 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

melody, the following humorously incongruous 
lines. 

Here we go gathering nuts in May, nuts in May, nuts in May, 
Here we go gathering nuts in May 
On a cold and frosty morning. 

That we were not in fact doing so was of course 
obvious. But the innocent laughter that the 
words always provoked in us was quite sufficient, 
in the opinion of myself and my comrades, to 
rob them of any semblance of deliberate 
untruthfulness. 

It would then become the turn of the previously 
silent and stationary players to advance singing 
a second stanza, in which they would merrily 
inquire which of their number was to be chosen 
as symbolic of these nuts in May. To them in 
reply the first group would designate a member 
of the second, whereupon the second group 
would once more advance with the very pertinent 
query 

Whom will you send to fetch her (or him, if it was myself) away, 
fetch her (or him, if it was myself) away, fetch her (or him, if 
it was myself) away, 

Whom will you send to fetch her (or him, if it was myself) away, 
On a cold and frosty morning ? 

The members of the first group would then 
select one of their comrades to be the emissary 
of conveyance, and to the same melody and with 
a similar gesture, would announce their choice 
to the second group. A pocket-handkerchief. 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


35 


folded upon itself diagonally, would then be 
stretched upon the grass, parallel to and midway 
between the merry and expectant companies 
of players. The symbolized nut and its would-be 
gatherer would then face each other across the 
extended handkerchief, grasp hands, and each 
earnestly endeavour to draw the other across 
the separating fabric. To whomsoever was 
successful the other would then be accorded as 
a member henceforward of the victor’s group, 
and the game would proceed as before with 
ever-increasing mirth. 

Ultimately it might happen, and indeed it 
often did, that one of the sides would finally 
absorb the other, and the absorbing side 
usually including myself, my services were 
naturally in the keenest demand. I soon 
found in fact that, in spite of my ill-health, I 
was singularly adapted to this form of recreation. 
Inheriting, as I did, to a very great extent, my 
father’s powerful and sonorous voice, I was able 
to throw myself with dominating effect into the 
preliminary vocal exchanges, while my physique 
stood me in admirable stead in the later stages 
of the game. For though I was short, with 
singularly slender arms, my abdomen was large 
and well covered, while my feet, with their 
exceptional length and breadth and almost 
imperceptible arches, enabled me to obtain a 


36 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

tenacious hold of the ground upon which they 
were set. 

So proficient in fact did I become that when I 
went to school I was bitterly disappointed to 
find that this, my favourite game of play, was 
not even included in the curriculum. In later 
years I have heard this game criticized both on 
moral and physical grounds, and even my friend 
and vicar, the Reverend Simeon Whey, has had 
grave doubts as to its permissibility. On many 
occasions indeed we have sat far into the night 
arguing about its effect on the Xtian character. 
But I am happy to say that he has now gone so 
far as to approve of it for others. Indeed, as 
I have more than once facetiously suggested to 
him, his real objections to the game have been 
personal, founded on a lack of success in its 
practice that may well have prejudiced his 
outlook. For though he is no mean exponent 
of the game of Draughts, as well as that of Word 
Making and Word Taking, at Nuts in May he 
has seldom if ever avoided being drawn across 
the handkerchief. As the result of my protests, 
however, he has continued to permit the game 
to be one of the brightest features of our annual 
Sunday School gatherings; and most of our 
schoolmistresses, I think, would be compelled to 
testify that I have retained all my old-time 
skill. 


87 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

In such fashion, then, I emerged into my 
twelfth year; and, albeit with considerable 
misgivings, my father arranged at last for my 
entry into a high-class school in the neighbour¬ 
hood. Known as Hopkinson House School for 
the Sons of Gentlemen, it was conveniently 
situated in Jasmine Grove on the southern 
outskirts of Camberwell, and included features 
in its dignified exterior of almost every type 
of architecture. Approached by a semi-circular 
gravel drive with gates of entry and exit, it 
was flanked on both sides, and isolated in the 
rear, by an asphalt recreation-ground. Above 
the front steps, two chocolate-coloured pillars 
supported a classical portico, and the windows 
of the first-floor rooms were surmounted with 
characteristic Gothic mouldings. The windows 
of the first, second and third storeys were of a 
simpler Georgian pattern, but the roof was 
uplifted, at its anterior corners, into castellated 
Norman turrets. Midway between these, an 
Elizabethan gable formed a pleasing contrast, 
and the two chimney-stacks, each bearing a 
lightning-conductor, were decorated with Moorish 
relief work. 

Conducted by a Mr. Septimus Lorton, the 
successor to Mr. Hopkinson, the founder of the 
school, it was daily attended by some seventy 
or eighty of the sons of the Peckham and 


38 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


Camberwell gentry. Concerning Mr. Lorton 
I shall have more to say presently, but just about 
a week before what was to have been my first 
term, a tender but inscrutable Providence once 
again intervened. The agent of this new afflic¬ 
tion was a parasite commonly known, I under¬ 
stand, as the ring-worm, and within a brief 
period it had established upon my head no less 
than four separate colonies. That being the 
case, not only was my school-life yet a second 
time postponed, but I was obliged to render up, 
under medical orders, and that the extent of 
the malady might be the more easily discernible, 
the greater proportion of my abundant and not 
unattractive chestnut hair. To the first of these 
consequences I was reconciled with no great 
difficulty, but to the second, I must confess, 
resignation was not so easy; and for night after 
night my pillow was moistened with tears 
scarcely restrained during the day. But worse 
was to follow. For upon the appearance of a 
fifth and even more intractable settlement, the 
doctor in charge of the case took the opportunity 
of prescribing a wholly unjustifiable ointment. 
That it slew the parasites was undoubtedly true. 
But such were the ravages of this violent medica¬ 
ment that, to an accompaniment of the acutest 
distress, the whole of my hair disappeared. 

Even in this, however, probably up till then 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


39 


the darkest hour of my existence, Providence 
had set a rainbow across my despair from which 
I have never since failed to glean comfort. 
Roused to the very depths of his indignant 
paternity, my father immediately began to take 
steps against the doctor, while both Mrs. Emily 
Smith, the grandmother of my little comrade, 
and the aunt that had stood with my mother's 
mother at the bottom of the stairs, provided 
me with velveteen skull-caps, skilfully em¬ 
broidered with forget-me-nots. 

Perhaps the most fruitful, however, of the 
issues of this affliction, apart from the damages 
that my father ultimately secured, was the life¬ 
long friendship that it produced between our¬ 
selves and the Whey family. A junior sidesman 
to my father at St. James-the-Least-of-All, Mr. 
Balfour Whey was not only a rising solicitor, 
but the father of two boys, Simeon and Silas. 
To the elder of these, Simeon, I have already 
referred as the vicar of the parish in which I at 
present reside. But Silas, since dead under 
distressing circumstances, to which I shall refer 
in due course, was but half an hour younger, 
and they were usually regarded as being twins. 

Xtian lads of about my own age, and each 
with an impediment in his speech, both were 
destined on this account for eventual ordination 
in the Church of England. What knitted us 


40 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


together, however, at this painful juncture was 
the curious fact that, in addition to others, 
both of them were suffering like myself from an 
invasion of the ring-worm. Adequately treated, 
however, they had retained their hair, and, as 
their father immediately perceived, might for 
this reason prove invaluable witnesses in the 
prosecution upon which we had determined. 

In this Mr. Balfour Whey had already con¬ 
sented to act as my father's legal adviser, on the 
understanding that, if the case should fail, my 
father should be exempt from the payment of 
charges, while, if it should succeed, the 
damages should be shared between them on 
agreed and equitable terms. An extremely 
forcible Hibernian barrister was then engaged 
on a similar basis, and never shall I forget the 
noble determination of these two earnest and 
devoted men. Fortified with the assistance, 
somewhat expensive, but under the circumstances 
deemed necessary, of an extremely adaptable, 
intelligent, and experienced medical expert, 
they proved far too powerful both for the 
doctor, a young man unrepresented by counsel, 
and even for the County Court judge, a sinister- 
looking person evidently addicted to alcohol. 
Nevertheless it was no easy fight and the bias 
of the judge was obvious from the outset. Time 
after time when my father rose from his seat 























































































































































































41 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

in the well of the court to make ejaculations, he 
commanded him to be silent in a tone of voice 
that no gentleman should have used to another. 
And once when my mother's aunt, Mrs. Emily 
Smith, and the aunt that had stood with my 
mother's mother at the foot of the stairs, rose 
simultaneously and cried, “ Oh, you story," 
after an unveracious comment by the doctor, 
he actually threatened to have them ejected by 
one of his underlings in the court. 

Nor was he more polite to my mother's eight 
sisters, industrious young women who had 
brought their knitting, even going so far as to 
say that, if they continued to rattle their needles, 
he should have them similarly transported. 
To this my father very naturally objected in 
one of his most dignified and impassioned 
speeches, again cut short, though not without 
the utmost difficulty, by this self-assertive and 
presumptuous man. Even to Simeon and Silas 
Whey, each of whom had covered the Bible with 
kisses, he behaved in such a fashion as entirely 
to rob them of their natural joy in being in the 
witness-box. For though it was true, and only 
to be expected, that their vocal disabilities were 
increased by their excitement, he not only 
professed to consider them irrelevant but 
brutally informed them that they were unintelli¬ 
gible. For a moment we were stunned. But 


42 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


then, as one woman, my mother's eight sisters 
rose to their feet, as did Mrs. Balfour Whey, 
Mrs. Emily Smith, and the aunt that had stood 
with my mother's mother at the foot of the 
stairs. Led by my father they shouted “ Shame " 
in tones that shook the very roof, while the 
Hibernian barrister, with a gesture that I have 
never seen equalled, swept his papers from the 
desk before him, and sank speechless into his 
seat. 

It was such a scene as no one in the court 
had probably ever before witnessed, and even 
the judge seemed slightly taken aback by the 
volume of resentment that he had aroused. It 
was at any rate with a distinct tremor and in 
markedly altered tones that he ordered the 
proceedings to be resumed. And when I myself, 
as the prosecution's last witness, proceeded to 
take the oath in my velveteen skull-cap, his 
change of colour was so manifest as to become 
the subject of general comment. 

Keeping my face firmly towards him, upon 
the advice of my counsel, I stood unshaken, 
albeit not unmoved, during the latter’s prelimin¬ 
ary remarks. Here was a lad, he said, in the 
soft and vibrant tones of the convinced and 
accomplished pleader, the only lad, nay, the 
only child, the solitary hope of his devoted 
parents. Too delicate hitherto to have been 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


43 


sent to the school—the scholastic establishment 
for which his abilities had long since qualified 
him, he had been happily expecting, with all 
the ardour that His Honour would observe 
imprinted on his countenance, to have entered 
this academy of learning some seven weeks 
before. But what had happened ? His Honour 
had heard. It was the subject matter of this 
action. Not only had his career, since time was 
money, been already seriously crippled, but he 
had been subjected to a personal mutilation, 
the moral effect of which it was impossible to 
appraise. One moment a happy—nay, he might 
almost say without unduly straining the truth— 
one moment a happy, but not only a happy, a 
positively handsome young gentleman, he had 
been reduced in the next, either by wilful 
design, by malevolent neglect, or by an infamous 
want of knowledge, to the spectacle that he 
would be obliged—how reluctantly His Honour 
could imagine—to submit to His Honour's 
inspection. 

Here a low ripple of sympathy and horror 
broke involuntarily from most of those present; 
and it was perhaps significant, as Mr. Whey 
remarked to my father, that the judge took no 
steps to suppress it. Then, after a brief question 
or two, since, as my counsel said, mine was an 
ordeal that he dared not long prolong, he asked 


44 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


me to remove my velveteen skull-cap and let 
His Honour see what was underneath. It was 
an effort. But I achieved it, and the effect 
on the judge was instantaneous. In spite of 
his pallor, he had still, up to that point, retained 
some evidences of his gross habit of life. But 
now the last vestige of his colour had left him, 
and he seemed visibly to have lost weight. 
Contracted to pin-points, his pupils were fixed 
upon my scalp in a haggard yet fascinating 
stare; and great beads of perspiration began 
to glisten upon his forehead. Then, with a 
sharp expiration like that of a punctured bicycle 
tyre, he covered his eyes for a moment with his 
hand, and I knew instinctively, as I replaced my 
skull-cap, that the case was won. 

There were further arguments, of course, 
and technical exchanges, but to everyone in 
court they must have seemed of little moment; 
and I was soon being embraced by father, my 
aunts and great-aunts, in the happy conscious¬ 
ness that right had triumphed. Nor was that 
all. For thanks to the damages awarded, my 
father and myself were enabled to spend a 
month at Scarborough, while a generous fee 
was paid by a well-known firm of hair-restorers 
for a copy of a photograph of my head that 
my father had thoughtfully taken. Two years 
later they paid a similar sum for a photograph 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


45 


of the same area normally covered, both being 
subsequently reproduced, under another name 
of course, and with the interval diminished for 
commercial purposes, as illustrative of the effects 
of what has since become, I believe, a very 
profitable commodity. 


CHAPTER V 


First experience at Hopkinson House School. It is amongst 
the masters that I hope to find spiritual companionship. 
I do not do so. Apology of Mr. Muglington. I am struck 
by a football. Subsequent apology of Mr. Beerthorpe. 
Degraded habits of my fellow-scholars. A fearful 
discovery and its sequel. Amazing ineptitude of Mr. 
Lorton. Concerted assault upon my person. I am 
rescued by my father, who procures a public apology. 

Owing to the successive delays imposed by my 
general ill-health, the assault upon my person 
by Desmond O’Flaherty, the sudden invasion 
of the ring-worm, and the cranial nudity wrought 
by the ointment, it was not until I was nearly 
fourteen that I was at last able to attend school; 
and even then it was perhaps doubtful whether 
my father should have recommended it. For, 
although by that time my health was somewhat 
less precarious, the chastening experiences that 
I had been called upon to endure had naturally 
lifted me, in almost every respect, far above 
the plane of most of my contemporaries. And 
while it was true, of course, that in Simeon and 
Silas Whey I should find sympathetic and well- 
liked comrades, I was so much older, both 

46 


47 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

mentally and spiritually, than such of their 
acquaintances as I had chanced to meet that it 
was only amongst the masters that there seemed 
any reasonable hope of obtaining an equal and 
appropriate companionship. 

It was to this end, therefore, while endeavour¬ 
ing at the same time to place my services at the 
disposal of my fellow-scholars, that I resolved 
from the outset to encourage my tutors to per¬ 
ceive in me a staunch and valuable associate. 
For the first few days this was not of course 
easy, owing to the natural confusion incident 
upon a new term, and it was only by the inter¬ 
jection of an occasional informative remark that 
I was enabled to adumbrate my ultimate purpose. 

Thus when our form-master, a Mr. Muglington, 
asked me if I knew the capital of Belgium, I 
replied that while I had not as yet enjoyed the 
opportunity of paying the town a personal visit, 
I had been credibly informed that it was known 
as Brussels, so indissolubly associated with the 
well-known brassica . 1 Though he was a repel¬ 
lent-looking man with a ginger moustache, I 
had nevertheless accompanied the words with a 
friendly smile. But he merely stared at me in 
what I was compelled to recognise as a singularly 
crude and offensive fashion. 

1 The botanical family that includes the sprout. I am now 
convinced that Mr. Muglington did not know this. 


48 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Let me see/' he said, “ I think your name is 
Carp.” 

“ Augustus Carp,” I replied, “ of Angela 
Gardens.” 

“ Then kindly remember,” he said, “ to confine 
yourself in future to the information asked for 
and nothing else.” 

It was of course the speech of a peculiarly 
narrow-minded and vindictive man, fortuitously 
thrust into a position of authority that had 
evidently nourished his worst propensities. But 
I had not as yet realized how deplorably typical 
he was of the class to which he belonged, and it 
was a considerable time before I could restrain 
the sobs that his infamous words had provoked. 
Nor did he fail to take a further and dastardly 
advantage of my emotion. 

“ Perhaps,” he observed, with a malignant 
sneer, “ when you've quite finished chewing the 
cud, you'd be so kind as to oblige us by enumera¬ 
ting the principal exports of Finland.” 

Afterwards, I am glad to say, thanks to the 
instant and imperative demand of my father, 
he was obliged to apologise to me both in my 
father's presence and in that of the head 
master, Mr. Septimus Lorton. But it was not 
an apology, as I discerned at once, founded on any 
real and heart-felt contrition, and although I 
assured him that, so far as I was concerned, 


49 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

he might consider the incident closed, it was 
perfectly apparent to me that I could never in 
the future admit him to the privileges of 
friendship. 

Nor was I destined to receive a more satisfying 
response from the next advance that it seemed 
my duty to make. Excused on moral grounds 
from the study of French by a special stipulation 
of my father, I was permitted instead to take 
extra lessons in German from a Mr. Beerthorpe. 
A stoutly-built man with extremely short sight, 
corrected by lenses of exceptional thickness, I 
was at first attracted to this person by an 
expression of what I soon discovered was a 
spurious amiability. I was also distressed to 
find him almost universally alluded to by the 
first syllable of his name only, to which the 
letter y, not originally present in it, had been 
appended by way of suffix. 

Whether or not he was aware of this I did not 
of course know, but both as an act of kindness 
and in justice to myself, I felt it incumbent on 
me to seek the earliest chance of dissociating 
myself from such a practice. I accordingly 
took the opportunity one day, when he was 
acting as arbitrator in a game of football in the 
playground, of approaching him and touching 
him on the elbow and suggesting that I should 
like to have a few words with him. 

E 


50 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Eh, what ? " he said. “ Foul," and he then 
blew a blast, I remember, on a small whistle. 
Taken unawares, I could not refrain from 
shuddering a little, and instinctively put my 
hands to my ears. 

“ Well, what is it ? " he asked. “ What's 
the matter? " 

“ Perhaps we might withdraw," I replied, “ to 
some quieter place." 

“ But what's the trouble? " he said. “ Look 
out," and he abruptly leapt back to avoid the 
oncoming football. Not so fortunate, and left 
entirely unprotected by Mr. Beerthorpe's sudden 
retreat, I received the full impact of the hurtling 
projectile upon the upper part of my neck and 
my left ear, and for some moments I was entirely 
unable to proceed with the conversation. Indeed 
had the missile been of the egg-shaped variety 
frequently employed, I understand, in the same 
barbarous pursuit, the blow might well have 
had the most serious, if not fatal, consequences. 
Nor could I help feeling a trifle disheartened to 
perceive, when I had regained my powers of 
speech, that Mr. Beerthrope was still callously 
blowing his whistle in a remote corner of the 
playground. Under such circumstances many 
another lad would have been deflected from his 
purpose. But in spite of what followed, I have 
always been glad to remember that I did not 


51 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

allow myself to be deterred. Approaching him 
a second time, I again touched his elbow. 

“ Good God,” he said, “ are you still there ? ” 

Naturally flinching a little at the expletive, 
I reminded him that I had still something to 
communicate. 

“ Oh, all right,” he said. “ Come along then.” 

He handed his instrument to a neighbouring 
boy. 

“ Well, what is it ? ” he asked. 

We entered an empty schoolroom. 

“ Perhaps I may first,” I said, “ ask you to 
accept this.” 

It was a box of chocolates weighing half a 
pound and tastefully adorned with a lemon- 
coloured ribbon. 

“It is merely a token,” I proceeded, “ albeit 
I hope an acceptable one, of a desire to inaugurate 
friendly relations.” 

For a moment he stared at it with his mouth 
open and then made a rasping noise in the back 
of his throat. 

“ But look here,” he said, “ you don't mean to 
tell me that you've interrupted a game of football 
just to bring me in here and give me half a 
pound of chocolates? ” 

“Not wholly,” I said, “ nor even principally, 
though I am naturally a little wounded by your 
tone of voice. But I also desired to inform you 


52 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


that you were the subject of a prevalent indignity 
from which personally I have strongly dissented/' 

“ Good God ! " he said. “ What on earth do you 
mean? " 

After flinching a second time, I lowered my 
voice a little. 

“ I thought you ought to know," I said, 
“ that you are very generally referred to—I 
trust without foundation—as Beery." 

For perhaps twelve, or it might have been 
thirteen, seconds, the silence was only broken 
by the cries of the footballers. But I observed 
that his cheeks were suffused with blood and his 
myopic eyes beginning to bulge. It was a 
repulsive sight, and then, like Mr. Muglington, 
he stood revealed in his true character. No less 
intoxicated than the former with the petty 
authority conferred by his position, his general 
conduct, as well as his verbiage, was even 
coarser and more debased. 

“ Look here," he said, “ young What's-your- 
name, I don't know your name, and I don't 
want to. But if I have any more of your 
insolence I shall report you to the headmaster. 
And now you can clear out and take your 
chocolates with you." 

Stung to the quick, and with the tears running 
down my cheeks, I nevertheless held up my 
hand. 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 53 

“ One moment,” I said. “ You have misappre¬ 
hended me, and it was perhaps foolish of me to 
have supposed that it could have been otherwise. 
But I must clearly point out to you, both for 
my own sake and that of the school to which we 
both belong, that it will be rather I who shall 
be obliged to report you for the language that I 
have listened to this day.” 

Florid to an extreme that I have seldom 
seen equalled, he opened his mouth once or 
twice in silence. Then he wiped his forehead 
with the back of his hand. 

“ I had rather flattered myself,” he said, “ on 
my temperance.” 

“ On the contrary,” I said, “ I am obliged to 
remind you that you have twice openly invoked 
the Deity.” 

“ Good God ! ” he gasped. 

I opened the door for him. 

“ That makes the third time,” I said. “ You 
will hear more of this.” 

I had preserved my self-control, but it was 
only with an effort that left me pitiably weak 
and wretched and induced a gastritis that robbed 
me of several minutes’ sleep as well as of most 
of my evening meal. Thanks, however, to a 
second and even more trenchant interview 
between my father and Mr. Lorton, during 
which it transpired that Mr. Beerthorpe was the 


54 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


father of five unfortunate children, he too was 
obliged to apologise to me and give me an 
undertaking to restrain his blasphemy. But, as 
my father agreed, it was an apology obviously 
given with the utmost reluctance and affording 
no hope of the happier communion to which I 
had at one time looked forward. 

Meanwhile I had not neglected my fellow- 
students, unattractive to me as most of them 
were, and more than once had I offered 
my spiritual services to an inexperienced or 
erring class-mate. That these had been fruitless 
I am not prepared to say. But it was perhaps 
not surprising, considering the standard of the 
masters, that the general moral status of their 
pupils should have left almost everything to be 
desired. Such a rule, for example, as that 
forbidding the ingestion of sweetmeats during 
the hours set apart for study was daily infringed, 
not only by the younger boys, but by many far 
older than myself. Exhibitions, too, of personal 
violence were only too common in the playground, 
and I had even heard boys, presumably the sons 
of gentlemen, making use of the word damn . 1 

It was not until nearly half-term, however, 
under the eyes of Mr. Lorton, and in the most 
sacred hour of the scholastic week, that I 

1 I repeat this with regret. But truth is often best served, 
I have found, by being completely outspoken. 


55 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

suddenly became conscious of the existence of 
an evil that for a moment completely paralysed 
me. Himself an organiser rather than a scholar, 
a proprietor rather than a professor, Mr. Lorton 
confined himself, in respect of actual teaching, 
to the exposition of the Holy Scriptures. For 
this purpose he visited each class once a week 
in rotation, the text-book employed being the 
Lorton Bible for Schools, published by his 
brother, Mr. Chrysostom Lorton. We had been 
studying, I remember, the Second Book of Kings, 
and considering the evil reign of Pekahiah, when 
Mr. Lorton suddenly asked the head boy of the 
form if he could tell him the name of his 
successor. 

This was of course Pekah, the son of Remaliah, 
with whom I had been familiar for several years. 
But unfortunately my position in the centre of 
the class forbade my giving an immediate answer. 
Nevertheless I perceived, as boy after boy 
mutely revealed the depths of his ignorance, 
that I had probably been destined by the grace 
of Providence to become the means of their 
enlightenment. What was my horror, then, on 
this beautiful autumn day, with the November 
sunlight slanting through the window, to ob¬ 
serve Harold Harper, the boy on my left, and 
Henry Hancock, the boy on my right, each 
studying the Second Book of Kings under the 


56 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


shelter conferred by his desk. Objectionable 
lads as I knew them both to be, I had never 
dreamed them to have been capable of this, and 
when Henry Hancock rose in his place and 
without a tremor said, “Pekah, son of Remaliah/ , 
it was as though each syllable had been a knife 
deeply plunged into my very vitals. Pale with 
wrath I rose to my feet. 

“ Sir,” I cried, “ Henry Hancock was deceiving 
you. He read his answer from the open 
Scripture.” 

There was a deathly pause. 

“ And not only that,” I said, “ but Harold 
Harper was prepared to do the same.” 

Mr. Lorton removed his eye-glasses. 

“ Hancock and Harper,” he said, “ stand up.” 

They did so, but with marked reluctance. 

“ Hancock and Harper,” he said, “ is this 
true ? ” 

They were silent. But their faces betrayed 
them, as did Harper's Bible, that slipped to the 
floor. 

“ Hancock and Harper,” said Mr. Lorton, “ I 
am ashamed of you. You must each write me 
out fifty lines.” 

“ But, sir,” I cried, “ in justice to myself, who 
knew the correct answer without committing 
sacrilege, nay, in justice to my fellow-scholars, 
to say nothing of Holy Writ, surely these lads 


57 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ, 

must be subjected to some less trivial and 
severer penalty/' 

Mr. Lorton readjusted his glasses. Then he 
removed them again and began to wipe them. 

“ Hanper and Harcock," he said, “ I mean 
Harcock and Hanper, as Carp has reminded you, 
you have sinned very grievously. But I hope— 
er—this publicity, this publicity, I say, will not 
be lacking in its due effect upon you." 

“ But, sir," I cried, “ these are mere words." 

“ They are very serious ones," he said, “ very 
serious ones. Also, as I said, you will each write 
me fifty lines. And now perhaps Smith Major 
can tell us who Argob was." 

Petrified by the levity with which the very 
owner of the school was able to endure so 
shattering an exposure, I remained standing for 
several seconds, wholly unable to utter a syllable. 
And when I sank at last, stunned and unsup¬ 
ported, into the seat from which I had so lately 
risen, it was as though my boyhood (and indeed 
this was actually the case) had been finally 
snatched from me for ever. Nor was this the 
end. For, when we emerged into the playground, 
I found myself surrounded by an opprobrious 
mob, evidently suborned by Harper and Hancock 
for the purposes of physical assault and battery. 
Thrust from one to the other, my collar was 
disarranged, I was several times smitten upon 


58 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


the face, and it was only by the exercise of my 
utmost lung-power that I succeeded in attracting 
adult attention. Indeed I am almost certain 
that I observed Mr. Muglington and Mr. Beer- 
thorpe lurking supine behind a curtain, and it 
was by no less a person than my own father that 
I was ultimately removed from danger. 

Collecting an account a couple of streets 
away, he had instantly recognised my screams, 
and, abandoning everything, had rushed to my 
aid just as Mr. Lorton hurried into the play¬ 
ground. But my father was first, and never shall 
I forget the stentorian thunder of his tones. 
Seizing in each hand one of my lesser perse¬ 
cutors, he shook them like thistles before the 
wind, while time after time, breaking into his 
highest falsetto, he overtopped even my most 
piercing note. Colourless and stricken, a little 
group of masters stood huddled against the wall 
of the house, while an ever-growing stream of 
neighbours and local tradesmen began to throng 
every inch of the asphalt. Then, with a final 
and supreme imprecation, he flung the two 
ruffians into the midst of their fellows, and clasp¬ 
ing me to his bosom, clove his way through the 
now vociferously applauding multitude. It was 
perhaps the greatest moment of his career, but 
like myself he had to pay the penalty for it, and 
for the following two weeks we were confined 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


59 


in adjacent bedrooms, while my mother had 
to wait upon us night and day. Afterwards, 
shaken as he was, he had a third interview with 
Mr. Lorton, insisting upon and obtaining a 
public apology as the only alternative to legal 
proceedings. 


CHAPTER VI 


Reasons for remaining at Hopkinson House School. I pass 
from boyhood to early young manhood. Expeditions 
both urban and rural in the company of my dear father. 
An excellent and little-known diversion. Youthful 
adventures by sea and land. But what is to be my 
career on leaving school? Various alternatives prayer¬ 
fully considered. A vision is vouchsafed to us by 
Providence. A commercial Xtian. My first razor. 

I have frequently been asked, and I have but 
little doubt that hosts of my readers will put 
the same query to me, why I did not, after such 
an experience, transfer my attendance to another 
school. And I ought to say at once, perhaps, 
that both my father and myself were strongly 
disposed to this course. Having regard to the 
facts, however, that Hopkinson House School 
was the only one in the neighbourhood for sons 
of gentlemen; that my moral position had now 
been defined there beyond any possibility of 
doubt; that the apologies elicited would pro¬ 
bably secure me in the future from any further 
corporal interference; and that both Simeon 
and Silas Whey had expressed their horror at 
my treatment—in view of these facts, we came 
to the conclusion that, for the present at any 

60 


61 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

rate, I had better remain there. That it could 
never be the same to me was of course the case. 
But then my hopes had not been extravagant. 
And although, as I have indicated, my boyhood 
had been ruthlessly plucked from me like a 
geranium in full bud, my early young manhood 
found me securer than ever in the approval 
of a wise and discerning Providence. Apart 
from an occasional boil, too, and a somewhat 
intractable and disfiguring affection known as 
acne, my health was giving rise to less anxiety 
than for some time past, and I have always 
looked back on the next two years as amongst 
the happiest of my life. 

Necessarily thrown, as the result of what had 
happened, very largely upon my own resources, 
I was agreeably surprised to find that these were 
even richer and more varied than I had sup¬ 
posed ; and I frequently walked, on a Saturday 
afternoon, as far as Dulwich or Blackheath, 
thoroughly contented with the company of 
none other than myself. What was my joy, 
too, to discover, a couple of weeks after my 
fifteenth birthday, that my voice had broken 
into a full-toned bass that promised to be even 
more powerful than my father's; and many a 
long hour did we spend at the harmonium 
together in friendly competition over our 
favourite hymns. Though he was rather more 


62 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

accurate than myself in the matter of tune, in 
the matter of time there was little to choose 
between us, while in the actual volume of sound 
produced I was soon my father's equal, if not 
his superior. 

Nor was singing our only mutual occupation, 
for once a month, thanks to my father's 
generosity, we would journey to such a place of 
instructional interest as the Tower of London 
or Sir John Spane's Museum. We even visited, 
I remember, the National Gallery of Art, 
with its remarkable collection of hand-painted 
pictures; and I can still recall the delicacy with 
which my father would intervene to shelter me 
from any that contained an undraped female 
figure. 

Perhaps our happiest times, however, were 
those spent with Nature during my father’s 
annual fortnight's holiday, when we would 
usually procure lodgings at some such salubrious 
resort as Clacton-on-Sea or Cliftonville near 
Margate. Here we would abandon ourselves 
to the contemplation of the waves, and here, 
under my father's skilful tuition, I became 
quite an adept at an entrancing pursuit less 
well known, I think, than it should be. 

Consisting in the first place of the selection of 
a flat-shaped stone—itself often a gleeful and 
difficult task—it then becomes the object of the 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


63 


participators in the game to propel this sea¬ 
wards across the surface of the ocean. Being 
heavier than water, it would naturally be sup¬ 
posed that at the first impact with the latter 
the stone would sink; and indeed, if projected by 
an unskilled player, this is what usually even¬ 
tuates. As I was happy to demonstrate, how¬ 
ever, to our Sunday School mistresses only last 
year at Southend, in the hands of a careful and 
experienced performer this is by no means 
necessarily the case. Supporting the stone, 
with its flatter surface downwards, on the flexed 
middle finger of the thrower's hand, his (or her) 
forefinger should lie along its circumference, the 
thumb gently resting on its superior surface. It 
should then be so cast as to travel horizontally, 
its flat surface parallel to the surface of the water, 
with the surprising result that, when at last it 
drops, it bounces into the air again and pro¬ 
ceeds onwards. Nay, it may even, in the hands 
of the most expert, repeat this process two or 
three times, to the intense and delighted 
fascination of those who have been privileged 
to witness him. 

Not lacking in the element of competition, 
yet devoid of all possibility of personal danger, 
affording healthful exercise, but at the same time 
immune from the perils of over-exertion, it has 
always seemed strange to me that, up to the 


64 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


present, it has played so small a part in our 
national life. An island community, here if 
anywhere is a diversion that should surely 
appeal to us; and I for one should rejoice 
to see the day when, instead of the football 
ground and the tennis pitch, our coasts should 
be thronged with eager young men and 
women enjoying this hygienic and innocent 
pastime. 

Nor did we confine ourselves, while at the 
sea-side, merely to terrestrial amusement, and 
we would frequently indulge, for perhaps a 
quarter of an hour, in the enjoyable practice 
of pedal immersion. Wholly precluded, of 
course, for constitutional reasons, from the 
fuller development of this art involved in swim¬ 
ming, we nevertheless found this to be a most 
laughable and even exciting occupation; and I 
can recall at least two occasions when, owing 
to a momentary inadversion, our rolled-up 
trousers became partially submerged. A smart 
run home, however, a cup of hot milk, and 
immediate retirement to bed sufficed, in both 
instances, to protect us from any untoward 
results. 

With my two friends, also, Simeon and Silas 
Whey, I had many hours of fruitful companion¬ 
ship. Equally segregated with myself from 
the majority of their schoolfellows, though less 


65 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

upon moral and intellectual than purely physical 
grounds, they were yet earnest and high-minded 
lads with many notably endearing qualities. 
Reticent to an extreme, partly, in the case of 
Silas, owing to an initial difficulty in articulating 
anything at all, and in the case of Simeon, owing 
to a kind of laryngeal click from which he is still 
unfortunately a sufferer, they appeared to find 
a comfort in my own natural eloquence that I 
was only too glad to bestow upon them. In 
return for this, their ample pocket-money was 
always entirely at my disposal, and many a 
pound of toffee and Turkish delight was I able 
to enjoy at their expense. Like myself un¬ 
addicted to athletics, and thereby preserved 
from its associated vices, they would saunter 
for hours with me discussing some favourite 
Bible character or humming in unison some 
well-known hymn; and we were further united, 
if that were possible, in our eventual confirmation 
by the self-same Bishop. 

Nevertheless, as I have said, it was chiefly 
upon myself that I had to depend for company; 
and in my walks abroad, my studies of the 
shop-windows, and my exploration of the neigh¬ 
bouring churches, my closest comrade was my¬ 
self, and I can honestly say that I have never 
regretted it. Nor must it be supposed that the 
hours so spent were entirely devoid of legitimate 

F 


66 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

adventure. On two or three occasions, for 
instance, I was abruptly addressed by some 
surprised or suspicious verger, and once, owing 
to ignorance of its usual closing hours, I was 
incarcerated in a local cemetery. Confined by 
railings too lofty to scale and too narrowly 
approximated to permit egress, for a few 
moments the prospects were sufficiently black 
to cause a sensible quickening of my pulse. 
A felicitous remark, however, addressed to 
an under-gardener, secured my exit by a 
private gate, and I hurried home, not without 
relief, but none the worse for my little mis¬ 
chance. 

Nor shall I forget the thrill, perhaps a trifle 
guilty, with which I discovered, soon after I was 
sixteen, how to descend from a vehicle in motion 
without the sacrifice of an erect position. 
Hitherto, like my father, when travelling by 
tram or omnibus, I had always insisted upon 
complete immobility prior both to entrance 
into and departure from one of these public 
conveyances; and many a conductor had 
been reported by us both for failing to 
secure the requisite lack of motion. Upon my 
sixteenth birthday, however, perceiving that 
the omnibus in which I was journeying could 
not be brought to a standstill at the desired 
position, I decided to alight from it notwith- 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 67 

standing, and boldly descended from its posterior 
step. 

Naturally leaving this at right angles, what 
was my rather rueful amazement to discover 
myself, in the next instant, lying upon my side 
in the roadway. At first I imagined that I must 
have stepped upon something slippery or that 
some such article must have been adhering to 
my footwear. But a minute examination both 
of these and the roadway failed to reveal any 
such cause. Completely baffled, I made a second 
attempt, but with an equally discomforting 
result, and time after time, in spite of my 
utmost efforts, I was the victim of a similar loss 
of equilibrium. Many a less determined and 
timider lad would indeed have given up the 
venture, and again I ought to confess, perhaps, 
in view of municipal regulations, that my 
pertinacity was not wholly defensible. 

Robbed of candour, however, such a record 
as the present would lose the greater part of 
its spiritual value; and while I am prepared 
to admit that, in this particular instance, my 
youthful conduct may have been open to mis- 
judgment, I cannot concede that it was in any 
degree incompatible with the highest expression 
of the Xtian character. Refusing to be cast 
down, therefore, save in the most literal sense, I 
continued dauntlessly with my efforts, to be 


68 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

rewarded at last with a final success no less 
gratifying than entire. Failing to remain up¬ 
right in departing from the moving vehicle either 
at right angles to it or with my back towards 
the driver, I found that by facing in the same 
direction I could not only descend from it with 
greater immunity, but that by running after it, 
as it were, for two or three steps, I could do 
so with complete integrity. Needless to say, 
having acquired this knowledge, I only made use 
of it in an occasional emergency, and for some 
years now, owing to declining success, I have 
discontinued the practice altogether. 

With the unfolding of my seventeenth year, 
however, I was definitely approaching the great 
problems of adult life, and much of my time 
now began to be occupied with the contemplation 
of my future career. Thanks to the tempered 
foresight of my father, a firm believer as a rule 
in unlimited families, in the exceptional circum¬ 
stances of his own case he had refrained from 
further parentage. On his demise, therefore, as 
he had given me to understand, I should inherit 
some two thousand pounds, this being the 
amount to which his insurance and savings 
would by then probably have accrued. Should 
my mother survive him, I should of course be 
expected, and would gladly, as I assured him, 
make her some allowance. But her health was 


69 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

so precarious as to render this sacrifice a very 
improbable necessity. 

Devoid of anxiety, therefore, as to ultimate 
no less than immediate penury, I could afford to 
regard the future with an adequate deliberation, 
and I need scarcely say, perhaps, that the 
Church of England was the subject of my first 
and most prolonged consideration. Financially 
inadequate as were even its highest rewards, I 
was yet so adapted to its every need that both 
my father and myself would have been willing 
to overlook this very serious disadvantage. But 
to become ordained presupposed an examination, 
and I had been seriously handicapped in this 
particular respect by a proven disability, pro¬ 
bably hereditary in origin, to demonstrate my 
culture in so confined a form. 

For a similar reason, even had I been attracted 
to it, the profession of Medicine would have been 
unavailable, while from that of the Law, nobler 
in every way, I was equally precluded. For 
some time, however, we canvassed very care¬ 
fully the strong claims of Diplomacy, for which 
in many ways, as my father agreed with me, I 
was most admirably fitted. And I am still 
convinced that both as attache and ambassador 
I should have found congenial and Xtian 
employment. Unhappily, however, such a 
career involved the acquirement of the French 


70 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


language, with attendant dangers, to which 
my father could not persuade himself to expose 
me. Whether he was right in this is perhaps 
open to argument, and I have since met several 
apparently devout men who have not only 
spoken this tongue with reported fluency, but 
have deliberately sojourned in the country of 
its origin. Personally, however, while reluctant 
to condemn them, I must confess to sharing my 
father's views, and I am happy in the knowledge 
that the vicar of my parish holds precisely the 
same opinion. Abandoning Diplomacy, there¬ 
fore, we considered the Consolidated Water 
Board, in which my father of course had con¬ 
siderable influence. But here, as in the Church 
of England, the emoluments were unsatisfactory, 
while the spiritual opportunities, of course, were 
far more restricted. 

Thus step by step, as though by the hand of 
Providence—and indeed, as my father said, it 
could have been by no other hand—we were 
slowly led to the conclusion that in some branch 
of Commerce lay my future destiny. Requiring 
no previous examinations, with liberal, nay 
illimitable, monetary possibilities, this was the 
field—the highest, perhaps, of all—that was now 
unfolded before our gaze. For a few moments, 
I remember, we sat there speechless, one on 
each side of the parlour table. Then my father 


71 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

rose and stood for another few moments with 
his right hand resting on the harmonium. In 
his face there was a great joy, not unmixed with 
solemnity. His eyes looked beyond me out 
towards eternity. Indeed it was to eternity 
that he addressed himself. 

“ Augustus/' he said, “ my son Augustus— 
a Xtian tradesman, preferably wholesale." 

My mother came in to announce the supper. 
But almost impatiently he motioned her 
aside. 

“ Oh, can't you see," he cried, “ that we're 
standing on Pisgah? " 

For a moment, not comprehending him, she 
stared at his feet. Then very softly she with¬ 
drew, and he came toward me with outstretched 
hands. 

“ A Xtian magnate," he said, “a commercial 
Xtian—what better could I have desired for 
you? " 

Impulsively I kissed him, perhaps a little too 
impulsively. But he scarcely flinched as he 
received the impact, merely remarking that, 
upon the next day, he would present me with 
my first razor. Nor did he fail to do so, partly 
reminded by myself, and partly by the appear¬ 
ance, early the next morning, of a slight but 
painful urticaria or nettlerash in the region of 
our most vehement facial adjustment. But 


72 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

that was a penalty, as he several times assured 
me, that many a father would have been glad 
to pay, and one that yielded, in less than a 
fortnight, to an inunction embracing the oxide of 
zinc. 


CHAPTER VII 


A further vision is vouchsafed to us by Providence. Mr. 
Chrysostom Lorton and the sources of his wealth. The 
debt owed to me by Mr. Septimus Lorton. Interview 
with Mr. and Mrs. Septimus Lorton. Mr. Septimus 
Lorton's disgraceful attitude. My father is compelled 
to be frank with him. What I discovered in Greenwich 
Park. 


Manifestly as it had been Providence that 
had thus revealed to us the general sphere of 
my future activities, it was no less clearly the 
same beneficent Agency that determined their 
actual channel; and it has always seemed to 
me peculiarly appropriate that the particular 
enterprise with which I was to be first connected 
should have been suggested to my father during 
the process of family prayers. 

This took place, according to our usual cus¬ 
tom, immediately after the conclusion of our 
evening meal and consisted of the singing by 
my father and myself of two or three hymns or 
sacred choruses, followed by the reading on the 
part of my father of a chapter of Holy Scripture, 
the whole being concluded by one of those 
extemporary prayers in the composition of 
73 


74 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

which my father was so skilled. For the pur¬ 
poses of the Scripture reading the volume 
generally used was a large Bible inherited by 
my father, but on the evening in question, owing 
to an accident with some stewed fruit, this was 
absent at a neighbouring bookbinder's. My 
father had therefore borrowed with my glad 
permission my copy of the Lorton Bible for 
Schools, and it was in opening this that he 
caught sight of the words “ eighteenth edition '' 
on the first page. 

That something had perturbed him was 
instantly apparent both to my mother and 
myself, not only on account of the sudden 
tremor that became visible in his left hand but 
of the extraordinary rapidity with which he 
read the appointed chapter, and the verbal 
errors that consequently ensued. His subse¬ 
quent prayer too was so brief that we were 
scarcely upon our knees before he had leapt to 
his feet again, and my mother and myself, 
indeed, were still kneeling when he began to 
expound the idea that had been vouchsafed 
to him. 

“ I have it," he cried. “ It's just been sent 
to me. Chrysostom Lorton. That's the man. 
Eighteen editions—that's what his Bible's gone 
into, and none of the authors with any royalty 
rights ! " 


75 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

Nor was that all, for in addition, as I have 
said, to being the elder brother of Mr. Septimus 
Lorton, he was not only the proprietor of the 
well-known Beulah , perhaps the most popular 
of weekly religious journals, but his Peeping Up 
Series for Children , devotional stories with 
coloured illustrations, were familiar objects upon 
the nursery book-shelves of every evangelical 
household. Moreover he was the medium 
through which were issued to the world many 
millions of hortatory pamphlets, while the coun¬ 
ters of his show-room in Paternoster Row were 
heaped with every kind of Protestant literature. 

Such then was the man and such the under¬ 
taking, not only Xtian but lucrative, that by a 
chance gesture, or so it might have seemed, 
now stood beckoning before us; and it was 
only necessary, as my father justly said, for his 
brother Septimus to do the rest. But would 
he ? I was at first doubtful. A weak man, he 
was also inert. And it did not of course follow 
that because he used his brother's Bible he was 
on intimate or influential terms with him. This 
much was clear, however, that as the oldest 
pupil in his school, and in view of the treatment 
that I had received from his subordinates, he 
was under an obligation to me that neither my 
father nor myself could morally allow ourselves 
to remit. And although for reasons that I have 


76 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

already mentioned I had not advanced from 
my original class, in the strictly ethical sense, 
by his own admission, I was facile princeps . 1 

“A good boy,” said Mr. Lorton, “a very, 
very good boy, or shall we say, now that he 
has begun to shave, an extremely admirable 
young man.” 

This was upon the next evening, the penulti¬ 
mate evening of my last term at school, when 
both my father and myself were sitting in 
Mr. Lorton's study for the purpose indicated 
above. 

“ It is useless to deny, of course,” my father 
had said, “ that we have been seriously dis¬ 
appointed in your school, or to suggest that 
either my son or myself will be able to look 
back upon it with approval. Nor can I profess 
to be wholly convinced as to the necessity that 
you have so often explained to me of promoting 
your pupils from class to class according to the 
results of an examination. At the same time I 
am open-minded enough to recognise that this 
method has the sanction of custom, and to 
forbear from arraigning you for the consequently 
meagre position that my son still occupies in 
your establishment. Refusing to accept the 
standard, I can afford to ignore its results. 
But of this, Mr. Lorton, I am completely con- 

1 Easily first. 


77 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

fident—that if the index had been a moral or 
religious one, my boy Augustus would have 
been second to none.” 

Here my father paused for a moment to 
expectorate some phlegm, and it was then that 
Mr. Lorton used the words I have quoted. 

“ A good boy,” he said, as his wife entered 
the room, “ a very, very good boy, or shall we 
say, now that he has begun to shave, an 
extremely admirable young man.” 

A heavily-constructed woman of immense 
height, with prominent cheek-bones and a bovine 
chin, it was generally understood that Mr. Lorton 
had selected her chiefly on account of her 
income. And neither my father nor myself had 
ever been able to detect in her the least sign of 
intelligence. Happily her intrusion, however, 
was but momentary, and my father was able 
once more to proceed. 

“ I am obliged to you for your tribute,” he 
said, “ and if, as you must surely admit, my 
son's influence in your school has been inestim¬ 
able, you will the more readily agree with me 
in adopting a reciprocal attitude towards the 
important question of his future employment.” 

As we both observed, Mr. Lorton’s expression 
changed a little. But his voice retained its 
professional amiability. 

“ Oh, precisely,” he said, “ precisely, although 


78 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


you must understand, of course, that my 
influence is strictly limited/' 

“ Nevertheless," said my father, “ I am de¬ 
pending on its exertion to the utmost boundary 
of its capacity. And I should be glad to learn 
what openings you have in view for one to 
whom so admittedly you are a debtor." 

At this point Mrs. Lorton returned and took 
up a position on her husband's left flank. 
Mr. Lorton glanced at her before replying. 

“ Well, of course," he said, “ the problem is 
a somewhat difficult one." 

“ It would be easier," said Mrs. Lorton, “ if 
we were an employment agency." 

My father bowed. 

“ That I fully appreciate," he said. “ But I 
may at least assume, I trust, that you have 
considered the problem." 

“ Oh, deeply," said Mr. Lorton, “ very deeply, 
in fact I ought to say, perhaps, profoundly." 

My father leaned back, folding his arms. 

“ Then may I enquire," he asked, “ with what 
result ? " 

Again Mr. Lorton glanced at his wife. But 
her slab-like face remained unstirred. 

“ Well, I can hardly say," he replied, “ that 
as yet—er—we have come to a definite con¬ 
clusion. The moral qualities, you see, though 
extremely valuable-" 



79 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ For ultimate salvation,” said my father, 
“ they are essential.” 

“ Oh, of course,” said Mr. Lorton, “ of course. 
But in the meantime, you know, and taken by 

themselves-” He paused for a moment, and 

then his face brightened. “ Have you ever 
thought,” he said, “ of making your son a 
missionary? ” 

A sort of sigh emanated from his wife. 

“ In a warm country,” she said, “ a long 
way off? ” 

Mr. Lorton nodded. 

“ Healthy but remote,” he said, “ where his 
moral enthusiasm could have full play? ” 

“ And where his personal appearance,” said 
Mrs. Lorton, “ could scarcely fail to be such a 
protection to him ? ” 

“ Quite so,” said Mr. Lorton. “ I can con¬ 
ceive of no one eating dear Augustus.” 

Mrs. Lorton smiled not unkindly. 

“ No one at all,” she said, “ not even the 
most debased.” 

Afterwards, as we discovered, these remarks 
lacked sincerity. But for the moment we were 
not ungrateful. Colouring with pleasure my 
father lifted his hand. 

“ I am again obliged to you,” he said, “ for 
your tribute.” 

Mr. Lorton rose to his feet, evidently 



80 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

under the impression that the interview had 
ended. 

“ Oh, not at all,” he said, “ not at all, we are 
only too happy to have been of any assistance.” 

He moved towards the door. But my father 
motioned him back. Somewhat less agreeably, 
I thought, he sat down again. Allowing him a 
moment for this, my father then proceeded. 

“ Sensible as I am,” he said, “ both of the 
justice, and I may say discernment, of your 
suggestion, neither on financial nor hygienic 
grounds am I able to entertain it; and in¬ 
deed in its main outlines the province of 
my son's future has already been delineated 
for us. Second to none in my admiration of 
the noble calling to which you have referred, 
surely they are nobler who have created the 
means by which our missionaries subsist, and 
who, of the wealth that their efforts have 
amassed, continue to support these emissaries 
of religion. It is therefore to Commerce that 
my son has been called, but in his first intro¬ 
duction to this sacred field, we have only 
thought it right to afford you the opportunity 
of being the possible instrument of Providence.” 

“ I see,” said Mr. Lorton. “ That is very 
kind of you.” 

“ Take away the number,” said his wife, 
“ that you first thought of.” 


81 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

My father stared at her. But she appeared 
to be in a kind of stupor, and it seemed more 
merciful to avert his eyes. 

“ It has in fact occurred to us,” he said, “ or 
rather to me—for it was to me personally that 
the idea was vouchsafed—that your brother 
Chrysostom would be glad to hear that my son's 
services were now available." 

For two or three moments Mr. Lorton seemed 
to struggle for breath. Then he made a mean¬ 
ingless sound like that of a small animal. 

“ My brother C—Chrysostom ? " he said at last. 
“ But in what capacity would you propose to 
offer your son ? " 

My father smiled somewhat dryly. 

“ I should hardly have thought offer," he 
said, “ was the right word." 

Mrs. Lorton looked at her husband. 

“ He means that dear Augustus," she said, 
” would allow Chrysostom to approach him." 

“ Provided," said my father, “ that he gave 
sufficient assurances. Of course we should look 
forward to an eventual partnership." 

“ And not to succession ? " asked Mrs. Lorton. 

“ Only in the event," said my father, “ of 
Mr. Chrysostom's decease." 

Mr. Lorton wiped his forehead. 

“ That's most considerate," he said, “ most 
considerate." 

G 


82 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ Then perhaps I can rely/' said my father, 
“ on your taking immediate steps to arrange an 
interview for us with your brother.” 

But Mr. Lorton shook his head. 

“ I'm very sorry,” he replied. “ But that's 
quite impossible. For, in the first place, my 
brother's business is a very complicated and 
peculiar one, and in the second I regret to say 
that I have absolutely no influence with him. 
In fact—er—well, to tell the truth, any testi¬ 
monial from me would be worse than useless.” 

“ Oh, worse,” said Mrs. Lorton, “ much worse. 
And besides, he has no vacancies.” 

For perhaps a quarter of a minute there was 
a dead silence, and then very slowly my father 
rose to his feet. 

“ So I am to understand,” he said, “ that 
you entirely refuse to approach your brother on 
my son's behalf? ” 

With a pitiable gesture Mr. Lorton shrugged 
his shoulders, and the clock on the mantelpiece 
made an insolent crowing noise. Trembling, 
but composed, my father swept it to the floor 
together with several of its adjacent ornaments. 
Then very quietly, but with increasing emphasis, 
he began to address Mr. Lorton. It was a 
painful task. It is always a painful task to 
confront such a character with its own portrait. 
But it was a duty from which, I am proud to 


83 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

say, I never knew my father to shrink. Nor 
did he cease, on the present occasion, until the 
last iota of it had been discharged, though such, 
as I have shown, was his verbal economy that 
this was completed in fifteen minutes. Then 
with his hand resting upon my shoulder, for he 
was still the taller by two and a half inches, we 
turned our backs, as we thought for ever, upon 
Mr. and Mrs. Septimus Lorton. 

I have said for ever. But though, as the 
event proved, this was a mis judgment on both 
our parts, it must not be assumed that either 
my father or myself had lost his self-con¬ 
fidence. For the moment, it was true, the 
path seemed obstructed, the vision obscured, 
the end denied. But neither of us doubted that, 
by means yet unrevealed, I should be brought 
at last to the destined haven, although, as I 
must admit, neither of us foresaw the tremen¬ 
dous speed with which this would be accom¬ 
plished. 

Such was the case, however, for when brood¬ 
ing alone, upon the very next evening, in 
Greenwich Park, a familiar voice pierced my 
consciousness and suddenly awakened my every 
faculty. It was a warm but cloudy April dusk, 
and I was sitting upon a seat under a large 
chestnut tree, when I began to hear again, to 
my disgust and astonishment, the detested voice 


84 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


of Mr. Septimus Lorton. Rapidly withdrawing 
myself behind the tree, I then observed him to 
be approaching my seat, evidently engrossed in 
his conversation with a medium-sized female 
who was accompanying him. For a moment, 
as was only natural, I resolved to transport 
myself as far as possible from his neighbourhood. 
But by some impulse—I realize now, of course, 
that this could only have had one origin—I 
merely performed perhaps a quarter of a revolu¬ 
tion round the commanding trunk of the chest¬ 
nut tree. By this manoeuvre, not, I think, 
uningenious, I thus concealed myself from his 
vision while at the same time conferring upon 
myself such possible advantages as might accrue 
from observation. Nor was the event to prove 
me unjustified. For hardly had he arrived at 
the seat that I had vacated when he proceeded, 
accompanied by his companion, himself to sit 
down upon it. 

Being a slow runner my position now was 
one of the extremest peril, and in the event of 
detection, I could only have relied upon my 
happily exceptional vocal powers. But a closer 
inspection of Mr. Lorton's companion and some¬ 
thing in the tones in which he was addressing 
her combined in bidding me hold my ground 
entirely regardless of personal danger. Indeed 
from the beginning, I think, it was less the 


85 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

physical than the moral contingencies that dis¬ 
turbed me. For I had instantly recognized, to 
my profound discomfort, that the person accom¬ 
panying him was not Mrs. Septimus Lorton. A 
woman of much slenderer and more graceful 
build, she had a pink complexion and hazel 
eyes, with a rather large but conceivably allur¬ 
ing mouth, and a considerable quantity of 
yellowish hair. Her name, it appeared, was 
Nina, the i being pronounced as if it were an e, 
and it was quickly apparent to me that, for the 
first time, I was in the presence of the gravest 
human vice. Nor have I ever, perhaps, entirely 
recovered from the enormous shock of that 
discovery. For though I had been aware, of 
course, from my studies of Holy Scripture, that 
such things had occurred in the Middle East, 
and had even deduced from contemporary news¬ 
papers their occasional survival in the British 
Islands, I had never dreamed it possible that 
here, in a public park in the Xtian London of 
my own experience, a married man could thus 
openly sit with his arm round a female who 
was not his wife. 

Trembling all over, I was afraid for two or 
three moments that I was about to relapse into 
unconsciousness, and that I did not do so I can 
only attribute to the amazing discovery that 
followed. For no sooner had Mr. Lorton 


86 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


taken his seat than the petrifying fact became 
manifest that his fellow-criminal was not only 
married herself but was actually the wife of his 
brother Chrysostom . 1 Afterwards, as was inevit¬ 
able perhaps, I utterly broke down, but not 
until I had made full notes of their conversation, 
learned that Mrs. Chrysostom was supposed to 
be out shopping, and observed them kiss one 
another several times. Then, pale and dis¬ 
traught, blinded with tears, and scarcely indeed 
able to suppress my sobs, I hurried home, and 
within less than an hour had buried my face in 
my father's waistcoat. 

“ Oh, father," I cried, “ father," and though 
he had misinterpreted my convulsions, I shall 
never forget the tenderness with which he 
signalled to my mother to fetch a basin as 
quickly as possible. Nor was he less sympa¬ 
thetic when I had succeeded in convincing him 
that my paroxysms were spiritual rather than 
gastric, for smoothing my hair with his unoccu¬ 
pied hand, he at once readjusted my head to its 
former position. 

“ My poor boy," he said, “ my poor Augustus. 
Tell me what's happened. Take your time. 
There, there now. I've sent your mother away. 
But she's left the basin here in case." 

1 I am happy to say that this pernicious family is now 
completely extinct. 


87 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Oh, sin,” I cried, “ sin—unbelievable sin in 
Greenwich Park.” 

I felt my father’s abdomen give a violent 
heave. 

“ In Greenwich Park ? ” he asked. “ Never ? ” 

“ Oh, yes,” I cried, “ yes. Would that it 
were no. But it was not no.” 

My father bent over me, patting my head. 

“ My poor boy,” he said. “ What sort of 
sin? ” 

“ Oh, the worst,” I said, “ the worst. It was 
Mr. Lorton and Mrs. Chrysostom.” 

“ Good Heavens,” said my father, “ Mr. 
Lorton?” 

“ Mr. Septimus,” I said, “ and Mrs. Chrysos¬ 
tom.” 

“ But what were they doing ? ” asked my father. 

Burning all over, I replied that they had 
been kissing. 

“ Kissing,” he said, “ kissing? You mean to 
tell me you saw them kissing ? ” 

“ Oh, father,” I said, “ several times, with 
mutual expressions of passionate regard.” 

I had now reared my head from the lower 
part of his waistcoat, and it would have been 
hard to say which of us was the deeper scarlet. 
Then my father covered his eyes. 

“ Mutual expressions ? ” he whispered. “ Do 
you remember them ? ” 


88 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

With a shaking hand I offered him my pocket- 
book. 

“ They are there,” I said. “ I wrote them 
down.” 

Like a tornado he tore them from my grasp. 

“ My darling,” he read. “ Oh, Septimus. 
Give me another. Well, just one. My only 
darling. Light of my heart. Do you know 
what your lips are like? No, tell me.” 

Then a great light shone in my father's eyes. 

“ Providence has delivered them,” he said, 
“ into our hands.” 

For a moment I was silent. Then I rose to 
my feet. 

“ I had rather thought,” I said, “ that might 
be the case.” 

“ Oh, it is,” said my father. “ It is. Do 
you remember those beautiful words of David's, 

‘ the righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the 
vengeance : he shall wash his feet in the blood 
of the wicked ' ? ” 

“Not only do I remember them,” I said, 
“ but had you not quoted them, I should 
certainly have done so myself.” 

“ We'll wash them to-night,” said my father. 
“ Put on your cap. No, it would perhaps be 
better to wear your bowler,” and five minutes 
later we were standing once more on the front¬ 
door step of Hopkinson House. 


CHAPTER VIII 


Second interview with Mr. Septimus Lorton. But now the 
tables are turned. A pitiful exhibition. My father 
demands guarantees. He will write a letter to Mrs. 
Chrysostom Lorton. My father’s ordeal. When it was 
dark. 

Save that it became the means so strangely 
selected for my early entrance into Xtian 
commerce, I do not propose to linger over the 
comparatively brief but effective interview that 
ensued. At first refused admission, the words 
Greenwich Park sent as a message by the ser¬ 
vant sufficed to bring Mr. Lorton hastily but 
reluctantly and unaccompanied to the front 
door. From there he conveyed us to one of 
the smaller and more distant schoolrooms, and 
it soon became obvious, in spite of his tentative 
denials, and even more despicable evasions, 
that my father and myself were the complete 
masters of the situation. It was true, of 
course, that he tried to temporize with the 
pathetic bravado of the exposed sinner. 

“ But even if it were the case,” he said, 
“ which I am not prepared to admit, that I 
was in Greenwich Park with Mrs. Chrysostom, 

89 



90 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

do you suppose that, were I to deny it, my 
brother would believe you for a moment ? ” 

Fulfilled as he was with a Xtian indignation, 
my father was unable to suppress a smile. 

“ I imagine that at least,” he said, “ he 
would be interested in my son's knowledge 
that she was supposed to be shopping in 
Kensington.” 

Mr. Septimus Lorton protruded the tip of his 
tongue in a vain endeavour to moisten his lips. 

“ And he would also be interested,” I said, 
“ to meet the lame newspaper-seller from whom 
she obtained change for ten shillings.” 

My father nodded. 

“ That cannot often happen,” he said, “ and 
my son tells me that the man picked up one 
of her gloves.” 

“ Yes,” I said, “ and followed her into the 
station with it, where she gave him a sixpence, 
and he called her a pretty lady.” 

My father looked thoughtfully at the tips 
of his fingers. 

“ From which I infer,” he said, “ that he 
could probably identify her.” 

Mr. Lorton passed one of his hands over the 
pale green surface of his cheek. 

“ But, my dear sir,” he said, “ my dear sir, 
even suppose, I say, that without—er—pre¬ 
judice, Mrs. Chrysostom had so far honoured me 


91 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

as to accompany me for a walk in the park 
you mention, surely that is not necessarily an 
indiscreet act in view of the fact that I am her 
husband's brother." 

Again my father smiled. 

“ But a brother, you must remember, whose 
testimonial would be worse than useless." 

For a moment Mr. Lorton glanced from side 
to side with the bestial expression of a hunted 
rat. Then he spoke huskily, after licking his 
lips again and listening for a second or two over 
his left shoulder. 

“ Perhaps I was rather hasty," he said, 
“ rather hasty. In fact I had—er—already 
begun to reconsider that." 

“ I am happy to hear it," said my father. 

“ In fact," said Mr. Lorton, “ I think some¬ 
thing could be done." 

My father bowed again. He was no longer 
smiling. I had seldom, indeed, seen him look 
so grave. 

“ For the sake of your school," he said, “ to 
say nothing of your soul, and for the sake of 
your brother's business, I sincerely hope so." 

“ Oh, I think so," said Mr. Lorton, “ I think 
so. Now, let me see. How could I be most 
helpful? " 

My father cleared his throat. 

“ Deeply as I am inclined," he said, “ to 


92 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


expose this iniquity to the uttermost, and 
irreparable as has been its injury to my son's 
sensibilities, I am yet prepared to concede you 
the opportunity of retaining at least the sem¬ 
blance of your good name. But for my son I 
must claim every guarantee. Upon my son's 
future your own is dependent." 

I dare not record that Mr. Lorton smiled. 
Let me rather say that he exposed his incisors. 

“ Dear Augustus," he said, “ I'm sure he'll 
succeed. I'll send a line to my brother's 
wife." 

My father's expression never changed. 

“ Do you apprehend then," he inquired, 
“ that she can secure him the requisite posi¬ 
tion? " 

“ Far more probably," said Mr. Lorton, 
“ than I. My—er—Mr. Chrysostom Lorton is 
deeply attached to her." 

My father's silence was perhaps more elo¬ 
quent than any merely verbal condemnation. 

“ I—er—I'll write to-night," said Mr. Lorton. 

“ Perhaps," said my father, “ you'd be so 
kind as to give us Mrs. Chrysostom Lorton's 
address." 

Mr. Lorton hesitated. 

“Oh — er — certainly," he said. “Pater¬ 
noster Towers, Enfield." 

My father made a note of this in his diary. 


93 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ We shall call upon her,” he said, “ to¬ 
morrow at noon.” 

Mr. Lorton emitted a sort of gargling sound. 

“ I—er—I'll tell her,” he said. “ She'll be 
delighted.” 

Strong in the Lord, therefore, and indeed in 
comparatively good spirits considering the vile¬ 
ness with which we had been brought into 
contact, we returned home to a belated but 
none the less substantial meal; and it was not 
until this had been absorbed and my mother 
was in the scullery, cleansing the dishes that 
had contained it, that my father referred again 
to the interview that had been arranged for the 
following day. 

“ Although it seemed wise,” he said, “ to 
suggest to that creature that both you and I 
would be present at it, I am afraid that my 
obligations to the Consolidated Water Board 
will in reality prevent me from being there, and 
that you must be prepared therefore, my 
dear Augustus, to face that female alone.” 

I bowed my head. 

“ I pray that you may trust me,” I said. 

With a slightly increased colour my father 
rose to his feet. 

“ I have no doubt of it,” he said. “ But at 
the same time—at the same time—oh, Augus¬ 
tus, Augustus ! ” 


94 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

Deeply moved, he advanced two or three 
paces and leaned heavily against the har¬ 
monium. 

44 You see, my boy,” he continued—at what 
a cost I could only afterwards guess—“ with 
this interview you will be definitely entering 
upon a new and most perilous phase of experi¬ 
ence. For the first time—I must ask you to 
turn down the lamp—for the first time, as a 
marriageable adult, you will be called upon to 
encounter, face to face, a woman of fierce and 
unbridled passions.” 

Here he paused for a moment and I could 
feel the floor shaking. 

“ Oh, father,” I cried. “ Can I not spare 
you ? ” 

“ No, no,” he said. “ I must see it through.” 

I bent forward to steady the lamp, and at 
the same time I turned it lower. 

“ Mind the wick,” he said. 

“ Oh, father,” I cried, “ do you mean that 
she may want to kiss me? ” 

“ Oh, Augustus,” he said, “ or even more.” 

“ Oh, father,” I cried. “ Is there anything 
more? ” 

He swallowed once or twice. 

“ Oh, Augustus,” he said. 

I fear this chapter must remain unfinished. 


CHAPTER IX 


Effect upon my father of his disclosure. My Xtian confidence 
in journeying to Enfield. Paternoster Towers and its 
mistress. Unfortunate detachment of my posterior 
trouser-buttons. Triumphant success of my interview. 
A kindly parlourmaid and her male friend. I secure a 
position under Mr. Chrysostom Lorton. Melancholy 
death of Silas Whey. 

Profoundly, and indeed permanently, as it 
had shaken him—when I turned up the lamp 
again my father was an old man—I cannot say 
that the substance of his communication was 
entirely unfamiliar to me, or that I had not 
been aware, to a certain extent, of a new sig¬ 
nificance attaching to my person. Appreciably 
over five feet in height, with a pectoral girth of 
twenty-six inches, my abdominal measurement 
(fully clothed of course) was but little less than 
a yard, and for some time I had been unable to 
help noticing that I was not unattractive to the 
opposite sex. I had in fact deemed it advisable 
to inform Emily Smith, who, as I have said, 
was somewhat my senior, that while I was still 
agreeable to remain her companion, there could 
be no question between us of ultimate matri¬ 
mony; and I had several times discussed with 
95 


96 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


Simeon and Silas Whey the qualities to be 
demanded from a possible wife. 

Even had I not been fortified, therefore, with 
the details, imparted at such a price to me by 
my father, I should not have felt myself wholly 
unequipped in confronting Mrs. Chrysostom 
Lorton; and, as it was, I made the journey to 
Enfield serene in the knowledge of my instructed 
manhood. This was the more fortunate in 
that, devoid of anxiety, I was enabled to profit 
very fully from an expedition considerably the 
most involved that I had ever engaged upon 
unaccompanied. 

Nothing would have been easier, for instance, 
than, dazed by its magnitude, to have wandered 
for hours in Liverpool Street Station, whereas 
a few courteous and clearly-phrased questions 
soon led my footsteps to the appropriate plat¬ 
form. Similarly, had I been engrossed with a 
fearful apprehension of the ordeal that awaited 
me, I might have been blind to the interesting 
objects that presented themselves to my car¬ 
riage window; whereas I was moved to pity 
and apprehension by the rough streets of 
Bethnal Green, pricked to audible curiosity by 
the uncommon nomenclature of Seven Sisters, 
agreeably reminded, at Bruce Grove, of the 
well-known Caledonian monarch, and so over¬ 
come by mirth, as we drew into Lower 


97 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

Edmonton, at a sudden recollection of John 
Gilpin that an elderly female who was sitting 
opposite me hastily left the compartment. 

I was able to observe, too, with satisfaction 
the busy and prosperous aspect of Enfield, and 
although, as I drew near to the mansion of 
Mr. Chrysostom Lorton, I was naturally a little 
sobered by the imminence of my task, I was 
gratified to perceive in Paternoster Towers a 
concrete testimony to the worth of his enter¬ 
prise. Solidly constructed of red brick and 
surrounded by well-trimmed lawns and flower¬ 
beds, it was further adhered to by a couple of 
large conservatories and approached by a broad, 
gravelled drive. Nor was I less satisfied by the 
humble and respectful demeanour of the good- 
looking parlourmaid who opened the door, and 
who had proceeded, having taken my hat and 
stick, to admit me to her mistress's boudoir. 

“ Mrs. Lorton," she said, “ will be down in a 
minute." 

“ I thank you," I replied. “ I will await her 
arrival." 

Favourably as I had been impressed, how¬ 
ever, it must not be assumed that I had in any 
degree relaxed my guard; and though I was 
aware, of course, that I held every advantage 
I made a rapid survey of the contents of the 
room. 

H 


98 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


Of no great size, it had evidently been furn¬ 
ished to minister almost entirely to the senses, 
and it was perhaps not surprising that I was 
unable to discern a single text upon its walls. 
Upon a parquet floor polished to a degree that 
was almost lascivious in its smoothness, elabor¬ 
ate table-legs stood reflected and a voluptuous 
rug or two solicited the feet. Upon the mantel¬ 
piece stood an oval mirror, indecently sur¬ 
rounded by likenesses of Cupid, and beside it 
a nude female, fashioned in bronze, was 
extracting a thorn from her left calf. Flushing 
involuntarily, I turned away from these only 
to observe upon a French-looking writing- 
table a large photograph of an elderly man, 
pathetically signed “ Your aff. Chrysostom/' 
Beneath this, in a confusion that was probably 
characteristic, lay a half-finished letter to some¬ 
body called Loo-Loo and several others addressed 
to “ Dearest Nina ” that I did not hesitate to 
peruse. Most of these, as I discovered, were 
but little more than the vapid productions of 
obvious worldlings. But two were invitations 
to card parties and one, to my horror, con¬ 
tained the word “ blasted." 

This was the one, indeed, upon which I was 
engaged when the door of the room was abruptly 
thrown open with a lack of refinement that I 
ought perhaps to have expected, but that for 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


99 


a moment completely unnerved me. In fact 
it did more. For in the effort to recover my¬ 
self the rug upon which I was standing slid 
across the floor leaving behind it not only the 
upper and middle but the lower middle portions 
of my frame. Poised in mid-air, my feet 
having accompanied the rug, I was entirely 
unable to support these, and was obliged in 
consequence to assume with the extremest 
suddenness a sedentary position upon the par¬ 
quet. Nor was that all. For when, at the 
third attempt, I succeeded in once more 
standing upright, the left of my two posterior 
trouser-buttons fell with a sharp metallic sound 
upon the floor. Here it paused for a moment, 
and then standing upon its circumference fol¬ 
lowed the rug in the direction of Mrs. Lorton. 

“ Dear me,” she said, “ I'm afraid I inter¬ 
rupted you. Is this your button? ” 

She stooped and picked it up. 

With a supreme effort, and despite the most 
poignant anguish, I regained command of 
myself and requested her to return it. Hardly 
had she done so, however, when there came a 
second metallic sound, and the comrade of the 
first button also rolled to her feet. 

“ Oh, dear," she said, “ isn’t that the other 
one ? What do you suppose will happen 
now ? ” 


100 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

Only those who have experienced the extreme 
discomfort of the simultaneous loss of both 
posterior trouser-buttons, and the consequent 
approach to the back of the neck of the bifurca¬ 
tion-point of the braces, will be able to appre¬ 
ciate the enormous handicap under which 
Providence had now seen fit to place me. In 
the manual effort, too, which became instantly 
necessary to prevent the downward corruga¬ 
tion of my trousers, the first button slipped 
from my grasp and again bounced upon the 
parquet. 

“ Oh, I say,” said Mrs. Lorton, “ is this a 
new kind of game, or are you trying to put 
me at my ease ? ” 

With a silent but powerful petition, I drew 
myself as erect as the circumstances permitted. 

“It is neither a game,” I said, holding up 
my trousers, “ nor am I entering into personal 
relations with you. In fact it is my duty to 
make it quite clear to you that you are no 
sort of temptation to me.” 

Clad in some close-fitting fabric that exuded 
a most licentious scent, I could see at once 
that these well-chosen words had had a pro¬ 
found and immediate effect upon her. Turning 
her back on me, she emitted a hoarse gasp, and 
then collapsing upon the sofa, she lay there 
choking and convulsed in what appeared to 


101 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

be an attack of acute hysteria. Startled but 
unmoved, and still sustaining my trousers, I 
gravely awaited her recovery. 

“ Oh dear/' she said, wiping her eyes, and 
then after looking at me again, she collapsed 
once more. Then she sat up, fanning herself 
with her handkerchief. 

“ You must really forgive me,” she said, 
“ but you looked so stern.” 

“ I should scarcely have thought,” I replied, 
inclining my head a little, “ that as a Xtian 
gentleman you could have expected me to look 
otherwise.” 

“ Oh no,” she said, “ no, of course not. Just 
suppose—oh dear, oh dear.” 

Then she wiped her eyes again. 

“ Wouldn’t you be better sitting down?” 
she asked. 

“ I thank you,” I said. “ But I prefer to 
stand.” 

She folded up her handkerchief and placed it 
in a small bag. 

“ Well, you know best,” she said. “ What 
do you want me to do ? ” 

“ I had imagined,” I said, “ that that had 
already been indicated to you by your fellow- 
accomplice, Mr. Septimus Lorton.” 

“ I say,” she replied, “you do use long words. 
Aren’t you considered to be frightfully clever? ” 


102 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


I bowed again. 

“ In my own circle/’ I said, “ I am not con¬ 
sidered, I believe, to be unintelligent/' 

“ And so you want Chrys," she said, “ to 
give you a job? ’’ 

“ You are doubtless aware," I replied, “ of 
the alternative." 

“ You mean if he doesn’t," she said, “ you’ll 
tell him about me and Septimus." 

“As a Xtian gentleman," I said, “ it would 
become my duty." 

“ I wonder what he’d say," she said. “ When 
do you want to see him? ’’ 

“ The sooner the better," I said. “ I should 
prefer this afternoon." 

She rose to her feet. 

“ Then I’ll have to write him a note," she 
said. “ But it’ll never do to mention poor 
Septimus." 

She crossed to the writing table and began 
nibbling her pen. 

“ Of course it’s rather difficult," she said, 
“ to know what to tell him." 

I bowed again, a trifle grimly perhaps. 

“ The way of transgressors," I reminded her, 
“ is seldom easy." 

“ No, I suppose not," she said. “ How clever 
you are. Aren’t they frightfully proud of you 
at home? ’’ 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


103 


“ I trust/' I said, “ that I have deserved 
their affection/' 

“ Oh, I'm sure of it," she replied. “ Now 
let me see." 

She frowned for a moment and then began 
writing in a peculiarly large and childish 
hand. 

“ Of course I'll have to tell him," she said, 
“ that you were at Septimus's school, where 
you were frightfully struck with the Lorton 
Bible, but that you didn't like Septimus— 
that'll be sure to please him—and so you didn't 
ask him to help you." 

Her face began to brighten as she put this 
on paper, and I noticed that she was protruding 
the tip of her tongue. 

“ So you came here all by yourself, thinking 
he'd be at home, as it was the Easter holidays, 
and when you found he wasn't, you asked to 
see me instead, and I was most frightfully 
taken up with you." 

Here she made a blot, but observed that it 
didn't matter, and then pronounced each word 
as she slowly inscribed it. 

“ He seems a most lovable and religious 
young man, and I do hope you'll help him all 
you can. Cross, cross, cross—those are for 
kisses—your ever loving and devoted Nina." 

Then she handed me the letter. 


104 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ There you are/' she said. “ Now you'11 
know exactly what you'll have to tell him." 

Releasing one of my hands, I read it quickly 
but carefully and returned it to her without 
comment. 

“ Will it do ? " she said. 

“ I can only hope," I replied, “ that, for 
your own sake, madam, it will." 

She put it into an envelope and handed it 
back to me. 

“ Then I mustn't detain you," she said, 
“ any longer." 

Nor did I wish to stay. But I was now face 
to face with a situation of the utmost difficulty. 
Growingly repugnant as was this woman's 
presence to me, and singularly complete as had 
been my moral triumph, both my posterior 
trouser-buttons were still lying upon the floor. 

“ Oh, I see," she said, “ would you like to 
take them with you? I'll put them in an 
envelope and then you won't lose them." 

She accordingly did so, handing me the 
envelope, which I quickly took from her and 
placed in my pocket. 

“ You see, I’m afraid," she said, “ that I 
could hardly trust myself to—to actually sew 
them on." 

I bowed to her coldly, ignoring the split 
infinitive. 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


105 


“ Nor should I have seen fit,” I said, “ to 
concede you the opportunity/' 

Obviously shamed, she lowered her eyes, and 
to hide her confusion rang the bell, and I am 
glad to acknowledge that the entrance of the 
good-looking parlourmaid was not wholly un¬ 
welcome to me. Though but a menial, I had 
already discovered in her some of the most 
desirable female qualities, and I am happy to 
record that in a moment of acute anxiety, she 
played an humble but not unworthy part. 

Mrs. Lorton turned to her. 

“ Oh, Parker,” she said, “ poor Mr. Carp 
has had a most unfortunate accident.” 

Parker glanced at my hands. 

“ Yes, that's the trouble,” said Mrs. Lorton. 
“ Isn't it awkward for him ? ” 

Parker looked at me with genuine sympathy. 

“ Oh, poor gentleman,” she said, “ it must be.” 

“ You see,” said Mrs. Lorton, “ as a Xtian 
gentleman he's quite unable to let them go.” 

“ Oh quite,” said Parker, “ quite—except for 
a moment, perhaps, just to get a firmer hold.” 

Mrs. Lorton opened the door. 

“ So perhaps you'll help him,” she said, 
“ all you can.” 

Parker glanced at her inquiringly. 

“ I mean, put his stick under his arm and 
his hat on.” 


100 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Oh, gladly/' said Parker, “ ever so gladly." 

“ And escort him down the drive and open 
the front gate for him." 

Preceded by Parker, therefore, I left the 
room, and though it was perhaps unfortunate 
that there were two other servants in the hall, 
at Parker's request one of them brought my 
hat, which Parker herself put on my head, 
while the other inserted my walking-stick, 
handle foremost, beneath my left arm-pit. 
Thanking them graciously, but without undue 
familiarity, and once again preceded by Parker, 
I then moved down the drive, of which this 
gentle domestic opened the front gate for me. 
Nor was that the last service that she was 
privileged to render me, for acting upon a 
suggestion that she had obligingly volunteered, 
I visited a tailor in Enfield High Street to 
whom, as I soon discovered, she hoped to be 
betrothed. An admirable young man, he had 
not as yet made up his mind as to whether it 
would be discreet to grant her request, but he 
was happy to provide me with two entirely 
new buttons and personally to affix them to 
the brink of my trousers. 

Completely restored, then, in respect of my 
clothes, and physically recuperated with some 
excellent buns, I was enabled to assimilate the 
scenes of my return journey with an even 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


107 


keener appreciation, and to arrive at Pater¬ 
noster Row in the full confidence of final success. 
Not having a visiting-card, I had made up my 
mind to announce myself as a messenger from 
Mrs. Chrysostom; and, as it proved, this was 
the means of securing me an almost immediate 
audience. A somewhat short and extremely 
stout man with a heavily-coloured face and 
a drooping grey moustache, Mr. Chrysostom 
Lorton, whom I recognized from his photo¬ 
graph, might rather have been a general than 
a man of commerce; and I cannot say that a 
first inspection of him gave me entire satis¬ 
faction. Undoubtedly well-dressed, with a 
serpentine gold ring encasing the lower portion 
of each third finger, I was rather disagreeably 
affected both by his bushy and protruding 
eyebrows as well as by his attitude towards a 
slight mischance associated with the inception 
of our interview. For in presenting the enve¬ 
lope, with which I had assured him Mrs. 
Chrysostom had entrusted me, I unfortunately 
in the first place handed him the one in which 
she had placed my posterior trouser-buttons. 
For a moment he stared at them with bulging 
eyeballs, and then I regret to say that he 
apparently forgot himself. 

“ Good God,” he said, “ what the hell— 
crumph, crumph—what do you mean, sir? ” 


108 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


Equally surprised, I have always been glad 
to remember that I was the first to recover my 
equanimity. Laughing merrily, I handed him 
the second envelope—in point of bestowal, of 
course, the first. 

“ Although you must not assume/' I said, 
“ that my natural mirth in any degree con¬ 
dones your involuntary blasphemy." 

“ Condones my what ? " he said. “ Crumph, 
crumph. But how the devil did she get hold of 
them ? " 

Still clinging to the original envelope, whose 
texture he obviously recognized, his globular 
eyes continued to be focussed on the two 
buttons before him. Briefly I explained to him 
the circumstances of their detachment. But 
for a considerable time he kept referring to 
the subject. 

“ I don't like it," he said, “ I don't like it at 
all. It's not seemly. It might have been very 
serious." 

Then a new suspicion darkened his coun¬ 
tenance. 

“ I suppose I may assume," he said, “ that 
you've had them replaced? " 

I bowed reassuringly. 

" By a tailor in Enfield," I said, “ who was 
incidentally a great admirer of you." 

His face cleared a little. 














































































































































































































































































































































109 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Eh, what ? ” he said. “ An admirer, you 
say? What was his name? ” 

I informed him and he nodded his head. 

“ Ah, yes, yes,” he said, “ a worthy young 
fellow.” 

By an auspicious chance too—if indeed it were 
one—a female clerk now entered the room, 
bearing in her hands a specimen copy of the 
nineteenth edition of the Bible for Schools. 
He glanced up from his wife’s letter. 

“ Yes, yes,” he said, “ that will interest you.” 

“ Nothing,” I replied, “ could have interested 
me more, unless perhaps a specimen of the 
twentieth.” 

Afterwards, as I shall show, my initial dis¬ 
trust of the man proved to have been only too 
well founded. But, as matters turned out on 
this particular afternoon, I left his office as a 
junior assistant. Placed under the charge of 
the show-room manager, I was to help this 
gentleman with his accounts and to act when 
necessary as a salesman of the firm’s congenial 
and Xtian literature. It was a supreme moment 
—it was perhaps, in a good many ways, the 
supremest moment of my life—and I did not 
hesitate, after some further buns, to make 
suitable acknowledgment of it in St. Paul’s 
Cathedral. Nor was the news with which I 
was confronted on my return to Angela Gardens 


110 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

entirely able to counteract the deep satisfaction 
with which it.filled me. 

Nevertheless it was perhaps a timely reminder 
of the ever-present imminence of eternity, and 
it was certainly one that I have made a point of 
recalling in many subsequent moments of elation. 
For hardly had I opened the front gate when 
somebody touched me on the shoulder, and 
turning round, I observed Simeon Whey looking 
more preoccupied than I had ever seen him. 
His lips at any rate were moving rather con¬ 
vulsively and his laryngeal spasm was extremely 
marked. 

“ Kck," he said. “ It's Silas/' 

“ Dear me," I replied. “ What's the matter 
with him? " 

“ Kck," he repeated. “ He's dead." 

“ You don't say so? " I cried. “ What did 
he die of? " 

For some seconds he was unable to speak, 
obviously struggling with his vocal cords, and 
then with a blast of exceptional sadness he 
managed to expel the mournful details. Suffer¬ 
ing, as it appeared, from a temporary gastric 
distention, the amiable lad had gone to the 
medicine chest, where he had unfortunately 
mistaken the cyanide of potassium for the 
bicarbonate of soda. 


CHAPTER X 


Precautionary measures on entering commercial life. I join 
the N.S.L. and the S.P.S.D.T. A crying need in the con¬ 
duct of prayer-meetings. I join the A.D.S.U. Personal 
appearance of Ezekiel Stool. Personal appearance of his 
five sisters. Predicament of Ezekiel Stool on the fifth of 
November. A timely instance of presence of mind. I am 
invited to a meal at the Stools’ residence. A fore¬ 
shadowing of sinister events. 

It was a distressing end. Few things are more 
distressing, indeed, than the sudden demise of 
a potential clergyman. And for the first three 
or four days of my work in Paternoster Row my 
spirits were appreciably clouded. Nevertheless 
I was happy not only that I had embarked upon 
the career so satisfactorily chosen for me, but 
also in the consciousness that, but for my own 
perspicacity, Providence would have found it 
difficult to assist me. Moreover it was an 
additional comfort to me to reflect that, during 
my upward progress in the firm, I should have 
the obligatory if unwilling support of Mrs. 
Chrysostom Lorton. A word in the ear of her 
husband, and her infamy could be no longer 
concealed, and I could not suppose that, callous 
as she was, she would dare to expose herself to 
such an event. 


112 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


Few young men, therefore, can have entered 
business life better equipped or so advantage¬ 
ously placed, and had I in consequence been 
carried away a little, it would scarcely perhaps 
have been unnatural. Very fortunately, how¬ 
ever, and thanks in a great degree to the 
character-forming incidents already related, I 
realized from the outset that I was now defin¬ 
itely committed to the most critical period of 
a young man’s life—namely, the years, so fatal 
to the vast majority, between his seventeenth 
and twenty-fourth birthdays. Then it is, alas, 
that intoxicated with the knowledge that he 
has become, in my father’s phrase, a marriage¬ 
able adult that he begins to resort for the first 
time to the tobacconist and the publican—to 
buy the cigarette that will so inevitably lure him 
into loose and licentious company, and the 
fermented liquor that will only too surely 
encase him in a drunkard’s coffin. 

Nor is that all. For it is in these same 
years, turning aside from the pleasures of 
home—from such innocent round games as 
Conceal the Thimble or the less familiar Up 
Jenkins, or from the happy singing round the 
family harmonium of such an humorous glee 
as Three Blind Mice—that he enters the Pit (so 
appropriately named) of some garish and 
degrading theatre. 


113 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

It is a sorrowful spectacle. But happily for 
my own sake, I had already been so deeply 
saddened by it that I had long since resolved, 
when the necessity should arise, to take every 
possible precaution. No sooner, therefore, had 
I obtained my appointment than I hastened to 
enroll myself as a member of the Peckham 
Branch of the Non-Smokers' League as well as 
of the Kennington Division of the Society for 
the Prohibition of the Strong Drink Traffic. 
Congenial in every way, I not only discovered 
in these an enormous sphere for the exercise of 
my influence, but the membership of both 
societies conferred the privilege of wearing a 
small badge or bone medallion. 

A slightly convex and circular plaque to be 
pinned on the lapel of the wearer’s coat, the 
token of membership of the Non-Smokers’ 
League was about an inch in diameter. Of a 
pale cream colour, it was tastefully wreathed 
with dark blue lilies, symbolic of purity, the 
centre of it being occupied with the initials 
N.S.L. boldly imprinted in the same colours. 
No less decorative to the wearer than intri¬ 
guing to the beholder, a reply to the question 
so often put as to what the initials N.S.L. 
stood for frequently afforded a valuable oppor¬ 
tunity for soul-intercourse on the subject of 
tobacco. 

i 


114 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

Nor was the medallion of the Society for the 
Prohibition of the Strong Drink Traffic either 
less attractive or efficient as an instigator of 
fruitful converse. Slightly larger—its diameter 
was an inch and a quarter—its ground-work 
was of an olive green, the letters S.P.S.D.T. 
richly emerging from this in an ingenious 
monogram of canary yellow. 

Into the work of these societies I now threw 
myself with all the vehemence at my command, 
and had soon forced myself into the innermost 
councils of the local branch of each. Meeting 
every fortnight in a neighbouring church hall, 
the Peckham Branch of the Non-Smokers' 
League did not confine itself merely to the 
organization of these central gatherings. Valu¬ 
able as they were in providing a pulpit for 
lectures upon nicotine-poisoning and its atten¬ 
dant evils, we rightly regarded the outside 
world as the main field of our endeavours. 
Provided with such strikingly headed pamphlets 
as A Gentleman or a Chimney ? or the even 
more dramatic and spiritually searching Your 
Soul or Your Cigar ? we would range the streets 
addressing obvious smokers, or station our¬ 
selves upon the pavement in the neighbour¬ 
hood of tobacconists' shops. In this way, 
though frequently required to endure verbal 
persecution, I am proud to believe that the 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 115 

work performed by us was both timely and 
enduring. 

Working on lines that were somewhat similar, 
the Kennington Division of the S.P.S.D.T. 
held monthly re-unions for the purpose of 
communally denouncing the use of alcohol; 
and here we would discuss, over cups of tea and 
slices of plain but palatable cake, the results of 
our labours during the previous four weeks 
and our plans for the four immediately en¬ 
suing. Appreciably more dangerous, in that 
we deemed it our duty to distribute literature 
at the doors of Public Houses, whence there 
would emerge in depressingly large numbers 
combative men of considerable size, we never 
embarked upon this particular mission save in 
groups of four or five, each member being pro¬ 
vided with a police whistle in addition to his 
parcel of appropriate leaflets. 

Admirably illustrated, these bore such arrest¬ 
ing titles as Passing the Poison or From Beer to 
Bier , two of the most efficient being The Dram 
Drinker s Downfall , and Virtue versus Vertigo. 
That all these works, like those of the N.S.L., 
were published by the firm of Chrysostom 
Lorton was of course an additional and pleasur¬ 
able inducement to further their disposal in 
every way. And although as yet this could not 
result for me in any direct financial advantage, 


116 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

it must be remembered that at this time 
there was still every prospect of its eventually 
doing so. 

To thousands of my readers, slacker in fibre, 
or not so resolute in the pursuit of goodness, it 
may well seem now as if these activities must 
have exhausted my spiritual capacity. But 
this was not the case, and conscious as I was—it 
would have been an affectation to deny it—of my 
very rapidly increasing ability for both religious 
and commercial leadership, I took every oppor¬ 
tunity of developing my unchallenged gift of 
self-expression. Thus, within a year of my 
business advent, I had not only addressed both 
the foregoing societies, but I had become a 
familiar and, I trust, welcome figure at every 
local prayer-meeting. 

I use the word welcome, because I had not 
only discerned in these gatherings an admirable 
vehicle of elocutionary progress, but I had 
quickly discovered in them a crying need that 
it was plainly my duty to supply. Familiar to 
every frequenter of the average prayer-meeting, 
whether Church of England or Nonconformist, 
this was nothing less than the presence of a gap- 
filler, especially in the earlier stages of the 
proceedings. Few can have failed, for example, 
to notice the pause that almost invariably takes 
place after the Chairman has delivered his own 


117 


AUGUSTUS CARP. ESQ. 

petition and invited the efforts of further 
supplicants. Painful in itself, in that it so 
often accentuates the respiratory difficulties of 
those present, how often is it broken, alas, by 
the simultaneous commencement of two or more 
separate competitors? Nor is that all. For, 
each realizing that he is too late, a disheartened 
silence generally ensues, only to be broken 
perhaps by a second neck-to-neck effort on the 
part of all the previous starters that abortively 
collapses again on some such unfortunate phrase 
as “Oh dear, oh Lord/' 

It was here then that I descried, and at once 
began to work, an almost virgin field, never 
allowing an instant to elapse after the right to 
supplicate had been declared general. Indeed 
on many occasions I filled the subsequent gaps 
also, and at one particularly reluctant gathering, 
I can well remember, in less than an hour, 
offering a dozen full-length petitions. That I 
soon had rivals goes without saying. Who, in 
such a position, could have escaped them ? 
But once started, I allowed no second petitioner 
to deflect or abbreviate my entreaties. 

Perhaps the work, however, in which I was 
most interested was that of the Anti-Dramatic 
and Saltatory 1 Union founded by Ezekiel Stool, 
the son of Abraham Stool, the inventor and 

1 Appertaining to dancing. 


118 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

proprietor of Stool’s Adult Gripe Water. Prob¬ 
ably the most persistent and unflinching oppon¬ 
ent that the theatre and dancing saloon have 
ever known, he was then some twenty-six years 
of age and of a very remarkable and beautiful 
character. Indeed all that he lacked of these 
two qualities in his actual physical appearance 
seemed to have been concentrated with addi¬ 
tional force in his spiritual personality. No 
taller than myself, and weighing considerably 
less, he had suffered all his life from an inherent 
dread of shaving, and the greater portion of 
his face was in consequence obliterated by a 
profuse but gentle growth of hair. His voice 
too, owing to some developmental defect, had 
only partially broken; and indeed his father 
Abraham (afterwards removed to an asylum) 
had on more than one occasion attempted to 
sacrifice him, under the mistaken impression 
that he was some sort of animal that would be 
suitable as a burnt offering. 

Regarded as a character, however, and when 
he had fully assured himself that he was not 
in the presence of a theatre-goer or dancer, it 
would have been difficult to imagine a more 
affectionate or deeply trustful companion; 1 
and many an hour we spent together combating 
the drama, both in Central London and the 

1 It was far otherwise, alas, in later years. 


119 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

suburbs. Well provided with money, thanks 
to the sales of the Gripe Water—an excellent 
remedy to which I have frequently had recourse 
—he had himself composed and caused to be 
printed several extremely powerful leaflets. 
Of these perhaps the best were The Chorus 
Girl's Catastrophe and Did Wycliffe Waltz ? 
and these we would distribute in large numbers 
among the degenerate pleasure-seekers standing 
outside theatres. Purchasing seats, too, we 
would ourselves from time to time enter these 
buildings, rising in our places when the curtain 
was drawn up and audibly rebuking the per¬ 
formers. Needless to say, having registered 
our protest, we would then immediately leave 
the premises, not always immune from the 
coarse objurgations of obviously interested 
minions. 

Nor were we less vigorous in our onslaught 
upon the equally prevalent sin of dancing, either 
personally attending or stationing delegates at 
the entrances to halls or private houses, and 
endeavouring if possible by individual appeals 
to warn or deter would-be malefactors. An 
uphill task, it was not for us to say to how great 
an extent we may have succeeded, but I can 
remember at least twelve persons, male and 
female, who promised to consider what we had 
pointed out to them. 


120 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


Deeply as I appreciated, however, the oppor¬ 
tunity of furthering this valuable and congenial 
work, I had not as yet realized the ultimate 
object that an inscrutable Providence had in 
view, or that in Ezekiel Stool I had already 
been handed the compass that was destined to 
lead my steps to matrimony. Such was the 
case, however, little as I then dreamed it, and 
even less, if such a thing were possible, was I 
attracted, on a first acquaintance, to any of his 
five sisters. Simply divided into twins and 
triplets, these were all younger than Ezekiel 
himself, the triplets being then twenty-four, and 
the twins three years younger. None of them 
was married, and indeed, as regarded the 
triplets, this was scarcely perhaps to be won¬ 
dered at. For though they had been interest¬ 
ingly named by their father as Faith, Hope, and 
Charity, they were plain girls, deeply marked 
by the smallpox, and of rather less than the 
average intelligence. Nor indeed were the 
twins, Tact and Understanding, at all remark¬ 
able for personal beauty, and the toes of one of 
them, as I was afterwards to discover, were 
most unfortunately webbed. On the other 
hand, they were kindly, domestic creatures. 
All five of them could play the piano. And the 
heart of each, as they have frequently told me, 
was profoundly stirred by my first visit. 


121 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

Little as I shared, however, though I could 
not fail to perceive, the cardiac exaltation of 
these five females, I have always looked back 
to that first visit with a very considerable 
degree of pleasure, and not the less so because 
of the preliminary service that I was able to 
render their brother Ezekiel. Indeed it was 
this that led to an invitation to share the 
evening meal at the Stools' house, a substantial 
residence with a large garden, about five 
minutes' walk from Camberwell Green. 

A November dusk, some eighteen months or 
so after my entrance into commercial life, I 
had forgotten that it was the anniversary of 
the attempt of Guy Fawkes to destroy the 
Upper Chamber of our Legislature, and my 
thoughts were engaged upon other matters as I 
began to walk home from the omnibus stopping- 
place. I had hardly walked a hundred yards, 
however, when my attention was suddenly 
attracted to a somewhat vociferous group of 
boys, in the midst of whom, to my surprise and 
anxiety, I saw my friend Ezekiel Stool. For a 
moment I was at a loss both as how to proceed 
and the possible reason for the conclave. But 
a moment later I discovered that the position 
was no less disturbing than grotesque. Doubt¬ 
less intoxicated with the memories of the 
day, these ignorant and turbulent youths had 


122 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


apparently discerned in my friend Ezekiel a 
resemblance to the conspirator of 1605. Nay, 
they had gone further. They had professed to 
perceive in him an actual reincarnation of the 
original miscreant, and this in spite of the fact 
that Ezekiel had repeatedly explained to them 
that he had no knowledge of pyrotechnics. 

“ Believe me,” he had said, “ I am neither 
the man you mention, nor do I resemble any 
authentic portrait of him. Nor have I placed 
explosives under anybody’s chamber either in 
London or the Provinces.” 

Despite his denials, however, supported as 
they were by references to prominent local 
residents, the group of vociferators was quickly 
growing both in numbers and excitement, and 
several suggestions were being audibly made 
that he should be exterminated by fire. It was 
a moment for action, and I took it. Fortun¬ 
ately my police whistle was in my pocket. And 
in the next instant I was blowing blast upon blast 
to the utmost capacity of my lung power. The 
effect was immediate. For scarcely had the 
boys dispersed when three or four constables 
arrived on the scene, all of them breathless 
from the act of running, but carrying their 
truncheons in their hands. Being breathless 
too, I could only point at Ezekiel, and for the 
first moment they misunderstood me, rapidly 


123 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

surrounding him, as he leaned against a lamp- 
post, and lifting their truncheons above their 
heads. Once again therefore it was a moment 
for action, and once again I took it. Throwing 
myself in front of him, I shouted to them to 
forbear, and then very briefly I explained what 
had happened. Unfortunately, as I have said, 
the boys had already dispersed. But then, as 
I pointed out to them, that had been my 
object, and the fact that this had taken place 
before their arrival was no reflection upon their 
courage. I cannot record, however, that their 
reception of this news was either Xtian or even 
courteous, and it was a very great relief both 
to myself and Ezekiel when these powerful pro¬ 
fessionals at last went away. Nevertheless, as 
Ezekiel said, I had probably twice saved his 
life, and during the evening meal, to which he 
at once invited me, both his parents and his 
five sisters repeatedly expressed their satis¬ 
faction. Mr. Abraham Stool, indeed, who had 
not then been segregated, but who was already 
under the impression that he was the Hebrew 
patriarch, several times insisted upon my 
approaching him and placing my hand under 
his left thigh, after which he would offer me, in 
addition to Mrs. Stool, a varying number of 
rams and goats. 

Needless to say, I declined to accept these, 


124 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

and a week or two later, as I have already 
indicated, it was deemed advisable, owing to 
his tendency to sacrifice, to place him in other 
and remoter surroundings. But it was a happy 
evening, during which, as I shall always remem¬ 
ber, Ezekiel Stool expressed his regret that my 
father and myself were not fellow-worshippers 
with them at St. Nicholas, Newington Butts. 
Satisfied as we were, however, with St. James- 
the-Least-of-All, where my father had now 
become senior sidesman, we had seen no reason, 
as I was obliged to point out to him, for again 
transferring our worship; and little did I dream 
that even as I was speaking those sinister events 
were already shaping themselves that were 
ultimately to unite us—their only redeeming 
outcome—in this new and closer bond. 


CHAPTER XI 


Design for my grandfather’s tomb. Death and interment 
of Mrs. Emily Smith and the aunt that had stood with 
my mother’s mother at the bottom of the stairs. Effect 
upon my father’s health. Alexander Carkeek and his 
sons. Arrival home from the Stools. First tidings of 
the new lectern. My father’s interview with the vicar. 
Curious instance of transposition of consonants. My 
father rehearses his denunciation. Arrival of Simeon 
Whey. My father repeats his denunciation. 

Permanently impaired as had been my father’s 
health by the ordeal referred to in Chapter VIII 
he had not permitted this, as I have said, to 
interfere with his duties as a sidesman; and 
there were still occasions upon which he would 
exhibit all his old-time fire and determination. 
Thus when my mother’s parents had been 
destroyed by a tram accident about a month 
after the decease of Silas Whey, it was he who 
had arranged the funeral, chosen the hymns, 
and designed the monument by which they 
were to be commemorated. The provision busi¬ 
ness having declined somewhat, the chief factor 
in the design had necessarily been one of 
economy, and my father had therefore confined 
himself to a broken column some three inches 
in diameter and a foot high. Insufficient to 
125 


126 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

accommodate their full names, their initials 
had been tastefully engraved upon it, the 
surface of the grave being sprinkled with 
flints that would require no subsequent upkeep. 

In conjunction with Mr. Balfour Whey too, 
it was he who had selected a house for my 
mother's eight sisters, small but sufficient and 
in a remote part of Wales, where they would 
be able to husband their meagre income. 
Bitterly opposed as the eight sisters had been 
both to living together and leaving Walworth, 
my father had overcome them by the sheer 
power of his torrential eloquence and person¬ 
ality. Surrounded by strangers, as he had 
irresistibly reminded them, most of whom 
were unacquainted with the English language, 
fifteen miles from a railway station and three 
and a half from the nearest village, they would 
have neither the occasion nor the opportunity 
to dissipate their substance in convivial extra¬ 
vagance, while the precipitous roads, by 
which alone the house that he had chosen for 
them could be approached, would give them an 
appetite for the extremely simple fare which 
would be all that their means would allow 
them to purchase. To Wales they had gone, 
therefore, and though he continued to receive 
letters from them, couched in terms of the 
basest ingratitude, he neither replied to these 


127 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

nor permitted them to modify his kindly 
consideration for my mother. 

Nor had he been less adequate in dealing 
with the circumstances that had arisen, a few 
months later, in connection with the demises 
of Mrs. Emily Smith and the aunt that had 
stood with my mother’s mother at the foot 
of the stairs. Both these ladies, who had been 
living on Post Office annuities, had unhappily 
died after sharing a sausage, strongly suspected, 
though never actually proved, of harbouring 
the bacillus of botulism. Thanks to my father’s 
efforts, however, seconded by Mr. Balfour 
Whey, the firm by whom the sausage had been 
manufactured consented without prejudice to 
pay a sum of money sufficient to provide for 
the ladies’ interment. I have said sufficient, 
but after my father had reimbursed himself 
and paid the expenses of Mr. Whey, he was 
once more faced, as in the case of my grand¬ 
parents, with an acute necessity for economy. 
Burying them in a double coffin, however, of 
his own design—a design for which he after¬ 
wards obtained the patent—he succeeded not 
only in keeping the undertaker’s bill within the 
balance at his disposal but in providing a 
surplus with which he afterwards obtained a 
small iron slab containing their names and 
ages. Nor was that all, for with the pound 


128 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

or two that was over he bought a third-class 
ticket to Aberdeen, where he had obtained a 
situation for Mrs. Emily Smith's grand-daughter 
as housemaid in a home for Xtian workers. 

After every such exhibition of pristine vigour, 
however, my father experienced an acute re¬ 
action, and for many weeks would become a 
martyr not only to neurasthenic indigestion, 
but to digestive neurasthenia accompanied by 
flatulence of the severest order. For months 
on end, indeed, my mother would be obliged 
to sit by his bedside in case he should wake up 
and require abdominal kneading, and few were 
the nights upon which she had not in addition 
to go downstairs and make him some cocoa. 
But he would never allow himself to be daunted. 
His breakfast the next morning would be as 
hearty as usual. And he was never deterred 
by even the most obstinate inflation from the 
performance of a moral or religious duty. 
Despite his courage, however, he was leaning 
on me with ever-increasing emphasis, and I am 
proud to recall that, in what was so soon to 
prove the heaviest ordeal of his life, I was 
able to render him very material and indeed 
essential assistance. 

Such then was the position when I parted 
with the Stools, after the evening meal that I 
have just recorded. And it was rather with 


129 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

their cries of thanks and gentle admiration 
resounding through the chill November night 
than with any sense of impending trouble that 
I turned my footsteps towards home. Indeed, 
as I buttoned up my overcoat and drew my 
scarf over my mouth, I had every reason to 
feel content both on my own account and my 
father's, whose health for some weeks had been 
slowly improving. For not only had my 
mother's parents been safely interred and her 
eight sisters satisfactorily disposed of, her two 
aunts competently buried, and Emily Smith 
junior despatched to Aberdeen, but my father, 
as I have indicated, had finally established 
himself as the senior sidesman of St. James- 
the-Least-of-All. 

Conferring the right of leading the other 
sidesmen up the central aisle at the end of the 
collection, this was the more gratifying since 
my father had only obtained it as the result 
of a prolonged and determined struggle, in 
which his chief opponent had been a retired 
fishmonger, known as Alexander Carkeek. A 
northern Caledonian of the most offensive type, 
this gentleman, as he liked to consider himself, 
was now a sleeping partner in the firm of 
Carkeek and Carkeek, fishmongers and poul¬ 
terers in the Kennington Road, and had long 
been suspected, both by my father and myself, 

K 


130 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


of a secret addiction to alcohol. Of middle 
height—he was perhaps taller than my father 
by an inch and three-quarters or two inches— 
his abdominal circumference was equally ex¬ 
tensive and his bullet-shaped face even more 
highly coloured. Unlike my father, however, 
he had signally failed in retaining the bulk 
of his hair, and even his two sons, Corkran and 
Cosmo, were showing signs of becoming bald. 
Sidesmen like their father, they were only less 
aggressive, and during the long contest for 
supremacy, they had seized every opportunity 
of detaining or distracting my father while 
their own got into position at the head of the 
line. Indeed on one occasion, when my father 
had paused for a moment to adjust a door¬ 
handle half-way up the aisle, they had deliber¬ 
ately encouraged their father to push himself 
in front and thereby head the procession. 
Naturally resenting this, my father had im¬ 
mediately plunged forward, with the painful 
result that the two of them had become wedged 
and had been unable, owing to their respective 
girths, either to advance or retreat. Needless 
to say, in the struggle that ensued, my father 
had been the first to break away and had 
arrived at the chancel half an abdomen ahead 
of his pertinacious rival. 

Ultimately, as I have said, however, thanks 









































AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


131 


to repeated protests and an impassioned inter¬ 
view with the vicar, my father had definitely 
secured for himself the right of precedence, 
though the Car keeks still remained sidesmen. 
Nor was that all. For it was now generally 
known that the vicar's churchwarden was about 
to retire, and there could be little doubt, as my 
father had several times observed to me, as 
to the probable successor to this great position. 

It was with a comparatively light heart 
therefore that I opened the front door, hung 
up my hat and coat and folded my scarf, and 
entered the parlour ready to describe to my 
father the events that had occupied my even¬ 
ing; and my distress can be imagined when I 
at once perceived him to be in a state of the 
acutest physical congestion. Facially suffused 
to an alarming extent, the hairs of his mous¬ 
tache were visibly projecting, and I naturally 
assumed at first that he must have become the 
subject of an exceptional degree of intestinal 
discomfort. On closer inspection, however, I 
observed that this could scarcely be the case 
since his waistcoat buttons were still fastened, 
and for a brief second I had a fearful appre¬ 
hension that he was annoyed with myself. 
He did in fact ask me rather abruptly the 
reason for my absence from the evening meal. 
But his expression lightened a little when I 


132 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


told him where I had been and of the services 
rendered by me to Ezekiel Stool. 

“ Yes, it's a good family/' he said, “ a very 
good family, and there's money in it as well 
as religion." 

The next moment, however, his face had 
resumed its congestion, and as I leaned back 
while my mother unlaced my boots, it became 
increasingly evident to me that I was in the 
presence of a spiritual crisis of the gravest 
kind. Nay, even then, I remember, I had a 
sudden presentiment that here was a situation 
of no common significance, and I signalled to 
my mother to be as rapid as possible in bringing 
me my slippers and leaving us alone. Then I 
took a deep breath and, leaning forward a 
little, gently touched my father’s knee. 

“ Can I not help you? " I said. 

My father stared at me. For perhaps a 
minute his lips moved convulsively. Then in 
a strangled voice he uttered a single word, 
followed a little later by fourteen other 
words. 

“ Carkeek," he said. “ It's that fellow Car- 
keek. He’s been and presented the church 
with a lectern." 

For a moment I was utterly dumbfounded. 

“ A lectern? " I asked. 

My father nodded. 


133 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Made of brass,” he said, “ in the image of a 
bird.” 

“ Of a bird ? ” I cried. “ What sort of bird ? ” 

“ Of an eagle,” said my father, “ looking 
towards the left.” 

“ Towards the left? ” I said. “ But where’s 
it to stand? ” 

“ At the top of the aisle,” said my father, 
“ just below the chancel steps.” 

“ But, dear father,” I cried, “ we already 
have a lectern,” and indeed this was literally 
the case, since the cavity or enclosure adjoining 
the choir seats, from which the vicar or his 
curate read the service, was also provided with 
a separate book-rest for the purpose of delivering 
the lessons. 

“ Yes, I know,” said my father, “ but that 
wouldn’t deter Carkeek.” 

" But surely,” I cried, “ the vicar hasn’t 
accepted it ? ” 

“ He has not only accepted it,” said my father, 
“ but the thing’s in position.” 

“ In position,” I said, “ and looking to the 
left? ” 

My father nodded again. 

“ Just west of south,” he said. 

“ But good heavens,” I cried, “ I say it in 
all reverence, then it must be staring right 
into our pew.” 


134 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ So it is,” said my father, “ and not only 
that, the brazen hell-bird's protruding its 
tongue." 

The room darkened a little. 

“ But not intentionally?" I asked. “ You 
don't mean to say that it's protruding its tongue 
intentionally? " 

My father gulped once or twice. Then he 
bowed his head. 

“ Yes, I do," he said, “ and I say it deliber¬ 
ately." 

Then he rose to his feet and stood looking 
down at me. 

“ And that's not the worst," he said, “ not by 
a long way." 

“ Not the worst? " I cried. “ What do you 
mean ? " 

My father swayed a little, but managed to 
recover himself. 

“ I mean this," he said. “ I mean that 
Alexander Carkeek is trying to get himself 
made churchwarden." 

For a moment I was stunned. My father sat 
heavily down again. 

“ But good God," I cried, “ that amounts to 
simony." 

“ I know," said my father. “ That's what 
I've told Carkeek." 

“ Then you've seen him ? " I said. 


135 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

My father looked at me grimly. 

“ I've not only seen him/' he answered, 
“ but I’ve told him what Fve thought of him. 
And IVe explicitly informed him that if he's 
made a churchwarden, I shall take proceedings 
against him in the ecclesiastical courts." 

My father leaned back closing his eyes, and I 
had never admired him more, perhaps, than at 
that moment. 

“ And the vicar," I said. “ Have you spoken 
to the vicar? " 

“ I was obliged to warn him," said my father, 
“ in identical terms." 

“You could do no less," I said. “ But what 
about the bird itself? " 

“ I regret to say," said my father, “ that he 
professed to admire it." 

I stared at him aghast. 

“ Professed to admire it ? " I gasped. “ The 
vicar that we have supported all these years ? " 

My father covered his eyes for a moment. 

“ Even so," he said. “ As I had to point out 
to him, I was seriously shaken." 

“ But surely you protested," I cried. 

“ For seventy-five minutes," said my father. 

“ But couldn't he perceive," I said, “ that it 
was a direct insult to us ? " 

My father moved his hand a little. 

“ He claimed that it was not so. He said 


136 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

that the majority of these birds looked towards 
the left.” 

“ But not with their tongues out,” I cried. 

“ He seemed to think so. He said it was 
symbolic of inward joy.” 

“ But good heavens,” I said, “ I repeat it 
with all reverence, does he expect us to worship 
under conditions like that ? ” 

“I’m sorry to say,” said my father, “ that 
he had appeared to contemplate it prior to my 
insistence on its immediate removal.” 

My heart gave a great leap. 

“ Then it’s being taken down ? ” I cried. 

But my father stared at me with bulging eyes. 
My heart fell back again. 

“ I don’t know,” he said. “ That’s why I’m 
preparing my denunciation.” 

It was a solemn moment. It was perhaps the 
solemnest moment that either of us had been 
called upon to experience, and even as I spoke, 
I felt that we were drawing towards the threshold 
of one of the greatest issues of our terrestrial 
life. 

“ Then he refused? ” I said. 

“ Let me be quite fair,” said my father. 
“ He rather temporized than actually refused.” 

I could not help smiling a little sardonically. 

“ The distinction is a fine one,” I said. “ I 
suppose he adduced some grounds ? ” 


137 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

My father breathed heavily. 

“ He was insolent enough to remind me,” he 
said, “ that it was eight o’clock on Saturday 
evening and that the bird in question, which 
had only just been set up, weighed approxi¬ 
mately a quarter of a ton. He also suggested 
that the congregation ought to have an oppor¬ 
tunity of inspecting it.” 

“ The congregation ? ” I cried. “ But what 
has the congregation to do with it ? It’s not 
putting its tongue out at the congregation.” 

My father inclined his head. 

“ Precisely what I told him,” he said, “ but 
he merely fell back upon his previous argument, 
that the exposure of the tongue, if indeed it 
were a tongue, was merely significant of good 
tidings.” 

“ I see,” I said. “ So you gave him an 
ultimatum? ” 

“ I was compelled to,” said my father. 
“ There was no other course. Either it must 
be removed, I told him, before to-morrow 
morning or I should publicly denounce it during 
morning service.” 

“ And what did he say? ” I asked. 

My father made a contemptuous gesture. 

“ Oh, you know what he is,” he replied, “ a 
weed before the rind.” 

“ You mean a reed,” I said. 


138 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ What did I say? ” said my father. 

“ You said a weed/' I said. 

“ I said a weed? ” said my father. 

“ A weed before the wind/' I said. “ I mean 
the rind.” 

“The rind? ” said my father. “ But that's 
wrong.” 

“ Yes. But that's what you said,” I said. 

“ A weed before the rind ? ” said my father. 

“Yes, a transposition,” I explained, “ of the 
initial consonants.” 

“ A transposition? ” enquired my father. 

“ Yes, an error in enunciation,” I said, “ such 
as frequently takes place under emotional 
stress.” 

“ But, I don’t understand,” said my father. 

“ You meant a reed before the wind,” I said. 

“ Well, of course,” said my father. “ That's 
what I said.” 

“ No, you said a weed,” I said, “ a weed 
before the rind.” 

“ But how can a weed be before the rind? ” 
said my father. 

“ But you didn't mean that,” I said. “ You 
meant a reed before the wind.” 

“ Well, that's what he is,” said my father. 
“ That's just what I say. That's why he 
implored me not to make a denunciation.” 

“ But of course you will,” I said. 


139 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

My father nodded. 

“ Immediately after the collection/' said my 
father, “ and before the blessing." 

I looked at the clock. It was a quarter past 
ten. In an hour and three-quarters the sabbath 
would be upon us. There was not much time. 
I glanced at my father anxiously. 

“ How far have you got ? " I asked. 

“ About half-way," he said. 

Then he rose to his feet again and crossed to 
the harmonium. 

“ Ring for the cocoa," he said. I sprang to 
the bell. But just as I reached it my mother 
entered, bearing two cups of the sustaining 
fluid. Signalling to her to withdraw, he lifted 
one of the cups and drained its contents at a 
single gulp. 

“ Now, listen," he said, and in a low but 
rising voice, he began a denunciation that I 
shall never forget. 

Impeccable in logic, succinct in argument, 
perfect in phrasing and faultlessly delivered, I 
have never, I think, listened to so moving an 
utterance as the initial moiety of my father's 
denunciation. Beginning, as I have^said, in a 
low voice, yet one that was crystal clear in its 
penetrating capacity, for the first five minutes 
or so my father refused to allow himself the 
adventitious aid of a single gesture. It was the 


140 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

gathering of the storm, as it were, the mar¬ 
shalling of the hosts of heaven, composed but 
relentless, above the brazen image. Then he 
paused for a moment, indicating the aspidistra 
that stood upon a tripod in the corner of the 
room. 

“ Now, say that’s the bird,” he said, and 
suddenly like a flash of lightning, his right 
index finger was quivering upon the air. In¬ 
voluntarily I leapt round and stared at the 
aspidistra, and then like the deafening down- 
burst of a tornado, my father expanded his 
chest, threw back his head, and opened the full 
floodgates of his passion. Pallid and cowering, 
I crept behind the armchair, while syllable after 
syllable rent the night, and the delirious har¬ 
monium leapt and crashed down again beneath 
the palpitant thunder of his blows. Then 
almost as suddenly he stopped. 

“ That’s as far as I’ve got,” he said. 

I crept from my shelter. 

“ Is there to be much more? ” I asked. 

“ About five minutes’ calm,” he said, “ and 
then the final, culminating climax.” 

He wiped his forehead. 

“ I’ve got it roughed out,” he said, “ if 
you’d like to hear it before it’s rounded 
off.” 

I signified my assent, and he proceeded. But 


141 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

indeed it already seemed to me to be practically 
flawless, while the ultimate crescendo, prepared 
as I had believed myself, left me literally 
prostrate and fighting for breath. My father, 
on the other hand, although he was perspiring 
freely, seemed to have become endowed with a 
new lease of life, and was able single-handed to 
replace the harmonium which had fallen upon 
its face during his closing sentence. Then there 
came a low knock on the parlour window. It 
was nearly eleven; we stared at each other 
startled; and it was with considerable relief 
that we perceived the new-comer to be no 
more important than Simeon Whey. Yet his 
errand was a kind one, although it was a con¬ 
siderable time before he was sufficiently master 
of himself to explain his presence, while we had 
already foreseen and prepared for the tidings 
that had brought the admirable youth to our 
window. 

Hearing from his father, whom my father had 
already consulted, of the very great trouble with 
which we were threatened, he had put on his 
hat and coat, wrapped his scarf round his neck, 
and immediately hurried to St. James-the- 
Least-of-All. There, with infinite cunning and 
hardly less devotion, he had managed to conceal 
himself behind a tombstone, where he had 
awaited for nearly an hour and a half the 


142 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

arrival of workmen to remove the lectern. 
None had come, however, and somewhere about 
half-past ten, he had reluctantly abandoned his 
vigil and, faint with hunger, hurried to Angela 
Gardens to apprise us of its result. 

“ Kck," he said, when we had given him a 
biscuit, “ Urn afraid it'll be a case of denuncia¬ 
tion." 

My father nodded grimly. 

“ So I had anticipated," he said. “ In fact 
I had just been denouncing when you knocked 
at the window." 

“ Kck," said Simeon—now a theological 
student—“ I should like to have heard you." 

My father glanced at me, and I inclined my 
head. 

“ I'll do it again," he said, and he returned 
to the harmonium. 

Nor was he less powerful than on the first 
occasion, and I shall never forget his effect on 
Simeon Whey. Beginning as before in a low 
voice, yet one that was crystal clear in its 
penetrative capacity, for the first five minutes 
or so he refused to allow himself the adven¬ 
titious aid of a single gesture. It was the 
gathering of the storm, as it were, the marshal¬ 
ling of the hosts of heaven, composed but 
relentless, above the brazen image. Then he 
paused for a moment, again indicating the 


143 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

aspidistra that stood upon a tripod in the 
corner of the room. 

“ Now, say that's the bird," he said, and 
suddenly, like a flash of lightning, his right 
index finger was quivering upon the air. In¬ 
voluntarily Simeon leapt round and stared at 
the aspidistra, and then like the deafening 
downburst of a tornado, my father expanded 
his chest, threw back his head, and opened the 
full floodgates of his passion. Pallid and cower¬ 
ing, Simeon crept behind the armchair while 
syllable after syllable rent the night, and the 
delirious harmonium leapt and crashed down 
again beneath the palpitant thunder of my 
father's blows. Then for five minutes there 
was a comparative calm, while Simeon Whey 
crept from his shelter, until the ultimate cres¬ 
cendo stretched him helpless on the carpet, blue 
in the face, and fighting for his breath. Then 
he staggered to his feet and sank into the arm¬ 
chair, while my father once more picked up 
the harmonium. 

“ Oh, kck," he said, “ kck." 

It was all that the poor youth was able to 
utter. 


CHAPTER XII 


Breakfast finds us calm but grave. My mother is allowed to 
accompany us to church. My father’s clothing and 
general demeanour. Remark of Simeon Whey on my 
father’s hat. First impressions of the new lectern. 
Unmistakable evidences of guilt. The vicar’s feeble 
apologia. A devilish device and its disastrous results. 
I race with Corkran for half-a-crown. My poor father 
is three times dropped. 

Impeccable in logic, as I have already said, 
succinct in argument, and perfect in phrasing, 
it is with the profoundest regret that I have been 
obliged to omit from these pages the actual 
words of my father’s denunciation; and I 
should like to make it quite clear that for the 
inevitable disappointment my publishers alone 
must bear the blame. Bitterly as I have 
protested, however, they have replied to every 
argument with sordid references to the cost 
of production, and this volume has in conse¬ 
quence been rushed through the press deprived 
of my poor father’s terrible indictment . 1 Nor 
is this the less deplorable because at the last 

1 It is my full intention, however, to pursue this matter 
further, and any reader desirous of signing an appeal should 
instantly communicate with me at Wilhelmina, Nassington 
Park Gardens, Hornsey. 


*44 


145 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

moment my father himself was prohibited 
from uttering it, owing to an intervention of 
Providence as little to have been expected as 
it has always appeared to me inexplicable. 
Indeed, had we foreseen it, I doubt if either 
my father or myself would have been able to 
retain his sanity, and we should certainly not 
have met, as we did the next morning, in a 
.comparatively cheerful frame of mind. 

Yet this was the case, and although, as each 
of us remarked, the expression of the other 
was unwontedly grave, it was a relief to us 
both to learn that neither of us had spent a bad, 
or even indifferent, night. Considering the 
circumstances, indeed, we had slept remarkably 
well, and in view of the tremendous task that 
now certainly awaited us, each of us was scrupu¬ 
lous to fortify his person with as large and 
nourishing a meal as possible. As we sang 
the morning hymn, too, I was glad to perceive 
that my father's voice was in exceptional con¬ 
dition, while the sunshine and soft air augured 
well for a particularly large congregation. 

“ The more, the better," said my father, 
and he even went so far as to permit the attend¬ 
ance of my mother, thereby excusing her from 
her usual task of preparing our midday 
meal or dinner. 

“ We'll have something cold," he said, 

L 


146 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ middle day, and she shall give us a good hot 
meal after evening service.” 

With myself on his right, then, and my 
mother on his left, we left the house at 10.45, 
and I have never, I think, seen my father so 
meticulously dressed as on this stern but 
necessary occasion. Wearing his longest frock- 
coat, a double-breasted gentian waistcoat, fault¬ 
lessly creased trousers, and the glossiest of 
brown boots, his collar was encircled with a 
cream-coloured velvet tie, held in position 
by a single Cape garnet. By a happy circum¬ 
stance, too, his bowler hat had only been pur¬ 
chased the week before; and indeed, as Simeon 
whispered to me, it might rather have been 
that of some French aristocrat mounting the 
tumbril than of a Xtian sidesman of the United 
Kingdom on his way to denounce a lectern. Nor 
did he hesitate to lift it when we met Mr. and 
Mrs. Carkeek, accompanied by Cosmo and 
Corkran, although I have seen nothing more 
distant than the inclination of the head with 
which he signified consciousness of their presence. 
As Simeon said to me, “ Your father may be a 
Xtian, but he never forgets that he's a gentle¬ 
man." 

We were now on the brink, however, of the 
church porch—a couple of steps and the effigy 
would be in sight—and deeply as we had 


147 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

impressed upon each other the necessity for 
self-command, I could not help staggering a 
little and leaning against Simeon. My father 
staggered too, leaning against Mr. Balfour 
Whey, while my mother staggered against Mrs. 
Meatson, the obliging wife of Mr. Meatson, the 
editor of the parish magazine. Then with 
a supreme effort we recovered our equilibria, 
and in the next moment—albeit at a distance— 
we were facing an image that, for malignant 
effrontery, was surely unparalleled in Church 
history. 

I say facing, for although its actual counten¬ 
ance was turned, as I have said, towards the 
left, its malevolent bosom as well as its right 
eye were directly focussed upon our persons. 
Nor can I trust myself, even now, to describe 
its effect upon us as we moved up the aisle, 
although every detail of its repulsive appear¬ 
ance was indelibly graved upon my memory. 
Suffice it to say, therefore, that it gave the general 
impression of a vulture rather than an eagle; 
that it appeared to have robbed an arsenal 
of a medium-sized cannon-ball, upon which 
it now stood poised on the summit of a mast; 
and that its outspread wings had been blas¬ 
phemously converted into a support for the 
Holy Scriptures. Nor was that all, for at each 
corner of the pedestal, in which the mast had 


148 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


been embedded, was an additional claw with 
projecting talons of undisguised ferocity—the 
total effect from the bottom of the aisle being 
that of a six-clawed monster about to expectorate. 

Repellent as was its appearance, however, 
even at a distance, it was not until we drew 
nearer to it up the central aisle that I suddenly 
became aware in it of a quite unforeseen and 
infinitely sinister significance. For now, as 
we approached our pew, which was the front one 
on the right, it was perfectly clear that its eyes 
had been so fashioned as to be capable of regard¬ 
ing us, either separately or in unison, with 
an almost unbelievable degree of venom. But 
they could do more, for what was my horror, 
just as we were about to turn into our pew, to per¬ 
ceive that my father, whose colour had visibly 
deepened, was still holding on towards the chan¬ 
cel. Nay, to be exact, he was still holding on 
towards the very image that he had come to 
condemn, with his two eyes fixed and slowly 
converging upon the baleful eyeball of the bird 
itself. For a moment I stood spellbound. 
What was he about to do? And then, as the 
pew rocked beneath my feet, I suddenly realized 
that my poor father had been foully and deliber¬ 
ately hypnotized. 

It was a critical instant. Another couple 
of steps, and one of two things must inevitably 


149 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

have happened. He would either have dashed 
his forehead against the bird’s bosom, or his 
abdomen would have collided with the mast. 
Nor was the danger less real because it was as 
yet unperceived either by my mother or the 
rest of the congregation. With an enormous 
effort, however, I succeeded in rallying myself 
and seizing and compressing my father’s right 
elbow, steering him half-conscious into his 
usual place, where he immediately fell forward 
upon his knees. Then I bent down. “ It 
was the bird’s eye,” I said. “ Whatever you 
do, avoid the bird’s eye,” and ample was my 
reward in the immensely powerful squeeze 
which was the only thanks he was able to bestow. 

But the danger was not over, for, now that 
we were in our pew, we were being permanently 
impinged upon by the bird’s full visage, and I 
saw at once that we should be taxed to the 
uttermost to sustain its gaze until the end of 
the service. Regarded from this aspect, how¬ 
ever, in which its competing tongue masked the 
malignity of its eyes, its expression was less 
menacing than insolent, albeit to an almost 
intolerable extent. And it was obviously in 
the exposed eye, solitary and unchallenged, 
with which it had followed us up the aisle, 
that its concentrated malice had found the 
weapon most effective for its purpose. Tern- 


150 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

porarily released, therefore, from the acutest 
personal anxiety, I was at last in a position to 
observe my fellow-worshippers, and I would 
that I could record even some semblance of 
resentment at the loathsome object with which 
they had been confronted. Upon no face, 
however, could I see anything inscribed beyond 
an unintelligent curiosity, while upon many 
I could not fail to observe an even more lament¬ 
able admiration. 

Indeed I could hear actual whispers, indicative 
of approval, such as “ Did you ever, now? " 
or “ Isn't it handsome? '' while some put such 
queries to one another as, “ What do you suppose 
it cost ? '' “ Whoever could have paid for it ? '' 

and "Hasn't it got a polish? " Nor have I 
seen anything, I think, quite so nauseating to 
a sensitive Xtian stomach as the scarcely- 
concealed triumph so smugly discernible upon 
the faces of the four Carkeeks. My only reas¬ 
surance, in fact, lay in the reflection that my 
father's denunciation had yet to come; that 
in so large an assembly there must surely be 
one or two to whom the bird's true character 
must have been obvious; and that the vicar 
and his curate, who were now nervously enter¬ 
ing, had not finally committed themselves. 
Then the organ ceased playing, the vicar, who 
was plucking at his surplice, hastily glanced 
at my father, and the curate, whom I had 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 151 

never seen paler, tremblingly embarked upon 
the service. 

Pale as was the curate, however, and staccato 
as was his utterance, he was the very embodi¬ 
ment of self-confidence compared with the vicar 
when the latter first approached the lectern 
under the steadfast gaze of my dear father; 
and I have seldom seen the consciousness of 
guilt take such visible toll of an alleged Xtian 
clergyman as when this weak prelate staggered 
from his corner and clung tottering to Carkeek’s 
eagle. Nor had I perceived until then—or 
not so fully—the profound wisdom that had 
been my father’s in concealing from these men 
the exact moment at which he intended to make 
his protest. For they were thus proceeding 
in the devastating knowledge that at any 
syllable they might be cut short, and publicly 
arraigned before the whole congregation for 
their base act of betrayal. 

In spite of my anxiety, therefore, I could 
scarcely suppress a smile, and I was glad to 
observe, as I glanced at my father, that he was 
once more in complete command both of himself 
and the situation. Indeed I had never heard 
him in such stupendous voice as during the hymn 
that preceded the sermon, and it was obvious 
that the vicar conceived this to be the prelude 
to the actual deliverance of the indictment. 
It was at any rate some moments before he was 


152 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


able to speak, and I have never, I think, heard 
a more pitiable noise than the quavering tones 
in which he uttered the words of Jeremiah, 
“ Mine heritage is unto me as a speckled bird.” 1 

Spoken by the prophet, he said, under con¬ 
ditions of considerable stress—and who had 
known more stress than the prophet Jeremiah? 
—it might also be rendered, as the margin so 
beautifully reminded us, as a bird having 
talons. Mine heritage is unto me as a bird 
having talons—here he paused for a moment, 
avoiding my father's eye—or might he not say, 
perhaps, using the plural, our heritage is a bird 
having talons? For in this great gift, this 
unique gift, that few of us could have failed, 
he thought, to have noticed, we were all par¬ 
ticipators, even the most degraded of us, thanks 
to the generosity of Mr. Car keek. Yes, it was 
indeed our heritage, ours , a speckled bird, a 
bird having talons. And who could say that 
the care-stricken prophet had not foreseen 
this beautiful lectern? 

For it was a beautiful lectern—few, he thought, 
could deny this—this speckled bird, this bird 
having talons. And yet it might well be that, 
owing to its very unexpectedness, it should give 
rise to differing opinions. Nay, he would go 
further. He would hope that it might, for 
they were all there, he trowed, in a double 

1 Jeremiah xii. 9. 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


153 


capacity—as human beings, overflowing with 
gratitude, but also as trustees for the church’s 
furniture. 

Yes, they were trustees. They must never 
forget that. That was a distinction that he 
would have them remember. They were not 
only human beings, but they were churchmen 
and trustees — church-beings, trustees and 
human men—yea, and women also, churchees 
and trust-men; furniture-women, church-trusts 
and humanees. They were all those things, 
and they would remember the old saying, so 
many men, so many opinions. Thus it might 
be argued—and very reasonably argued—that 
the present reading-desk was sufficient, and that 
the very magnificence of this noble bird might 
a little detract from its holy purpose. As for 
that, the congregation must judge. He would 
welcome the opinion of each one of them. 
There was not one of them whose opinion he 
would not welcome, even the lowliest and most 
sinful. For though our heritage had come 
unto us as a speckled bird, as a bird having 
talons, it did not necessarily follow that it was 
our Xtian duty to take it up and enter into it. 
Many great men, as they were doubtless aware, 
had given up heritages of considerable value, 
and who should say that they had not been 
actuated by the highest and most holy considera¬ 
tions ? But others like Esau had lived to regret 


154 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

it. It was a matter for the congregation to 
decide, united though they would be in their 
undying appreciation of the splendid muni¬ 
ficence of Mr. Carkeek. A speckled bird, 
a bird having talons—let them not lightly 
discard their heritage. But let them not, on 
the other hand, too lightly accept it as a bird 
of no moment. Then, with obvious relief, 
and indeed a certain amount of complacence, 
he hurriedly backed down the pulpit steps, 
just as the curate, leaping to his feet, gave 
out the number of the closing hymn. 

But my father was not perturbed. Through¬ 
out the whole service, indeed, he had sat there 
expressionless as a sphinx, but none the less 
terrible, because his unwinking eyes had given 
no hint of their ultimate purpose. Then he 
rose to his feet, carrying his offertory plate, 
and it was only in the very deliberateness with 
which he did so that the most discerning might 
have gathered a hint, perhaps, of the stupendous 
judgment about to fall from him. Nor did 
he allow the task, which was now so imminent, 
to interfere with his usual custom of joining 
in the hymn to his uttermost capacity as he 
moved from pew to pew collecting the offertory. 

But the great moment was now close at hand, 
and I could not forbear turning for a moment 
in my place and glancing down the aisle at the 
procession of sidesmen, already formed and wait- 


155 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

ing my father’s signal. For from now onwards 
even I myself was a little uncertain of my father’s 
intentions, although I did not apprehend that 
he would begin his denunciation before the last 
of the sidesmen had yielded up his plate. Then 
I glanced at the vicar, who had come to the 
chancel steps; at the curate, who was plucking 
at his stole; and finally at the bird, with its 
brazen eye fixed as before on my approaching 
father. For the hymn had come to an end now 
and the procession was in motion, with my father 
in the van carrying his plate, followed by 
Alexander Carkeek, Mr. Balfour Whey, Mr. 
Meat son, Cosmo and Corkran. Slowly they 
proceeded, with Mr. Carkeek, as usual, chafing 
at the necessity of having to march second, 
but obviously intoxicated with pride and self- 
satisfaction as the people in the pews craned 
their heads to look at him. So disgusting 
indeed did I find the spectacle that I was obliged 
for some seconds to close my eyes, and it was 
during this brief interval that there happened 
the awful thing that was finally to shatter my 
father’s health. For when I opened them 
again, pale and petrified, it was once more to 
behold my father caught and transfixed and 
stertorously advancing into the same ingenious 
and devilish trap. 

But now it was too late, though I gave a 
great cry, and yet that cry, perhaps, may 


156 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


have modified the disaster. For at the last 
instant, as though he had half-regained conscious¬ 
ness, my father swerved a little to the right, 
albeit only to stumble and fall at full length 
over the south-west talons of the pedestal. 
And yet even then the sidesman in him remained 
uppermost. For though a half-crown had been 
jerked from his plate, he never let this go until 
he had safely grounded it at the very feet of 
the vicar. Nay, he rose higher. For observing 
that the half-crown was hurrying towards a 
grating at the end of the transept, and per¬ 
ceiving that Corkran Carkeek, obeying his 
family's instinct, had suddenly leapt forward 
and was hastening after it, he bade me try and 
secure it before the young Caledonian had 
succeeded in capturing it for his own box. 

“ But your poor self? " I cried. 

“ Never mind me," he said, “ or hell get his 
foot on that half-crown." 

And it was then, and only then, that he yielded 
to Nature with shriek after shriek of unutterable 
pain. 

It was an astounding moment. For there 
were thus two spectacles competing for the 
attention of the congregation, most of whom 
had now risen and were standing on their seats 
in the natural desire to observe events. For 
in the first place there was my father, writhing 
on his abdomen at the foot of the lectern, and 


157 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

in the second there were Corkran and myself 
engaged in the bitterest of races to save and 
recapture the half-crown. Nor did I win. 
For though I managed to overtake him, he got 
his boot upon it at the last moment, just as I 
had stooped and was about to lift it up at the 
very brink of the grating. Choking as I was, 
however, and in spite of his exceptional height, 
I was able to look him full in the collar and 
assure him that from that moment I should 
cease to number him amongst even the most 
distant of my acquaintances. Then, dumb 
with wrath and blinded with tears, I managed 
to swing round upon my heels just as the remain¬ 
ing sidesmen, assisted by the vicar and curate, 
succeeded in raising my poor father. 

But the ordeal was not over. Nay, it had 
hardly begun. For not only did they drop 
him in the south transept, but they dropped 
him a second time in the side aisle, and again 
upon the threshold of the vestry. Whether 
this was intentional will never be known, or 
not until that Day when all shall be made clear. 
But I cannot help mentioning that the Carkeeks 
were among the bearers, and that I had never 
seen the curate looking so cheerful. 


CHAPTER XIII 


Description of the injuries sustained by my father. A 
supremely difficult medical problem. Legal assistance of 
Mr. Balfour Whey. Infamous decisions and public 
comments. A quiet church and obliging clergy. Sur¬ 
prising character-growth of Ezekiel. A distasteful pro¬ 
position generously put forward. Disgusting behaviour 
of a show-room manager. 

Such then was the incident that not only, as 
I have said, finally destroyed my father’s 
health, but was also destined, after several 
weeks of the profoundest physical inconveni¬ 
ence, and almost as many months of the acutest 
legal anxiety, to deprive him (and ultimately 
myself) of the greater portion of his savings. 
For it was obvious from the outset that the 
matter had to be challenged—and indeed we 
had so pledged ourselves before the ambulance 
bore him from the vestry—at whatever cost to 
ourselves and our friends, and before as many 
tribunals as might prove necessary; and it has 
often seemed to me that it was only this sacred 
obligation that preserved my father from 
immediate extinction. For not only was it 
discovered by the three doctors, who were 
158 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 159 

immediately summoned to attend upon him, that 
his right knee was displaying evidences of 
incipient synovitis, but the three falls, to which 
he had been subjected between the lectern and 
the vestry, had resulted in extremely severe 
contusions of both his larger gluteal muscles. 

The problem before the physicians was thus 
an exceptionally difficult one. For while the 
condition of his knee demanded that he should 
lie upon his back, that of his gluteal muscles 
was even more imperative in demanding a 
position precisely opposed to this. After a 
considerable argument, therefore, it was finally 
decided that for the first week or ten days 
the position to be assumed should be a face- 
downwards one, with a protective cage over the 
contused muscles. By this means any painful 
pressure that might have been exerted by the 
bedclothes was avoided—an additional protec¬ 
tion being afforded by two discs of lint, previ¬ 
ously spread with a cooling ointment. For the 
purposes of nourishment, which was to be 
ample and sustaining, my father was then to be 
drawn towards the end of the bed, his head 
being allowed to project to a sufficient distance 
to permit of nutriment being inserted from 
below. Owing to his weight, this, of course, 
necessitated the erection of a pulley with straps 
passing under his arm-pits, a return pulley with 


160 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

straps passing round his ankles coming into play 
at the end of each meal. Even with such 
assistance, however, my poor father's plight 
remained an exceedingly deplorable one; and 
it is scarcely to be wondered at that, from time 
to time, he betrayed a marked irritability. 

Prostrate as he was, however, and already 
conscious that his career as a sidesman was 
definitely over, he flung himself almost im¬ 
mediately, and with all the energy left to 
him, into the necessary preliminaries of the 
approaching litigation. Day after day, even 
while still lying on his abdomen, he held pro¬ 
longed interviews with Mr. Balfour Whey, who 
most considerately lay beneath my father's bed, 
parallel with the sufferer and looking up into 
his face. Whether, in the world's history, an 
action of such importance—for it was fully 
reported in most of the daily newspapers—was 
ever arranged in similar circumstances I do not 
know, although I doubt it. But I have cer¬ 
tainly never seen a spectacle more solemn and 
pathetic than that of these two earnest and 
horizontal men vertically discussing, across the 
end of the bedstead, the possible methods of 
legal procedure. 

Nor was either to blame for the iniquitous 
judgments, into the details of which I do not 
propose to enter, but which had the effect, as I 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 161 

have already stated, of seriously impoverishing 
my poor father. For from the outset Mr. 
Balfour Whey, although sharing to the full in 
my father’s indignation, was explicit as to the 
difficulty that would certainly accrue in trans¬ 
lating this into a legal victory. Indeed the only 
vehicle under which proceedings could possibly 
be instituted was the original and extremely 
crude Employers’ Liability Act, 1 and this upon 
the doubtful assumption of the applicability of 
Sub-section (i) of Section i, and subject to the 
further acceptance of the Carkeek lectern as a 
portion of the plant of St. James-the-Least-of- 
All. Under this earlier Act, too, the status of 
the vicar as employer and that of his sidesmen 
as employes was far less substantiable in law 
that it would have been under the Workmen’s 
Compensation Act; and deeply as I have 
always regretted, on general grounds, the in¬ 
clusion of this latter measure in our legal 
machinery, I have equally deplored that it was 
not then available to assist my poor father in 
his heroic crusade. 

From the beginning, therefore, it was an 
unequal contest, with the dice of evasion loaded 
against my father, and all the forces of idolatry, 
spite, and ambition arrayed to defeat the 
course of justice. Thus, despite the arguments 

1 43 and 44 Vic. cap 42 (1880). 


M 


162 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


—and I have never listened to longer or more 
powerful ones—of the celebrated counsel that 
my father employed; despite the photographs— 
and I have never seen any more heart-rending— 
of the contused areas of my father’s person; 
and despite the irrepressible applause from 
Simeon and myself that greeted his every reply 
in the witness-box, the case was not only 
decided against him with costs, on a series of 
the most palpable legal quibbles, but an appeal 
to a higher court met with a similarly scandalous 
and financially devastating result. Obviously 
primed, too, by the Carkeeks—although our 
detectives were unable to prove this—the verdict 
in each case became the subject of a malicious 
article in the Camberwell Observer, my father 
once more having to bear the total costs of the 
prosecutions that immediately ensued. 

Nor did a printed appeal to the congregation 
of St. James-the-Least-of-All bring my poor 
father more than eight shillings, although the 
cost of its printing and subsequent postage had 
amounted to no less than three pounds. More¬ 
over—and even now the pen shakes in my 
hand as I force it to write the shameful words— 
not only was the lectern retained in the church 
(where it may probably be seen at this moment), 
but within less than a year Cosmo and Corkran 
Carkeek were the sons of the vicar’s church- 


163 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

warden. It was perhaps the bitterest stab of 
the whole squalid conspiracy. But my father 
was then too enfeebled for active resistance. 

“ Let it be enough/' he wrote to Alexander 
Carkeek, “ until at a Greater Bar you shall stand 
condemned, that you know, and I know, and 
so does your vicar, that you have committed 
simony in your heart." 

So ended an episode with which I have dealt 
thus fully—at what a cost can well be imagined— 
partly because, as I have said, the contemporary 
newspaper accounts of it were either misleading 
or deliberately spiteful, but chiefly because it 
was the means adopted by Providence of uniting 
us still more closely with the Stools. That this 
was an end possible of achievement otherwise, 
I have never disguised my private opinion. 
But since it was to lead to my own ultimate 
matrimony, I have always considered it best 
to suspend judgment; and I cannot but feel 
convinced that my readers will share the relief 
with which I now begin to approach this distant 
event. 

For it was still distant. Let there be no 
mistake about that. And in the particular 
form in which it was about to be adumbrated, 
I ought not to conceal, perhaps, that for several 
years I found it extremely distasteful. Never¬ 
theless it came about, and even when Ezekiel 


164 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


first suggested it, deeply repugnant though the 
idea seemed to me, I could not help recognizing 
and suitably acknowledging the generosity with 
which it had been put forward. 

“ Dear Augustus/' he said, “ each of my 
sisters will receive an equal portion of my 
father's estate, and if it would be any help to 
you, I should be only too glad to give you 
one of them in marriage." 

This was on the Sunday evening, I remember, 
the sixth after we had lost our action against 
the Camberwell Observer , and the seventeenth 
after my father had been mulcted in costs by 
the infamous judgment of the Court of Appeal— 
upon which we had decided, after careful 
investigation, to transfer our worship to St. 
Nicholas, Newington Butts. A quiet edifice, 
devoid of a lectern, yet within a few yards of 
the tram-lines, it had seemed to us both, 
although it had various drawbacks, as suitable 
a receptacle as we should be likely to find for 
the very modified degree of worship of which 
my father now remained capable. 

“ After what has happened," he said, “ it 
is of course a subject in which I can scarcely 
be expected to take much further interest. 
But the church appears clean and its clergy 
seem obliging, if not particularly intelligent." 

Making it quite clear, therefore, that he would 




165 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

be entirely unable to accept any position of 
responsibility, and that his attendances, even as 
an ordinary worshipper, would almost certainly 
be precarious, my father had added his name to 
its list of clients, to which I had been very 
happy to subscribe my own. This we had done 
verbally, at the close of the morning service, 
to the obvious satisfaction of the vicar and his 
curate, Ezekiel having been absent, as his 
sisters had informed me, owing to a mild 
attack of gastro-enteritis. At the evening ser¬ 
vice, however, he was present as usual, and it 
was upon our way home together after its 
close that I told him of the decision to which 
my father and I had come, and of which we had 
already apprised the clergy. Transported with 
delight, he shook me by the hand, the hairs 
upon his face sparkling with happy tears, and 
I shall never forget the emotion with which he 
expressed his hope that this would complete the 
intimacy between us. 

“ Drawn together/' he said, “ in the A.D.S.U. 
and by your memorable salvation of me on the 
fifth of November, and further united in the 
misfortunes that have befallen the fathers of 
us both, surely this must be the link that 
shall finally unite us in a firm and irrevocable 
friendship." 

Deeply moved, I was unable to reply for a 


166 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


moment. But presently, in a response of some 
duration, I contrived to signify my general 
agreement with the aspirations that he had 
enunciated. He then invited me to share a 
second evening meal with himself, his mother 
and his five sisters, and it was during the 
progress of this that I first became aware of a 
new development of his character. Hitherto, 
as I have said, of an extremely gentle and even 
yielding disposition, he had now assumed, with 
a dignity and completeness that both surprised 
and delighted me, not only the headship of the 
table but the full direction of the household. 
Thus when Faith ventured upon a remark that, 
on a week-day, might have been considered 
humorous, he at once reminded her that it was 
the Sabbath and gently but firmly demanded 
an apology; while a look from his eye was 
sufficient to quell Hope who inadvertently 
“ hiccuped ” during the pronouncement of grace. 
I was glad to observe, too, that these facially 
unattractive girls all remained seated until he 
had indicated that they might rise, and that 
together with their mother they instantly left 
the room when he inclined his head toward 
the door. 

So effective, indeed, was his assumption of his 
father’s duties that I could not refrain from 
congratulating him, and it was during the 


167 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

conversation that naturally followed that he 
supplied me with details of the family finances. 
Thus I learned from him that, prior to his 
admission to the Home of Rest in which he 
was now detained, his father had been per¬ 
suaded by his legal advisers to retire from the 
management of the Adult Gripe Water; and 
that the right to manufacture this, together 
with the existing plant, had then been sold to 
a limited company. As the sole proprietor, 
Mr. Abraham Stool had received a considerable 
sum of money, half of this having been paid 
to him in cash and the remainder in shares of 
the new company. The cash had then been 
invested, upon his solicitor's advice, in colonial 
and Government securities, and a will drawn 
up of which Ezekiel was kind enough to give 
me the exact particulars. Then he paused for 
a moment, and it was then, leaning towards 
me with the utmost affection, that he uttered 
the words of which, as I have already recorded, 
I could not but recognize the good feeling. 

“ And so you see, dear Augustus, each of my 
sisters will receive an equal portion of my 
father's estate, and if it would be any help to 
you, I should be only too glad to give you one 
of them in marriage." 

Admirably meant, however, as was this offer, 
and obviously one of considerable value, few 


168 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


could have blamed me, I think, for the instinctive 
shudder with which I was obliged at first to 
postpone an answer. Nor was he one of them. 

“ In fact I never supposed/' he said, “ that 
you could immediately bring yourself to accept. 
And I fully appreciate that, had I been in your 
position, my gesture of repulsion would have 
been equally violent. But at tho same time I 
thought it might be useful to you to know that 
they would be there to fall back upon." 

I stared at him. 

“ To fall back upon ? " I asked. 

Colouring deeply, he held out his hand. 

“ I was speaking metaphorically," he said. 
“ I beg your pardon." 

“ Conceded," I replied. “ But it was an 
unpleasant idea." 

“ And an ill-chosen phrase," he said. “ All 
that I meant was that they would be there 
for you to select from." 

“ Do you mean all of them ? " I asked. 

He signified his assent. 

“ Subject to the Great Reaper," he said, 
“ I think that I can promise that." 

Then for five minutes we sat in silence, and 
then, extending my hand to him, I rose to 
my feet. 

“ Ezekiel," I said, “ I am not unobliged to 
you, and although I could never view such a 



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169 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

marriage with enthusiasm, yet I can conceive 
circumstances in which, as a last resort, it 
might be my duty to consider it.” 

“ Precisely,” he said, “ and it is for such a 
contingency that I shall be only too glad, as 
I have said, to reserve them.” 

Then we parted, Ezekiel, as he afterwards 
told me, to the happy contemplation of our 
closer friendship, and myself, as I walked home, 
to the sombre consideration of the possibilities 
with which I had been presented. I had 
scarcely been so occupied, however, for ten 
minutes when I suddenly became aware of the 
odour of alcohol, and to my infinite horror 
found myself being embraced by the show-room 
manager from Paternoster Row. 

“ Why, ShAugustus,” he said. “ Fansheen 
you.” 

Involuntarily I recoiled from him, but he 
came after me. 

“ Fansheen you,” he repeated. “Hahu? ” 

And having kissed me, he sat down on the 
pavement. 


CHAPTER XIV 


Person and character of Mr. Archibald Maidstone. Irreverent 
attitude towards the firm’s publications. Would-be 
laxity of two constables. Their tardy performance of 
an obvious duty. Deplorable condition of my Sunday 
trousers. Their effect on Miss Botterill and Mr. Chry¬ 
sostom Lorton. The arrival and influence of the Reverend 
Eugene Cake. Mr. Maidstone is dismissed and I succeed 
him. Complete discomfiture of his three elder children. 

I have said that he sat down, and even had 
that been all, it would have been a sufficiently 
unpleasant encounter, although, as I had in¬ 
stantly seen, it ought certainly to issue in my 
own immediate commercial advancement. But 
he did more, for so firmly did he grip my arm 
that I was compelled to sit down beside him, 
with what reluctance will be the better imagined 
when I have briefly described his person and 
character. By name Archibald Maidstone, he 
was a tall, gaunt man with high cheek-bones 
and a grey moustache, and in his earlier life he 
had held some sort of position in the British 
mercantile marine. An accident at sea, how¬ 
ever, had deprived him of one of his eyes as 
well as of the two middle fingers of his left 
hand, and for some time he had been the pro- 


171 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

prietor of a small and unsuccessful marine store. 
He had then become a commercial traveller for 
a firm of grocers that had subsequently failed, 
and had finally, at the age of forty-one, obtained 
a minor position in the business of Mr. Chry¬ 
sostom Lorton. 

A married man with several children, he had 
afterwards been appointed show-room manager, 
and it was as his assistant, as I have already 
said, that I had entered Mr. Lorton’s employ¬ 
ment. From the outset, however, although I 
had endeavoured to conceal this, I had both 
disliked and distrusted him, and in spite of 
what I presumed to be a species of nautical 
humour, I had found his attitude towards me 
peculiarly offensive. I had never been accus¬ 
tomed, for example, as I had been obliged to 
point out to him, to be addressed as ‘ young- 
feller-me-lad/ or ‘ the bosun’s mate/ and I 
had even been compelled to report him to 
Mr. Lorton in order to secure more respectful 
treatment. I had been deeply concerned, too, 
to observe the levity with which, in the absence 
of customers, he would handle and describe 
the sacred publications of which it was his 
privilege to be the salesman. 4 Bilge-water 
for the Bairns/ for instance, was a frequent 
expression of his for our well-known series of 
Talks with the Infants , and I had even heard 


172 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


him refer to a parcel of Claudies Temptations as 
“ another half-hundredweight of the Prigs' Para¬ 
dise." Indeed, on one occasion, ignorant of the 
presence of the author—the celebrated Non¬ 
conformist, the Reverend Eugene Cake—he had 
tossed me a window-copy of Without are Dogs , 
saying that, if they were 4 wise bow-wows,' 
they would stay there; and it was only after 
a second interview with Mr. Chrysostom Lorton, 
the tearful intervention of Mrs. Maidstone, and 
a complete apology to the Reverend Cake, that 
he was allowed to retain his position. 

But for the fact, indeed, that his children 
were still at school and dependent upon his 
earnings, and that his wife, who seemed inex¬ 
plicably attached to him, had been an invalid 
for some years, he would most certainly have 
been dismissed, and I had always felt that this 
should have been done. Nor was I alone in 
this, for when I ventured to congratulate him 
on the successful sale of Without are Dogs, the 
Reverend Cake had entirely agreed with me in 
deploring Mr. Maidstone's retention in the 
business. 

Such then was the man by whose side I was 
now sitting upon the damp pavement, and from 
whom I only detached myself after a prolonged 
struggle, just as a member of the police force 
came in sight. This was a stalwart constable 


173 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

of somewhat coarse appearance to whom I 
immediately made myself known, and to whose 
attention I then brought Mr. Maidstone, who 
was still seated upon the pavement. 

“ Ha, I see/’ he said, “a bit sideways. Do 
you happen to know where the gentleman 
lives? " 

“ I don't know the street," I said, “ nor can 
I accept your assumption that such a degenerate 
can be called a gentleman. But I understand 
that his home is in Greenwich." 

“ Num shixteen," said Mr. Maidstone. 

The constable bent over him, and raised him 
to his feet. 

“ Now, come along," he said. “ Pull yourself 
together." 

Mr. Maidstone swayed for a moment and then 
saluted us. 

“ Happit meetu," he said. “ Num shixteen." 

“ Sixteen what ? " said the constable. 

“ Manshtroad," said Mr. Maidstone. “ Shix¬ 
teen Manshtroad, Grinsh." 

Then he toppled forward into the constable's 
arms, but recovered himself and smiled at us 
affectionately. 

The constable turned to me. 

“ Well, if I was you, sir, I'd put him in a 
cab and take him home." 

I stared at him in utter amazement. 


174 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ But do you mean to say/' I inquired, “ that 
you aren’t going to take him in charge ? 

“ Oh, no need, sir,” he said, “ seeing as you 
know the gentleman—not if you’ll put him into 
a cab and take him home.” 

“ But, my good man,” I said, “ how can I do 
that? It’s a quarter past ten, and I’m going 
home to bed.” 

“ Well, we can’t leave him here,” said the 
constable, “ or he’ll be getting into trouble. 
What about givin’ ’im a ’and to your own 
’ouse, sir? ” 

“ To my own house? ” I cried. “ A person 
in that condition ? ” 

The constable pushed his helmet back and 
scratched his forehead. 

“ Well, it’d be doin’ ’im a good turn, sir,” 
he said, “ seein’ as ’ow the gentleman’s a friend 
of yours.” 

“ On the contrary,” I said, “ he’s neither a 
friend of mine, nor do I propose to condone 
his infamy.” 

Here Mr. Maidstone caught hold of the 
constable. 

“ Shinfamous thing,” he said. “ Carncon- 
donit.” 

Then he sat down again and began to sing a 
hymn, just as a second constable came round the 
corner; and after conferring for a moment, 


175 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

they approached me once more with the sug¬ 
gestion that they should conduct Mr. Maidstone 
to Angela Gardens. 

“You see, sir/' they said, “ we don't want to 
make no trouble, and maybe some day you’ll 
want a 'and yourself." 

For a moment, so casually were the words 
spoken, I scarcely realized their astounding 
import. But when I did so, it was, of course, 
instantly clear to me that I must define my 
position once and for all. Drawing myself up, 
therefore, I addressed the two constables with 
all the firmness of which I was capable. 

“ You have chosen to be insolent," I said, 
“ and for that you may rest assured I shall 
report you to your superiors at my earliest 
convenience. But I must have you understand, 
now r and for ever, and beyond all possibility of 
future cavil, that I entirely and absolutely 
refuse to associate myself with any evasion of 
the law of this land. This person, whose name 
is Archibald Maidstone, who is employed by 
Mr. Chrysostom Lorton of Paternoster Row, 
and whose home, if I have interpreted him 
rightly, is in Manchester Road, Greenwich, is 
not only drunk but, as his actions have pro¬ 
claimed him, is also disorderly in every sense. 
As a Xtian gentleman, therefore, no less than as 
a citizen, whose trousers have been soiled by 


176 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


his agency, I demand you that you shall do 
your duty by removing him to the appropriate 
place of detention. And I would further have 
you note that I am aware of both your numbers 
and shall certainly inform myself of your 
procedure.” 

“ Hear, hear,” said Mr. Maidstone, “ more. 
Thashway talk to 'em. Manshtroad, Grinsh.” 

Then the constables conferred again, and 
stooping over Mr. Maidstone, lifted him once 
more from the pavement. 

“ Very good, sir,” they said, “ if you can't 
see your way to look after him, we shall have to 
take him to the station.” 

I bowed to them coldly. 

“ Since that was so plainly your duty,” I said, 
“ I can only regret your tardy perception of it.” 

It will thus be seen that, harassed as I was by 
the problem provided for me by Ezekiel Stool, 
I was now confronted with the much more 
immediate one of purging Mr. Lorton’s business 
of Mr. Archibald Maidstone. For to me at 
any rate it was imperatively clear that such a 
person could not possibly remain in it without 
imperilling the whole of the spiritual prestige 
that was perhaps its most lucrative asset. At 
the same time, however, as I also saw, the 
preliminaries to expulsion would require very 
careful handling, owing to the choleric temper, 


177 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

the extreme vanity, and the peculiar limitations 
of Mr. Chrysostom himself. 

After what can well be imagined, therefore, 
was a restless night, and not without the pro- 
foundest consideration, I decided upon the seat 
of my Sunday trousers as the best introduction 
to the subject in hand; and it was with this 
in view that I refrained from dusting or drying 
them and carried them to the city with me 
the next morning. 

Nor was I disappointed. For not only did 
Miss Botterill, my female inferior, visibly recoil 
from them, but they instantly caught the eye 
of Mr. Chrysostom Lorton as he crossed the 
show-room on the way to his office. Indeed, 
disposed as they were, with the seat upper¬ 
most, upon one corner of the right-hand counter, 
it would have been difficult for even the most 
preoccupied to have passed them without notice, 
and especially as the moisture that had been 
transferred to them from the pavement was now 
being illuminated by the morning sun. Nor 
was the effect of them upon Mr. Chrysostom 
Lorton less than it had been upon Miss Botterill. 
Starting back, almost as if he had been lassoed, 
he stood for a moment staring at them with 
dilated pupils, and then very softly he approached 
them on tip-toe with the point of his umbrella 
extended before him. 

N 


178 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ Good God,” he said, “ whose are those ? ” 

With an appropriate gesture I signified their 
ownership. He turned to Miss Botterill. 

“ Fetch me a chair,” he said. 

She pushed one towards him with averted 
eyes. He fell back into it and waved his 
hand. 

“ Take them away,” he said. “ Put them 
somewhere else.” 

I removed them from the counter and placed 
them underneath it. 

“ Where's Mr. Maidstone? ” he said. 

I replied that he had not come. 

“ I imagine,” I said, “ that he has been 
detained.” 

“ Detained? ” he cried. “ Why should he be 
detained? What should have detained him? 
It's ten past nine.” 

“ Even so,” I replied. 

“ Then kindly inform me,” he went on, “ why 
you have taken advantage of his absence.” 

I looked at him gravely. 

“ I am not aware,” I said, “ of having done 
any such thing.” 

“ Not aware? ” he said. “ Not aware, sir? 
Where's Miss Botterill? Put this chair back.” 

He rose to his feet and stood glaring at me, 
still pointing his umbrella at the counter. 

“ Then do you mean to tell me,” he said, 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 179 

“ that if Mr. Maidstone had been present, your 
disgusting wearing apparel would still have 
been there ? " 

I bowed my head. 

“ I cannot say/' I replied. “ But it was to 
call his attention to them that I had placed 
them on the counter/' 

He lowered his umbrella. 

'‘To call his attention to them? But what 
has Mr. Maidstone to do with your trousers? " 

“ In this particular case," I said, “ a very 
great deal, since he was solely responsible for 
their condition." 

He opened his mouth. 

“ Mr. Maidstone? " he gasped. 

“ Mr. Archibald Maidstone," I said, “ your 
show-room manager." 

“ But good God," he said, “ you don't mean 
to tell me that he's in the habit of borrowing 
your trousers ? " 

“ Unfortunately," I replied, “ that was not 
necessary. I was myself occupying them on the 
occasion in question." 

“ But I don't understand," he said. “ Where's 
Miss Botterill? Bring me that chair back. I 
want to sit down." 

She brought back the chair, and just as she 
did so, the street door opened to admit a new¬ 
comer—none other, indeed, than the Reverend 


180 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

Eugene Cake, bearing the type-script of his 
new novel. 1 

It was an important entrance. But Mr. 
Chrysostom still sat staring at the counter, 
and having greeted Mr. Cake rather perfunc¬ 
torily, demanded a further inspection of the 
trousers. Once again therefore I placed them 
upon the counter, and once again Miss Botterill 
recoiled, the Reverend Eugene Cake recoiling 
also and dropping the type-script of his novel. 

“ Now,” said Mr. Chrysostom, “ you have 
already informed me that you were encased in 
these nauseating garments, and you have further 
asserted that Mr. Maidstone was solely respon¬ 
sible for their present condition. Mr. Maid¬ 
stone, you tell me, is probably detained 
somewhere, and it is now a quarter past nine. 
I may be unintelligent. I may be obtuse. I 
may be unfit to conduct this business. But I 
don't understand it, sir. I don't understand it. 
Where's Miss Botterill ? Get Mr. Cake a chair.” 

With her hand over her face, Miss Botterill 
ran across the show-room and returned with a 
chair for Mr. Cake. Mr. Chrysostom glanced at 
him. 

“ Are you comfortable, Cake? ” 

The Reverend Eugene bowed a little stiffly. 

“ Very well, then,” said Mr. Chrysostom. 

1 Gnashers of Teeth. 


181 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Very well, I repeat. And now you must 
explain, sir. You must explain. I don’t want 
to pre-judge you. I never pre-judge anybody. 
But I don’t like it, sir. I don’t like it. And 
you must allow me to remind you that this is 
not the first time that you have obliged me to 
discuss your trousers.” 

“ Sir,” I replied, “ I am deeply aware of it, 
and none can regret it more than myself, nor 
the painful circumstances that you have, I 
think justly, now compelled me to disclose.” 

I then very briefly, but with all essential 
details, described my encounter with Mr. Maid¬ 
stone, concluding with the numbers of the two 
constables and a surmise that he was being 
detained to see the magistrate. 

When I had finished, Mr. Chrysostom was 
breathing heavily, while Mr. Cake was engaged 
in silent prayer. Then they both rose and 
stood with their backs to the trousers while 
Mr. Chrysostom gave his orders. 

“ Miss Botterill,” he said, “ when Mr. Maid¬ 
stone arrives, you will please request him to 
come to my room. Mr. Carp, having removed 
your trousers, you will kindly take charge of 
the show-room.” 

Colouring deeply, Mr. Cake touched him on 
the arm. “ I suppose you refer,” he said, “ to 
the trousers on the counter.” 


182 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ Eh, what? ” said Mr. Chrysostom. “ Yes, 
yes, of course. The trousers on the counter. 
You didn't suppose-? ” 

“ I endeavoured not to,” said Mr. Cake. 
“ But perhaps it would have been better to be 
more explicit.” 

Slightly ruffled, however, as was the eminent 
novelist by the occasion and manner of his 
reception, he was completely emphatic, as he 
afterwards assured me, on the necessity for 
dismissing Mr. Maidstone; and indeed Mr. 
Chrysostom, as he also informed me, had 
needed very little in the way of persuasion. 

“ In fact, I think I may say,” he said, a 
couple of hours later, as he passed through the 
show-room on his way to the street, “ that 
Gnashers of Teeth will find a good friend in Mr. 
Maidstone's successor.” 

I clasped his hand. 

“ I sincerely hope so,” I said. 

“ It's even more powerful,” he said, “ than 
Without are Dogs.” 

It was in this fashion then that I became 
show-room manager with an added, though 
insufficient emolument, for Mr. Maidstone, when 
he arrived the next morning, was at once dis¬ 
missed after a brief interview. Explaining at 
first that he had failed to attend owing to a 
very violent bilious headache, he was of course 



183 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

unable, when pressed by Mr. Chrysostom, to 
deny the truth of my allegations; and it 
subsequently emerged that, after a night in the 
police station, he had been fined ten shillings 
by the local magistrate. Nor did his resent¬ 
ment, when he came downstairs again, assume 
the physical character that I had feared, 
although I had taken the precaution of keeping 
Miss Botterill beside me and holding my police 
whistle in my left hand. On the contrary, he 
seemed to recognize not only the grossness of 
his delinquency, but the inevitable nature of 
the consequences that had $o rightly ensued. 

“ Well, you've done me in, laddie," he said. 
“ But I suppose I deserved it." 

“ I regret to say," I replied, “ that there can 
be no doubt of it." 

“ But it's going to be hard," he added, “ on 
the wife and family." 

“ The wages of sin," I said, “ are never 
easy." 

Then Miss Botterill sniffed and pulled out her 
handkerchief, and Mr. Maidstone closed the 
street door, and but for a diverting sequel upon 
the following Friday, the incident closed very 
satisfactorily. Upon that morning, however, 
Mr. Maidstone's three elder children, a girl 
and two boys, all apparently under fourteen, 
entered the show-room and peremptorily de- 


184 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


manded to be taken upstairs to Mr. Chrysostom 
Lorton. By names, Polly, Arthur, and George, 
they had come to apply for their father’s 
reinstatement, chiefly, as they alleged, on account 
of their mother, whom they described as suffer¬ 
ing from pulmonary consumption. Needless to 
say, much to their obvious discomfiture, Mr. 
Chrysostom refused to see them, and after a 
brief consultation, they filed out again very 
much more humbly than they had come in. 
Unpleasant children, it was an amusing episode, 
and I could not help laughing somewhat heartily, 
although Polly, who appeared to be the eldest, 
made a grimace at me as she went out. 


CHAPTER XV 


Happy years. A typical day. Simeon Whey is at last 
ordained. His first sermon at St. Sepulchre’s, Balham. 
Intensive campaign of the A.D.S.U. I meet Miss Moon¬ 
beam and call her Mary. Affecting appeal not to leave 
her in darkness. I promise not to do so. A face to 
lean on. Will I come again ? Adventure on the stage 
of the Empresses Theatre. 

I have said that this incident ended satisfac¬ 
torily, but, as I shall very shortly have to demon¬ 
strate, it was subsequently to become associated 
with what I have always regarded as the most 
tragic event of my career—an event so anni¬ 
hilating in its ultimate consequences, and so 
misunderstood in its immediate details, that 
few less proven and resilient characters could 
have emerged from it unimpaired. Nor could 
my physique, I think, have stood the strain 
but for the four or five years that now inter¬ 
vened, during which I was enabled, in a life of 
comparative calm, to add very considerably 
to my bodily weight. Indeed in many respects, 
uneventful as they were, these were amongst 
the happiest years of my earlier manhood, 
and I cannot do better, perhaps, than describe 

185 


186 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

for the benefit of my readers a typical day of 
this period of my life. 

Required, like my father, who was still for¬ 
tunately able to pursue his secular avocations, 
to be present at my place of employment by 
nine o’clock in the morning, my mother would 
call me at a quarter past seven, bringing a cup 
of tea to my bedside. This I would permit 
to cool for three or four minutes while I ate one 
of the biscuits with which it was accompanied; 
and then, sitting up in bed with my dressing- 
gown over my shoulders, I would drink the upper 
half of it before again eating. I w T ould then eat 
the second of my two biscuits, and having drunk 
the remainder of the tea, would ring for my 
mother, who would then bring my hot water 
prior to the removal of the tea-things. 

I was now ready to dress, and pushing down 
the bedclothes, would begin by leaning forward 
and reaching the trousers which, the night before, 
I had hung over the end of the bed, with this 
very purpose in view. Containing my pants, 
to the lower extremities of which my socks 
would be still adherent, I was thus enabled, 
without removing my nightgown, to clothe my 
lower limbs before actually rising; and it was 
only then that I would finally leave the bed and 
cross the room towards the wash-hand stand. 
I would then fill the basin, leaving sufficient 


187 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

hot water for the purposes of subsequent shaving, 
and having locked the door and drawn the blinds 
would remove my nightgown preparatory to 
washing. 

It would now be half-past seven, and if it 
were at all cold, I would don my vest before 
bending over the basin, never failing, however, 
in even the severest weather, to roll up my 
sleeves as far as my elbows. Then having dried 
and put on my shirt, I would shave before putting 
on my shirt-front, always brushing my hair 
before I put on my coat, but not before 
putting on my waistcoat. I would then select 
a clean handkerchief from my top right-hand 
drawer, and having pulled up my trousers a 
little to prevent them from becoming baggy, 
would kneel by my bedside at seven forty-five, 
assuming an erect position again at five minutes 
to eight. I would then pull up the blinds, open 
the windows, fold up my nightgown and put 
it in my nightgown bag, and by eight o’clock 
would be sitting at the harmonium in readiness 
to burst into the morning hymn. 

Thus begun, and breakfast having been 
concluded, the day would next behold me 
inside an omnibus, unless the weather were warm 
enough to permit of my sitting upon the top 
for the purpose of rebuking adjacent smokers; 
and punctually at nine o’clock, I would enter 


188 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


the show-room and divest myself of my hat, 
scarf and overcoat. I would then exchange a 
courteous word or two with Miss Botterill 
and the youth who had succeeded me as show¬ 
room assistant, and immediately apply myself 
to the various duties that as show-room manager 
devolved upon my shoulders. Comprising the 
arrangement of books upon the shelves and 
counters, as well as of an attractive display in 
the street window, these would include, of course, 
my personal attendance upon the more impor¬ 
tant of our retail customers, the booking of 
orders, the checking of the show-room takings, 
and the maintenance of discipline amongst my 
two subordinates. And I had long ago proved 
the necessity, in view of such diverse demands, 
of paying the utmost attention to my physical 
upkeep. 

At eleven o'clock, therefore, I would despatch 
Miss Botterill to a neighbouring branch of the 
Aerated Bread Company for a glass of hot milk 
and a substantial slice of a cake appropriately 
known as lunch cake. I would then, at twelve- 
thirty, repair in person to the same branch of 
this valuable company, where I would generally 
order from one of the quieter waitresses a double 
portion of sausages and mashed potatoes, accom¬ 
panied by a cup of coffee, and followed by an 
apple dumpling or a segment of baked jam roll. 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 189 

This was the more necessary because the hour 
from one to two was usually the busiest of the 
working day, while from two to three, when my 
subordinates lunched in turn, I had of course 
only one of them to assist me. 

By three o’clock, however, they had both 
returned, and I would take the opportunity, 
five minutes later, of again sending Miss Botterill 
to the Aerated Bread Company for my mid¬ 
afternoon cup of tea. This I would drink, 
unthickened by food, but at half-past four I 
would send her out for another cup, and with 
this I would eat a roll and butter, a small dish 
of honey, and perhaps a single doughnut. 
Thus fortified I would then continue at work 
until six o’clock, when the show-room closed, 
and at half-past six I was sitting down at home 
to the chief meal of the evening. Taken some¬ 
what earlier than had been my father’s custom 
in the days of my boyhood and adolescence, 
I had found myself obliged to insist on the altera¬ 
tion in view of the many demands upon my 
evening hours. Most of my active work, for 
example, at the doors of public-houses, required 
an attendance from seven to nine, while few 
of the local prayer-meetings began at a later 
hour than half-past seven or eight. 

Early as was this meal, however, it was none 
the less welcome, consisting as it usually did 


190 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


of a joint and two vegetables followed by a 
wholesome pudding, tea, bread and jam, and 
perhaps a slice or two of home-made cake. 
Then after evening prayers, I would embrace 
my father, who was now always in bed by a 
quarter to nine, and leave the house upon some 
such holy errand as I have described in the 
previous paragraph. I did not fail, however, 
on returning home, to drink a bowl of arrowroot 
and eat some digestive biscuits, and whenever 
possible, in the interests of my health, I would 
retire to my bedroom at ten fifteen. 

Here I would find my windows closed for 
the night, the blinds drawn for the sake of 
decency, a jug of hot water standing in my basin, 
while a hot-water bottle would be within the 
bed. All would be in readiness, therefore, 
for my quick disrobing, a process that I would 
begin as soon as I had locked the door; and 
within five minutes, I would be bending over 
the basin clad as I have described myself some 
fifteen hours earlier. I would then brush my 
teeth, using some mild disinfectant, open my 
nightgown bag and extract my nightgown, 
and having taken off my vest, would slip on 
my nightgown prior to the removal of my lower 
garments. These I would then detach from 
myself with a single downward movement, 
subsequently hanging them over the end of 


191 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

the bed, after which I would put on my dressing- 
gown and bedroom slippers and utter a brief 
but fervent supplication. I would then pull 
up the blinds so that the stars could shine upon 
my bed, swallow a tablespoonful of the Adult 
Gripe Water, unlock the door, extinguish the 
light, and by ten thirty-five be composed for 
slumber. 

Such was a typical day of this period of my 
life, during which, as I have said, I increased 
in weight, and in which, as I am glad to believe, 
my moral stature also expanded and became 
consolidated. This was at any rate the con¬ 
viction of my friend Simeon Whey, who took 
the opportunity of my twenty-sixth birthday 
to describe me in his diary as ‘ now in the 
full flower of his southern metropolitan Xtian 
manhood/ Indeed the whole passage is well 
worth transcribing, written as it was on the eve 
of his ordination, and following a happy hour 
together discussing the price lists of various 
clerical tailors. 

* By a moving coincidence/ he wrote, ‘ the 
eve of my ordination has coincided with the 
twenty-sixth birthday of my old and dear friend 
Augustus Carp of Angela Gardens. And yet 
perhaps old is scarcely the right word, for mature 
as he is, he is now in the full flower of his southern 
metropolitan Xtian manhood. Nor have I 


192 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


ever seen him looking so large as when he came 
to see me at 2.35 to receive the hand-painted 
tooth-brush, with which I had promised to 
present him, and to give me his benediction 
for the morrow. Fully a stone heavier than this 
time last year, his moustache has become 
noticeably more abundant, and his every move¬ 
ment possesses the weight and gravity of a man 
twenty years his senior. Admirable as was his 
diction, too, even as a boy, it has now attained 
a level of sonorous grandeur, from which it 
never lapses in even the most trivial pronounce¬ 
ments imposed upon him by necessary human 
intercourse. Is it surprising, therefore, that 
I daily thank P, 1 for so noble and inspiring an 
example? ' 

Dear Simeon, loyal and appreciative, for 
many a long year hadst thou been trying to get 
ordained, but now thou hadst succeeded, and 
well do I remember thy first sermon at St. 
Sepulchre’s, Balham. Cast thy bread, thou 
preachedst, upon the waters, for thou shalt 
find it after many days—and mark, thou didst 
say, it is not demanded of us to cast our jewels 
or financial securities. No, no, thou saidst, 
it was well recognized that the former would 
sink and the latter become unintelligible, whereas 
bread was nutriment for the fishes of the deep, 

1 Providence. 




imeon 


mu u 


m a 


photajnaj^f] 


m 


mu possession 
















































AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 198 

and in due course would return to our tables. 
Moreover bread was cheap, thou didst say, 
and even the poorest of us was sometimes 
tempted to waste his bread, and for him there 
was a message—kck—in these beautiful words 
to place his bread, as it were, out at interest. 
Let us all then take heed, thou saidst, never to 
waste our bread but to collect it earnestly with 
both hands, and whenever we saw any water, 
yea no matter how little, to cast it upon it in 
faith fearing not. And then it would return 
to us, if not in the form of fish, then in some 
other form which we wotted not of. For what 
was bred in the bone could never be cast down, 
nay, not until seventy times seven. 

Good Simeon, such was thy first sermon, and 
I doubt if thou hast ever preached a better. 

Little as we dreamt it, however, Providence 
was now hurrying towards me with the heaviest 
cross of my adult life, a cross so heavy that even 
now I cannot help shuddering at its weight, 
and one that compelled me not only to retire 
from business but to remove from Camberwell 
to Stoke Newington. Nor was it less bitter in 
that the instrument of deposit was a young 
and exceptionally attractive female, with whom 
I had been brought into contact in the course of 
my work for the Anti-Dramatic and Saltatory 

Union. 

o 


194 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


This was about a year after Simeon’s ordina¬ 
tion and soon after I had inaugurated, in my 
capacity as Vice-President, an intensive cam¬ 
paign of personal exhortation at all the most 
notorious West End theatres. Thus I had 
arranged that there should be posted at the 
stage entrances of all these more popular haunts 
of vice earnest young workers of the male sex 
plentifully provided with the Union’s literature. 
These would then approach the in-coming actors 
and actresses with a few well-chosen words of 
warning, pointing out to them the iniquity of 
their occupation and inviting them to embrace 
some other profession. Having had our evening 
meals, Ezekiel and myself would each then 
visit a group of theatres to encourage our 
representatives and lend them the personal 
aid of our riper experience and more gifted 
oratory. 

This then was the occasion of my being present 
at about half-past seven on a January evening 
at the stage door of the Empresses Theatre, 
where a play called The Peach Girl was about 
to be performed. This was a drama, accom¬ 
panied by music, and frequently interrupted, 
I believe, by amatory dances, which had already 
been presented nearly three hundred times and 
was still attracting enormous audiences. I 
had not myself seen it, but Ezekiel, who had 


195 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

witnessed a considerable portion of it before 
making his protest at its first performance, had 
particularly deplored the abbreviated costumes 
of most of the female dancers. He had made 
an exception, however, in favour of the principal 
actress, by whose singular beauty he had been 
greatly impressed, and in whom he had discerned, 
he thought, in spite of her surroundings, an 
appreciable degree of natural goodness. By 
name Mary Moonbeam, she had been assigned 
the part, it appeared, of a quite simple seller 
of fruit, to whom a naval officer, accompanied 
upon the stage by a large number of female 
midshipmen, had immediately begun, in a 
voluptuous baritone, to address words of 
affection. 

What had happened subsequently Ezekiel did 
not of course know, since he had then made his 
protest and been compelled to leave. But he 
had felt assured, from the sweetness of her 
expression, that she had been more sinned against 
than sinning, and that in other surroundings she 
might easily have developed into an almost ideal 
district visitor. On the other hand, it was 
quite clear, from the letter-press outside the 
theatre, that she was the chief attraction of the 
play, and she had twice refused to discuss her 
future with our young representative at the 
stage door. 


196 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

It was with as open a mind, therefore, as it 
was at all possible for me to possess in respect 
of an actress, that I perceived her alighting 
from an expensive-looking vehicle soon after 
I had reached the stage door. Nor was I at 
first able, owing to the speed of her movements— 
she was ten minutes later, it appeared, than 
usual—and the voluminous furs, in which she 
had ensconced herself, to obtain a clear view 
of her face. In fact, when I first touched her, 
she brushed me aside, and it was only after she 
had glanced at me a second time that she 
stopped for a moment and began to stare 
at me with her exceptionally limpid, hazel 
eyes. 

“ Hullo,” she said, “ you’re not the same 
man.” 

“ I am the Vice-President,” I said, “ of the 
Anti-Dramatic Union.” 

“ And Saltatory,” she said. “ Don’t forget 
the Saltatory part.” 

“ Would that it were possible,” I replied. 
“ But it isn’t.” 

She gave a little sigh. 

“ No, I suppose not,” she said, “ not with all 
us girls earning our living by it.” 

" And hurling others,” I said, “ to their 
deaths.” 

“ Oh, no,” she said, “ not really? ” 


197 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Every night/' I replied, “ in thousands and 
thousands." 

“ Oh, good gracious," she said, “ not every 
night? " 

I nodded gravely. 

“ Every night," I said, “ in thousands and 
thousands and thousands and thousands." 

“ But goodness me," she cried, “ that's more 
than ever." 

“ It's more and more," I said, “ every night." 

“ Well, I never," she said. “ What a fearful 
mortality." 

“ Fearful indeed," I replied, “ and you are 
responsible." 

“ Oh, my aunt," she said, “ how perfectly 
horrible. Can't you come and talk to me after 
the first act ? " 

“ I should be only too glad," I said, “ if you 
would tell me where to come." 

“ Oh, anybody'll tell you," she said. “ Nine- 
fifteen." 

Then she disappeared, and at a quarter past 
nine, when I returned to the theatre after con¬ 
sulting Ezekiel, I was eventually shown into 
a small room, where she appeared to be un¬ 
dressing herself to a marked extent. She waved 
her hand, however, and bade me take a chair, 
assuring me that the worst was already over, 
and introducing me to a woman, whom she 


198 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


described as her dresser, and whose name was 
Mrs. Montgomery. 

“ This is Mr. Carp/' she said, “ the Vice- 
President of the Anti-Dramatic and Saltatory 
Union/' 

Mrs. Montgomery wiped her hands on her 
apron prior to greeting me with great cordiality. 

“ Happy to meet you," she said. “ I've 
read a lot of your tracts, and mark my words, 
there's a lot of truth in 'em." 

“ Yes," said Miss Moonbeam, “ and isn't it 
awful, Bags ? 1 He says we kill thousands of 
people every night." 

“ Well, I shouldn't wonder," said Mrs. Mont¬ 
gomery, “ not for a moment, I shouldn't. 
What with this modern dancing and all. Hold 
your chin up, dearie." 

She was applying some powder to Miss Moon¬ 
beam’s neck, and presently stood back a little, 
eyeing her critically. 

“ Yes," said Miss Moonbeam. “ But oughtn't 
we to do something? It doesn't seem right 
just to let it go on." 

“ Oh, no," I cried. “ Nor it is. Nor it is, 
Miss Moonbeam. Believe me." 

“ I do," she said. “ I do believe you. Get 
out of the light, Bags. I want to look at 
him." 


1 Presumably an abbreviation of Montgomery. 


199 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

For a moment I sat in silence, permitting her 
to feast her eyes. Then she bent forward a 
little, holding out her hands. 

“ Oh, Mr. Carp/' she said, “ Fm only a poor 
actress. Help me to be better. Help me to be 
like you.” 

Withdrawing my gloves and putting them in 
my left-hand pocket, I advanced towards her 
and took hold of her hands. 

“ My dear Miss Moonbeam,” I said. 

But she looked at me rather pathetically. 

“ Oh, Mr. Carp,” she said, “ won’t you call 
me Mary? ” 

I considered for a moment. It was a difficult 
position. For though I could not help feeling 
that she was a little presumptuous, I had to 
remember that this was probably the first 
occasion on which she had met a really good 
man. I therefore decided to grant her petition. 

“ My dear Mary,” I said, “ I shall be only 
too happy.” 

She breathed a sigh and removed her hands. 

“ Oh, how lovely of you,” she said. “ Now 
I must go on dressing.” 

“ But, my dear Mary,” I said, “ is that neces¬ 
sary? ” 

“ Oh, I think so,” she said. “ You see, if 
I didn’t-” 

I waved my hand. 



200 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“I’m afraid you've misunderstood me," I 
said. 

“ Very likely," she said. “ I'm so stupid. 
But you're going to help me, Mr. Carp, aren't 
you? " 

I bowed sympathetically. 

“ Nothing could please me more," I said, 
“ than to lead you out of darkness into the 
membership of our Union. But would it not 
be better to rise up at once—to rise up at once, 
I say, and come away? " 

But she shook her head. 

“ You see, I'm bound by a contract," she 
said, “ and I have to support rather a large 
family." 

Involuntarily I staggered a little. 

“ But, Mary," I cried. 

“ Brothers and sisters," she explained. “ I'm 
paying for their education." 

Profoundly relieved, and not a little touched, 
I regained my equilibrium and invited her to 
confide in me. Her mother was dead, it appeared, 
and her father had been unfortunate and was 
now unable to provide for his children. 

“ And so they batten," I said, “ on your ill- 
gotten earnings." 

She turned and looked at me for a moment 
in silence. Then she smiled again as she put 
on her slippers. 


201 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

" You seem to understand things/' she said, 
" so quickly." 

Then a small boy looked round the door. 

" Curtain's up, miss," he said and disappeared 
again. 

" Oh dear, oh dear," she cried, " how the 
time flies. Can't you come and talk to me after 
the show? " 

I smiled at her not unkindly. 

" By ten-fifteen," I said, " I shall be in my 
bedroom." 

" But what am I to do ? " she said. " I've 
begun to lean on you. You aren't going to 
leave me here wallowing? " 

I stared at her. 

" Wallowing in what ? " I asked. 

" Why, in the darkness," she said, " killing 
all those people." 

I took her hands again. 

" My dear Mary," I said, "it is in order to 
remove you that I am here." 

She gave a little sigh. 

" Oh, I was sure I could trust you," she said. 
" I knew I could trust you, the moment I saw 
you." 

" Yes, it's his face," said Mrs. Montgomery. 
"Isn't it, dearie? It’s one of those faces one 
wants to lean on." 

" Oh yes, yes," she cried, " with all one's 


202 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


weight. Couldn't you bring it round to-morrow 
after the matinee ? And then very likely you'll 
meet some of my friends, and perhaps you'll 
be able to remove us all." 

“ But not before six," I said, “or a quarter 
past." 

“ That'll do nicely," she said. “ There's my 
call." 

Then she ran from the room, just as an electric 
bell began to sound in the corner, and Mrs. 
Montgomery was kind enough to tell me the 
quickest way to leave the theatre. 

Unfortunately, however, she was either inac¬ 
curate, or by some odd chance I failed to under¬ 
stand her, for a moment later I found myself 
on the stage, just as the naval officer was about 
to embrace Miss Moonbeam. By a curious 
coincidence, too, my appearance synchronized 
with the dramatic utterance by Miss Moonbeam 
of the words, ‘ Hush, Reginald, he comes,' 
which added for the moment to my perplexity. 
For while it was possible (and this proved to be 
the case) that the words bore reference to some 
fellow-actor, it was also possible, I thought, 
that she might have been informing him of my 
own presence in the theatre. Nor could I 
be certain from the attitude of the audience, 
as it unanimously rose with roars of applause, 
that my recent efforts to rescue their favourite 


203 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

might not have become known to it and touched 
its heart. I conceived it my duty, therefore, 
without prejudicing my position, to make a 
courteous bow or two before retiring, and I 
took the opportunity of handing the naval 
officer an illustrated copy of Did Wycliffe Waltz ? 


CHAPTER XVI 


Disappointing attitude of Ezekiel. Suggested nuptials of 
Miss Moonbeam. An occasion for tact and postpone¬ 
ment. I am obliged to write a letter. Ezekiel accom¬ 
panies me to the Empresses Theatre. We are a little 
taken back by the numbers to be rescued. An appar¬ 
ently delightful beverage. I address Miss Moonbeam’s 
friends on the subject of temperance. Ezekiel addresses 
them on the evils of the drama. We arrange a meeting. 
Description of meeting. 

Afterwards, as I have suggested, I was to 
discover in Miss Moonbeam an almost incredible 
capacity for evil. But that night, as I emerged 
from the theatre into the anxious arms of 
Ezekiel Stool, I could not help feeling in the 
utmost agreement with him as to her character 
and physical appearance. Indeed so complete 
was my endorsement both of his judgment 
and prevision that I must confess to having 
been a little surprised by his reception of my 
news. 

“ So you’re meeting her again? ” he said. 

“ Yes, to-morrow evening,” I replied, “ when 
I hope to draw closer to her in every way.” 

He stopped abruptly and began to peer at 

204 


205 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

me suspiciously through the dense tangle that 
now covered his face. 

“ How do you mean closer? ” he said. 

I waved my hand. 

“ She has so much to learn,” I said, “ so 
much to understand. She's like a little child, 
Ezekiel, just as you supposed—a female child 
that has never been properly taught.” 

“ Yes, very likely,” he said. “ But why 
shouldn't I teach her myself ? I'm the President 
of the Union after all.” 

“ But, my dear Ezekiel,” I said, “ undoubted 
as are your gifts both as organizer and financer 
of our movement, do you really consider that 
you have quite the personality for such intimate 
soul-work as Miss Moonbeam requires? ” 

“ Absolutely,” said Ezekiel. 

“ Then I can only say,” I replied, “ that I 
fail to agree with you.” 

It was an awkward moment, and it was not 
until the third attempt that Ezekiel succeeded 
in making himself intelligible. 

“ And so you mean to imply,” he said, “ that 
for the purposes of approaching Miss Moon¬ 
beam, your personality is superior to mine? ” 

I touched his arm, not without affection. 

“ Or shall we rather say,” I replied, “ that 
it is more attractive? ” 

“ But I deny it,” he cried. “ I deny it most 


206 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

passionately. I deny it with every fibre of my 
being/' 

I withdrew my glove for a moment from his 
coat-sleeve. 

“ But, my dear Ezekiel/' I said, “ that doesn't 
alter the position." 

“ The position?" he said. “ What posi¬ 
tion ? " 

“ Why, the position," I replied, “ between 
Mary and myself." 

For a moment the silence was almost terrify¬ 
ing. Then he dropped his umbrella, and I put 
my foot upon it. 

“ Between who ? " he said. “ Between who ? " 

“ Between Mary," I repeated, “ and myself." 

“ But do you mean to tell me," he cried, 
“ that as Vice-President—as Vice-President, I 
say, of a Union such as ours-" 

I touched his sleeve again. 

“ Or shall we say an Union, seeing that 
Union begins with a vowel? " 

But he stamped his foot, evidently losing 
self-control. 

“ No, we won't," he screamed. “ We won't 
say an Union. Why should we say an Union 
if we don't want to? We don't say an Youth 
or an Yew-tree," 

“ Simply," I replied, “ because the two latter 
words happen to be inaugurated with a con¬ 
sonant." 



207 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ But I deny it," he shouted. “ I deny it 
most passionately. I deny it with every fibre 
of my being." 

For a moment I stood aghast. Hitherto I 
had been conciliatory. But here was a question 
upon which there could be no compromise. 

“ But, Ezekiel Stool," I said, “ as man to 
man—nay, as Xtian gentleman to Xtian gentle¬ 
man—do you mean to tell me that you are 
prepared to deny that the word Yew-tree begins 
with a Y?" 

“ No, I don't," he said, “ I deny it com¬ 
pletely. I deny it with all the vehemence at 
my command." 

But I held up my hand. 

“ Just a moment," I said. “ This is a matter, 
Ezekiel, upon which I must be absolutely clear. 
Do you mean to deny that the word does begin 
with a Y ? Or do you mean to deny that you 
meant to tell me that you were prepared to 
deny that it did ? " 

“ I deny it all," said Ezekiel. “ I deny the 
whole thing." 

“ But, my dear Ezekiel," I said, “ that is 
impossible." 

“ But how can it be impossible," he said, 
“ if I've just done it ? " 

“ Because the two alternatives," I replied, 
“ are contradictory." 

“ Then I deny them both," he said. “ I 


208 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


deny them utterly. I deny them to the utmost 
limit of my capacity/' 

“ But by denying one,” I said, “ you affirm 
the other, and by denying the other you affirm 
the first.” 

“ Then I deny neither,” he said. “ I deny 
neither of them. I deny neither of them to 
my last breath.” 

“ Then you affirm both? ” I asked. 

“ Absolutely and entirely,” he said, “ to the 
remotest follicle of my manhood.” 

“ But that leaves us,” I said, “ just as we 
were.” 

“ Very likely,” he replied. “ I don't know.” 

“ But I don't understand,” I said. 

" Nor do I,” he said. 

We stood staring at one another in silence. 

“ Then we'd better go back,” I said, “ to 
the original Yew-tree.” 

“ What Yew-tree? ” enquired Ezekiel. 

“ Why, the one you referred to,” I said, “ as 
not requiring an an” 

“ But I've already told you,” he said, “ that 
I deny that.” 

“ But, my dear Ezekiel,” I said, “ you can't 
deny things like that.” 

“ I not only can,” he said, “ but I do.” 

“ But you'll soon be denying,” I cried, “ that 
I'm the Vice-President of the Anti-Dramatic 
and Saltatory Union.” 


209 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ I certainly shall/' he said, “ if you con¬ 
tinue to go about referring to actresses by 
their Xtian names." 

“ But, my dear Ezekiel," I said, “ it was 
entirely at her own request that I referred to 
Miss Moonbeam as Mary." 

He stepped back a pace, obviously shaken. 

“ Do you mean to tell me," he said, “ that 
she asked you to ? " 

“ Most certainly," I replied, “ and if you 
would like to hear them, I can repeat her actual 
words." 

“ Please do," he said. 

“'Oh, Mr. Carp/ " I said, won't you call 
me Mary ?' " 

His face brightened a little. 

“Then she didn't call you Augustus? " he 
said. 

“ She hasn't done so," I answered, “ as yet." 

“ And perhaps she never will," he said, “ never 
will." 

“ I don't quite see," I said, “ why you should 
say that." 

“ Perhaps not," he replied. “ But I do say 
it." 

“ Of course I shouldn't encourage her to," 
I said, “ until she had altered her profession." 

“ And perhaps she won't," he said, “ perhaps 
she won't." 

“ Won't what? " I asked. 


210 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ Alter her profession.” 

“ But don’t you want her to ? ” I cried. 

“ Oh, of course,” he said. “ But they seldom 
do, you know, unless they marry.” 

“ Precisely,” I said, “ unless they marry.” 

He opened his mouth for a moment, but only 
breathed through it. 

“ But you don’t mean to tell me,” he said, 
“ that as Vice-President-? ” 

“ It might be my duty,” I said, “ to sacrifice 
myself.” 

“ So much as that ? ” he said. “ So much as 
that, Augustus? ” 

He covered his eyes for a moment with his 
gloved hands. Then he suddenly remembered 
that he had dropped his umbrella. 

“ It’s here,” I said, “ under my foot.” 

“ Oh, thank you,” he said, “ thank you.” 

Then he held out his hands to me with frank 
contrition. 

“ Oh, my dear friend,” he said, “ forgive me 
for misjudging you. But as your President, I 
could never permit it.” 

“But why not? ” I said, trying to release 
my hands. 

“ Why, because as President,” he cried, “ it 
is clearly the sort of sacrifice that I ought to 
make myself.” 

“ But I don’t see why,” I said, again trying 
to release myself. 



211 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ But don't you see/' he cried, still holding 
my hands, “ how symbolic it would then 
become—the marriage of one of the most 
prominent of our younger ex-actresses with the 
Anti-Dramatic and Saltatory Union ? " 

“ But she wouldn’t be marrying the Union," 
I said. 

“ Not if she married you," he said, “ who are 
merely the Vice-President. But if she married 
me, Augustus, it would be different. It 
would become the sacrifice of the whole 
Union." 

“ But, my dear Ezekiel," I said, “ ought you 
to sacrifice the whole Union without consulting 
all its members ? " 

“ Oh, but I should," he said, “ I certainly 
should, and any that objected I should ask to 
resign." 

I reflected for a moment. Admirable as was 
his character, it was in many respects singu¬ 
larly bigoted, while his intelligence, sometimes 
so brilliant, was at others inferior even to that 
of his sisters. Since the burial of his parents, 
too, a couple of years previously, and the 
consequent augmentation of his own income, I 
had been conscious in him of a rather unex¬ 
pected and somewhat disturbing vein of arro¬ 
gance. I therefore decided, for the present at 
any rate, that the wisest policy was one of 
postponement. 


212 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ But surely in that case,” I said, “ they 
should have an opportunity of seeing her.” 

“ Oh, of course,” he said, “ of course.” 

“ Before they married her, I mean—as an 
Union.” 

“ Oh, certainly,” he said, “ certainly.” 

Then his hair parted for a moment, revealing 
his teeth. 

“ In fact I was just going to suggest,” he 
smiled, “ asking her to one of our meetings.” 

“ I'll certainly do so,” I said. “ Ill ask her 
to-morrow.” 

“ Well both ask her,” he replied. 

“ But you won't be there,” I said. 

“Yes, I shall,” he answered. “ I shall come 
with you.” 

“ But she hasn't invited you,” I said, again 
trying to free my hands. 

“ But, my dear Augustus,” he said, gripping 
them a little tighter, “ surely you don't expect 
me to wait for that ? Does the powerful 
swimmer refrain from plunging until the drown¬ 
ing victim has asked him to do so, or the 
hurrying policeman refuse to cut the rope 
because the would-be suicide has not invited 
it ? Does the fireman hesitate before the 
smouldering nightgown until the female inside 
it has shown him her card? ” 

“ Perhaps not,” I said, stepping a pace 
backwards. 


213 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Certainly not/' he said, following me. 

“ But on the other hand/' I said, stepping 
sideways, “ if a powerful swimmer has already 
plunged, if a hurrying policeman is already 
there, if a soaring fireman has already 
stooped-" 

“ Then that is all the more reason/' he said, 
also stepping sideways, “ why the hero should 
be helped as I mean to help you." 

“ Well, I can't promise," I said, “ that she 
will be willing to receive you." 

“ Not when she knows," he asked, “ that 
I'm the Adult Gripe Water? " 

“ Well, she might," I said. “ I'll do my best, 
of course." 

“ Dear Augustus," he replied, “ I thought you 
would." 

Then he dropped my hands, now seriously 
congested, and stooping down, picked up his 
umbrella. 

“ And I don't want you to feel," he added, 
“ now that I propose to take charge of the 
work, that your share in it has been unappre¬ 
ciated." 

Then we climbed into the omnibus that was 
to take us to Camberwell and sat side by side 
in it in silence, parting as usual, however, with 
a mutual benediction, though I could not con¬ 
ceal from myself that his attitude had dis¬ 
appointed me. For though it would have been 



214 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


inevitable, and indeed desirable, that subse¬ 
quent to redemption Miss Moonbeam should 
have met him, this was scarcely the moment, I 
felt, for the sudden intrusion of a second 
deliverer. Nor were the nuptials that he had 
proposed for her other than profoundly dis¬ 
tasteful to me, though a glance at my mirror 
sufficed to reassure me of their extreme unlikeli¬ 
hood. Nevertheless I deemed it wise before 
retiring to bed to send a brief note to Miss 
Moonbeam, regretting the pertinacity that would 
probably result in my being accompanied by 
Ezekiel, but at the same time indicating that 
he was not to be dismissed as a wholly valueless 
acquaintance. “ Nor must you forget/’ I con¬ 
cluded, “ that he is at least the President of 
the great Union that has brought us together.” 
A difficult letter, it had needed all the tact 
that I had been able to summon to its com¬ 
position, and the clock had struck eleven, I 
remember, before I was able to open my night¬ 
gown bag, preparatory to taking out my 
nightgown. 

I was a little pale, therefore, when I arrived 
at the theatre at six o’clock the next evening, 
and though fully confident of my ability to 
control the situation, I was naturally somewhat 
anxious as to the effect upon Miss Moonbeam 
of a night’s consideration. Had the latent 


215 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

thirst for a higher life, that my person 
had aroused in her the night before, been 
submerged again by wicked companions or 
quickened by my absence? Had she gone to 
sleep dreaming of the footlights or of an Anti- 
Dramatic and Saltatory future ? And how had 
the poor child, reared in sin and ignorance, 
received the letter that I had been obliged to 
write to her ? 

Such were the questions that occupied my 
mind as Ezekiel came hurrying to meet me 
and we walked upstairs to the same room 
in which I had talked with her the night before. 
For the first moment, too, I was a trifle dazzled 
both by the brilliance of its illumination and 
the clamour of conversation that greeted our 
entrance from the large number of persons 
whom we found assembled in it. This died 
down instantly, however, when our names were 
announced, and as we stood framed for a 
moment in the doorway, nothing could have 
been more striking than the effect of our 
presence upon the actors and actresses huddled 
before us. I say huddled because, as so often 
happens when evil-doers are taken by surprise, 
they had unanimously winced and drawn closer 
together, while at least two of them had mur¬ 
mured “ Help ! ” Moreover, it was quite clear 
that some of them had been drinking, since 


216 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


their wine glasses were still in their hands, 
and indeed I was almost certain, to my deep 
consternation, that Miss Moonbeam herself had 
been one of these . 1 Her hands were empty, 
however, when she came forward to greet us, 
and although Ezekiel had abruptly stiffened, I 
could not see my way to refuse the manual 
courtesy, to which she was evidently looking 
forward. 

“ Oh, Mr. Carp/' she said, “ this is indeed 
sweet of you. I was beginning to be afraid 
that you weren't coming." 

“ My dear Miss Moonbeam," I began. 

“ Mary," she said. 

“ My dear Mary," I said, “ I never break my 
word." 

“ No, no, you wouldn't," she said, “ and my 
friends will be so pleased. Let me introduce 
you to them. This is Mr. Augustus Carp." 

I bowed to them gravely. 

“ And you've brought your friend," she 
said. 

“ The President of our Union," I said, “ Mr. 
Ezekiel Stool." 

She held out her hand to him. 

“I'm sure we shall be great friends," she 
said. But he was still staring suspiciously at 
her colleagues. 

1 I am now, alas, convinced of this. 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 217 

“ They've been drinking," he said. “ What 
have they been drinking? " 

“ Oh, nothing much," she said. “ Only my 
health." 

“ Your health? " he repeated. 

“ Yes, it's my birthday," she said. 

“ My dear Miss Mary," I said. “ Let me 
congratulate you." 

“ Yes, yes, yes," said Ezekiel. “ But what's 
the fluid? " 

He tilted his face a little, sniffing the air. 

“ Oh, I see," said Miss Moonbeam. “ How 
stupid of me. Reggie, come forward and show 
them your glass." 

She glanced over her shoulder, and a young 
man, whom I instantly recognized as the naval 
officer, then approached us carrying a wine 
glass filled with a dark, translucent liquid. 

“ It's delightful stuff," he said. “ It is really. 
Won't you taste a little before you begin your 
sermon? " 

But Ezekiel started back, gripping my left 
elbow, while the hair covering his face extended 
itself protectively. 

“ No, no," he cried. “ Augustus, keep close 
to me. I don't like the smell of it. Ask him 
what it's made of." 

I drew myself up a little, facing the naval 
officer, while Ezekiel clung to my elbow. 


218 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ You must pardon us,” I said, “ but in addi¬ 
tion to our connection with the Anti-Dramatic 
and Saltatory Union, we are also officials—and 
in this particular work, I hold a higher position 
than my comrade—we are also officials of the 
Society for the Prevention of the Strong Drink 
Traffic. It is therefore not only important to 
us, since we have been invited to rescue you, 
to learn whether this also is one of your vices, 
but doubly necessary that we ourselves should 
take every possible precaution. You will conse¬ 
quently perceive, I hope, the imperative necessity 
of our assuring ourselves, before we partake of 
it, that the composition of the liquor you have 
proffered us is such as our consciences can 
approve of.” 

“ Oh, Im sure of it,” he said. “ Just smell 
it.” 

“ Personally,” I replied, “ I do not object to 
the smell.” 

“ And the taste,” he added, “ is even 
pleasanter.” 

“ I can quite believe it,” I said. “ But what 
is it made of ? ” 

“ Oh, just fruit,” said Miss Moonbeam. “ It’s 
a sort of fruit squash, you know—a fruit squash, 
made of fruit.” 

Ezekiel advanced a little and put his face 
against it. 


219 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ I prefer the colour/' he said, “ to the smell.” 

“ Yes, isn’t it beautiful?” said the naval 
officer, and several of the other actors said the 
same thing. 

“ But what’s it called? ” said Ezekiel. 

“ Portugalade,” said Miss Moonbeam. 

“ That’s because it comes from Portugal,” 
said the naval officer. 

“ And one gets used to the smell,” said 
Ezekiel. “ But why does one drink it out of 
wine glasses ? ” 

“ Oh, but one needn’t,” said Miss Moonbeam. 
“ One can drink it out of tumblers.” 

“ One just used wine glasses,” said the naval 
officer, “ because one happened to find them 
in the cupboard.” 

I looked at him piercingly. 

“ But surely that seems to indicate,” I said, 
“ that they have been used for other and less 
innocent beverages.” 

He hung his head, and as my glance swept 
his companions, I observed that most of them 
hung theirs also. 

Then he lifted it again, not without a certain 
honesty. 

“ Mr. Carp,” he said, “ it’s no use deceiving 
you. And I’m afraid I must confess that I 
haven’t confined myself to such health-giving 
drinks as this Portugalade.” 


220 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Nor we,” said his companions. “ Nor we.” 

“ But we hope to do better,” said Miss Moon¬ 
beam, “ in the future.” 

“ Then, ladies and gentlemen,” I said, sipping 
the Portugalade, which seemed to me excep¬ 
tionally agreeable, “ I can only implore you— 
and I speak not only for myself but for my 
friend Mr. Stool-” 

“ Of the Adult Gripe Water,” said Ezekiel. 
“ It was invented by my late father.” 

“ You don't say so? ” said the naval officer. 

“Was that what made him late?” asked 
Miss Moonbeam. 

Ezekiel stared at her over the glass of Portu¬ 
galade, which I had handed on to him before 
beginning my speech. 

“ How do you mean late? ” he said. 

“Wasn't that what you said? ” asked Miss 
Moonbeam. 

“Yes, but I meant dead,” said Ezekiel. 
“ He's been dead some time.” 

“ You don't mean it ? ” said the naval officer. 

“ Yes. It's rather nice,” said Ezekiel. 

“ I see,” said Miss Moonbeam. “ You didn't 
get on together? ” 

“ I meant the Portugalade,” said Ezekiel. 

“ —I can only implore you,” I continued, 
“ while there's still time—before the craving for 
stimulants has finally overcome you—to cast 



221 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

them away from you with both hands, to 
crush them under foot, to leave them for ever/' 

I glanced at Ezekiel, who was wiping his 
mouth. 

“ And, ladies and gentlemen/' I said, “ why 
should you hesitate? Have you not here—or 
had you not there, rather—in the very glass 
that my friend has just emptied, a drink as 
genial, as palatable and invigorating as the 
most debauched of you could desire ? " 

“ We have, we have," they cried. 

“ Then, ladies and gentlemen," I said, “ before 
we further address you on the evils of the 
drama, may I not beg of you to make up your 
minds to drink nothing less healthful than this 
in the future ? " 

“ You may, you may," they said. 

I turned to Ezekiel. 

“ Then I'll ask Mr. Stool," I said, “ to 
inaugurate our second appeal." 

I then stood aside while Ezekiel cleared his 
throat preparatory to delivering his usual ora¬ 
tion, and it was during the course of this that 
Miss Moonbeam drew me aside and informed 
me how much she had appreciated my letter. 

“ I thought it was so dear of you," she said, 
“ to let your friend down without seeming to 
want to do anything of the kind." 

“ It was certainly difficult," I said. 


222 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ But you managed it so beautifully/' she 
said. “ How long do you suppose he will go 
on speaking ? " 

“ Twenty minutes/' I said. “ This is his 
half-hour harangue." 

She was looking a little pale, I thought. 
But she smiled bravely. 

“ Well, I suppose we deserve it," she said. 

“ Oh, undoubtedly," I replied, “ and he wants 
you to attend one of our meetings." 

“ What—all of us? " she asked. 

“ You would all be welcome," I said. 

“ And would you be there too? " she asked, 
pressing my hand. 

“ Why, of course," I said, permitting her to 
continue pressing, “ I am the Vice-President." 

“ Yes, I know," she whispered. 

Here Ezekiel paused for a moment and 
glanced at us keenly. But Miss Moonbeam at 
once smiled at him and clapped her hands. 

“ You don't think he's jealous? " she said, 
as he continued. 

“ Jealous of what ? " I asked. 

“ Why, of you and me," she said. 

She was pressing my hand again and en¬ 
deavouring to draw closer to me. 

“ Well, I'm rather afraid," I said, “ that he 
may be." 

“ You see," said Miss Moonbeam, “ if I'm 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 223 

to be rescued by anybody, I should so like it 
to be by you.” 

“ Dear Mary,” I said, “ and so it shall, at 
whatever cost, at whatever sacrifice.” 

“ Dear Augustus,” she said. “ May I call 
you Augustus ? It sounds so ungrateful to say 
Mr. Carp.” 

“ Yes, yes,” I said. “ I can quite understand 
it. But I would rather you suppressed the 
familiarity in public.” 

Then Ezekiel concluded, and after some 
words from myself, a special meeting of the 
Union was arranged, at which all our listeners, 
including Miss Moonbeam, solemnly engaged 
themselves to be present. It was to take place, 
we agreed, on the following Sunday week, at 
the Porter Street Drill Hall in Camberwell, 
and at Miss Moonbeam’s suggestion, Mr. Chry¬ 
sostom Lorton was to be invited to say a few 
words. 

“ I didn’t know you knew him,” I said. 

“ Nor I do,” she replied. “ But as he’s the 
publisher of all these beautiful booklets, I 
thought it would be so nice if he would just 
stoop for a moment to mingle with the sinners 
for whom they are intended.” 

“ A splendid idea,” I said, “ and a most 
intelligent one, and we’ll circularize the churches 
and chapels, and hold the meeting at nine in 


224 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


the evening, when the congregations will be 
able to be present.” 

“ Oh, that'll be capital,” she said. “ I should 
love to see a congregation.” 

“ And Ezekiel and myself,” I said, “ will be 
the chief speakers.” 

She clapped her hands and looked at Ezekiel. 

“ Oh, Mr. Stool,” she cried, “ what a meeting.” 

Ezekiel beamed at her. 

“ Yes, it ought to be worth going to,” he 
said, “ and I shall reserve a chair for you next 
the President.” 

Then she drew me aside again. 

“ And you must have supper with me first,” 
she said, “ just you and me and a few of my 
friends.” 

“ My dear Mary,” I said, “ nothing would 
delight me more.” 

“ I feel a whole new world,” she said, “ open¬ 
ing before me.” 

Upon the following Sunday week, therefore, 
at half-past seven, I stood outside her house in 
Bedford Square, and the next moment I was 
being led upstairs by a modestly dressed 
parlourmaid in a white cap. Clad myself in a 
well-fitting morning coat with a hand-knitted 
waistcoat and a velveteen tie, I found Miss 
Moonbeam with her men and women com¬ 
panions eagerly awaiting me in evening dress. 


225 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

About a dozen in all, they included the naval 
officer and two young men, whom she intro¬ 
duced as her brothers, while there were several 
females who greeted me with deference, but 
whose chests, as I pointed out to them, were 
inadequately covered. They begged my pardon, 
however, with the not unreasonable excuse that 
the standards I had set them were not easily 
reached, and at my urgent request, Miss Moon¬ 
beam provided them with napkins to make good 
the deficiency. This having been attended to, 
we then went downstairs to a capacious dining¬ 
room on the ground floor, where an excellent 
meal was ushered in with some admirably 
prepared chicken soup. 

Followed by fish, partridges and salad, bowls 
of stewed fruit and Devonshire cream, it was 
concluded with a savoury consisting of stuffed 
eggs mounted on triangular pieces of toast, 
and I was gratified to observe that, apart from 
water, the only other beverage was Portugalade. 
It was again, to my annoyance, however, served 
in wine glasses, although Miss Moonbeam im¬ 
mediately apologized, pouring out a tumblerful 
for me with her own hand, just as I was begin¬ 
ning my second partridge. Nor did I find it 
any less agreeable than upon my first acquaint¬ 
ance with it at the theatre, and indeed I had 
seldom experienced such a sense of warmth 


226 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


and comfort as it very quickly began to endow 
me with. Peculiarly attractive to the nostril, 
it was no less grateful to the tongue, while upon 
its downward passage, it lent an extraordinary 
balm to a naturally irritable digestive system. 

Nay, it did more, for as it enriched the blood 
mounting to an always responsive brain, I 
found myself the vehicle of a delightful flow of 
new and most valuable ideas. I say valuable, 
and this was indeed the case, but many of them 
were also outstandingly humorous, and time 
after time I was obliged to call for silence so 
that none of those present might fail to hear 
them. I was glad to perceive, too, that they 
met with an instant response both in laughter 
and rapt attention, and I was soon convinced 
that, beneath the trappings of guilt, there was 
a spark of goodness in most of my listeners. 
Nor had Miss Moonbeam, who kept my tumbler 
filled, ever appeared to me to be so well worth 
saving, and when I accidentally upset my fruit, 
she was solicitude's self as she wiped my 
waistcoat. 

By a second mischance, too, I spilt my coffee, 
which was served at the supper-table just before 
we rose; and on this occasion also she was 
instantly at hand to remove the stains from 
the upper part of my trousers. Then we rose 
for grace, which I proposed should be sung, 


227 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

and into the singing of which I threw my 
whole being; and when I found myself swaying 
a little, owing to the consequent fatigue, both 
she and the naval officer kindly supported me. 
Indeed so acute was the resulting vertigo that 
I was not only obliged for a moment to sit 
down, but I found myself only too glad to rely 
on their aid as we descended the front steps 
to the waiting vehicles. Glad as I was, how¬ 
ever, they both assured me that they were 
gladder even than I was, while the others 
assured us, as we glanced across the pavement, 
that they were gladder even than we were. 
In fact we were all glad, and although I had 
been a little perturbed by the physical dis¬ 
ability to which I have referred, I was soon 
restored by the night air, the motion of the 
vehicle, and the prospects of the meeting. 
Moreover the naval officer had brought with 
him a large bottle of the Portugalade, and a 
further draught of this at once completed, 
and indeed augmented, my sense of well¬ 
being. 

“ Yes, it ought to be grand,” I said, “ a grand 
meeting, the grandest meeting we've ever had,” 
and I remember putting my head out of the 
right-hand window and inviting the passers-by 
to come and join us. 

“ Yes, there's no doubt of it,” I said, “ it'll 


228 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


be a grand meeting, a grand, grand meeting, 
grander and grander/' 

“ As grand as grand," said the naval officer. 

“ Yes, and grander than that," I said, “ ever 
so grand." 

Then I started a hymn just to clear my chest 
again, and finding, to my satisfaction, that it 
was surprisingly supple, I led my companions 
through chorus after chorus of a brisk but 
devotional character. Indeed we were in the 
middle of one when we arrived at the Drill 
Hall, and so intent had I become on the music 
that I unfortunately tripped as I alighted upon 
the pavement and struck my abdomen rather 
violently. Two of Miss Moonbeam's brothers, 
however, who were waiting to receive us, at 
once readjusted me upon my legs, while the 
naval officer came to their assistance in con¬ 
ducting me to my chair upon the platform. 

Nor had I been in error in foreseeing an 
audience that filled the hall to its utmost 
capacity, Miss Moonbeam herself and several of 
her companions being audibly recognized on their 
way to their seats. Many of our members, too, 
in different parts of the hall, were standing 
on their feet, I noticed, to give me a personal 
welcome; and no sooner had I hailed these in 
affectionate terms than others took their places 
to be hailed in turn. So prolonged, in fact, did 
these greetings become, and to such a pitch of 


229 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

heartiness did they climb, that Ezekiel's own 
arrival upon the platform, accompanied by 
Mr. Chrysostom Lorton, was scarcely noticed. 

That was probably the reason, I inferred, 
why his expression was almost less pleasant 
than I had ever known it, and why he obviously 
resented the attentions of Miss Moonbeam's 
brothers, who were still standing, one on each 
side of me. Mr. Chrysostom, too, seemed 
curiously distant, I thought, as I swung round 
and clasped his hand, although I assured him, 
in tones that rang through the hall, of my 
intense delight at his presence. 

“ Simply overwhelmed," I said, “ simply 
overwhelmed, Mr. Chrysostom. Let me intro¬ 
duce you to Miss Moonbeam. Miss Moonbeam, 
Mr. Chrysostom Lorton. Mr. Chrysostom Lor¬ 
ton, Miss Moonbeam." 

Then I turned to the audience with a great 
shout. 

“ Three cheers," I cried, “ for Mr. Chrysostom 
Lorton. Hip—hip-" 

But Ezekiel held up his hand. 

“ I propose to open this meeting," he said, 
“ with prayer." 

For a moment I was staggered. Indeed I 
almost fell down. It was the directest insult I 
had ever received. And it was not only an 
insult to myself, but to Mr. Chrysostom, who 
was deprived of his cheers. 



230 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ Oh, how dare you? " I cried. “ How dare 
you, Ezekiel? Oh, Mr. Chrysostom, how dare 
he ? Hip, hip, I say—Hip, hip/' but the audience 
remained silent and evidently confused. In 
fact the effect upon them of Ezekiel's proposal 
must have been exasperating in the extreme, 
since they had all opened their mouths and 
protruded their upper lips preparatory to cheer¬ 
ing, as I had suggested. They had then been 
obliged, just as they had taken their breaths, 
to retract their upper lips again and close 
their mouths, and were naturally reluctant, in 
spite of my further exhortation, to resume a 
process once frustrated. Nevertheless many of 
them did so, although they failed in its final 
consummation, with the lamentable result that 
they resembled nothing so much as goldfish 
breathing in a bowl. 

“ Goldfish," I cried. “ That's what they are. 
Poor lost goldfish, without a shepherd. Oh, 
Ezekiel, Ezekiel Stool! How could you do 
such a thing as that ? " 

With incredible determination, however, he 
was already on his knees and in the second 
paragraph of his supplication; and it was only 
after I had shaken him several times that he 
sprang to his feet with a sort of yelp. 

“ Oh, Ezekiel," I said, “ what a horrible noise." 

“ Leave me alone," he snarled. “ Can't you 
see I'm busy? " 


231 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Horrible noise/' I said, “ horrible, horrible. 
Isn't it a horrible noise, Mr. Chrysostom? " 

Then I turned to the audience again. 

“ Let's say it all together," I said. “ One, 
two, three, horrible noise. That's better. Now 
let's say it again. One, two-" 

Then I stopped abruptly, for as I advanced 
to the brink of the platform, with Miss Moon¬ 
beam's brothers at my elbows, I suddenly 
became aware of a solitary grey eye regarding 
me objectionably from the front row. Its 
fellow was of glass, and the face that contained 
them, with its high cheek-bones and gaunt 
cheeks, was that of none other than Mr. Archi¬ 
bald Maidstone, the show-room manager whom 
I had succeeded. 

For a moment I could scarcely believe it. 
But hardly had I recovered myself than I found 
myself in his arms, with Miss Moonbeam's 
brothers left upon the platform, each holding a 
moiety of the tail of my coat. 

“ Well, laddie," he said, “ it's your turn 
now." 

I endeavoured to push myself away from 
him. 

“ Take him away," I shouted. “ Take that 
man away. Where's Mr. Chrysostom ? Where's 
Miss Moonbeam ? " 

The tumult in the hall was now indescribable. 
Glasses of water were on every side of me. 



232 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

But I thrust them all aside and shouted to the 
naval officer to bring me the bottle that he had 
placed upon the table. 

“ The bottle/' I cried. “ Bring me the 
bottle. Never mind the glass. Give me the 
bottle." 

But the naval officer, evidently at his request, 
had handed the bottle to Mr. Chrysostom. I 
saw him examine it through his spectacles in 
his usual pompous and deliberate fashion and 
then, with a heightened colour and protuberant 
eyes, exhibit it to Ezekiel and the members of 
the committee. 

“ Disgraceful," he said, “ perfectly disgraceful. 
The fellow's drunk, I say. Just look at that. 
Vintage Port, and he's been drinking it out of a 
tumbler. Perfectly disgraceful. Show me the 
way out." 

I rose to my feet and caught sight of Miss 
Moonbeam's brothers. 

“ Give me that bottle," I cried. “ Give me 
the tails of my coat. Who says I'm drunk? 
Where's the Portugalade ? Take that man 
away. Where's Miss Moonbeam? " 

“ But he's my father," she said. 

I tried to stare at her. But her face kept 
advancing and retreating. 

“ Stand still, woman," I cried. “ But his 
name's Maidstone." 


238 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ So's mine/' she said, “ when Fm not 
acting/' 

I snatched at her wrist, but it proved to be 
my own. 

“ Do you mean to say," I asked, “ that you're 
Mary Maidstone? " 

“ Polly Maidstone," she said. “ Don't you 
remember? The same Polly that made a face 
at you." 

I sank to the floor for a moment, but rose 
on my hands again. 

“ Throw her out," I yelled. “ Throw that 
woman out." 

She looked at Ezekiel. 

“ Hadn't we better take him home?" she 
asked. 

“ But I haven't made my speech," I said, 
“ speech to the meeting." 

Ezekiel stared at me with incredible bitterness. 

“ There isn't a meeting left," he said, “ to 
make a speech to." 

I pointed at the clocks. They were all at half¬ 
past nine. 

“ But we've hardly begun," I said. “ Where's 
the platform ? " 

Mr. Maidstone bent over me- 3 


1 See conclusion of Chapter VIII. 



CHAPTER XVII 


Profound depression subsequent to port-poisoning. An 
iniquitous plot and its consequences. Insubordination 
of Miss Botterill. I retire from the firm of Mr. Chry¬ 
sostom Lorton. A crushing rejoinder and its repetition. 
Second journey to Enfield. Transformation of Mrs. 
Chrysostom’s boudoir. Unexpected repentance of Mrs. 
Chrysostom. Unfortunate results of this for myself. 
Fruitless termination of interview. 

Such was the cross that had suddenly been 
imposed upon me—a cross so gigantic and of 
such a character that only the most prolonged 
and assiduous training could have enabled me 
to bear it. Indeed, for some little time it seemed 
only too likely that it would prove too crushing 
even for me; and had not Nature intervened 
with a period of merciful unconsciousness, 
this would almost certainly have been the case. 
Fortunately I arrived home, however, as my 
father has assured me, in a deep though ster¬ 
torous slumber, and did not awake until nearly 
eleven o'clock on the following Monday morning. 
There was thus accorded me an opportunity 
for the recuperation of those vital reserves 
that would even then, as I slowly began to 
234 


235 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

realize, be desperately hard put to it to give 
me adequate support. 

I say slowly because, when I first woke, 
my physical nausea was so great that I was 
totally unable to form a clear judgment upon 
the events of the previous evening. Nor was 
my mother, never a fluent speaker, more com¬ 
municative than usual. I had been brought 
home, she said, by two young gentlemen, whose 
names she did not know, and a doctor had been 
called in, at my father's request, who had made 
a diagnosis with which my father disagreed. 
Indeed my father, I gathered, had been con¬ 
siderably upset, and had spent a restless night 
in consequence, and my mother had been obliged 
on three separate occasions to prepare him a 
cup of malted milk. She then awaited my orders 
for breakfast. But this was a meal that I was 
compelled to omit. And it was only after she 
had left me that my memory began to recover 
itself and to lay its sombre offerings at the feet 
of my judgment. Then I rang the bell again 
and enquired of my mother the exact terms of 
the doctor’s diagnosis. But she shook her head 
and referred me to my father, who would be able 
to tell me, she said, when he returned from 
business. 

“ Not that it much matters,” she added, “ for 
you’d be sure to disagree with it.” 


236 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ I certainly should/' I replied, “ and I 
certainly shall. I was poisoned—deliberately 
poisoned—by the wicked woman with whom 
I had my supper." 

“ An actress, I believe," said my mother. 

“ Whom I was prepared to save," I said, 
“ from a deserved perdition." 

My mother was silent for a moment. 

“ Is that all? " she said. 

“ How do you mean, all ? " I asked. 

“ I mean, may I go now ? " 

“ Oh, yes, yes," I said. “ Shut the door 
quietly, please; and I should like my shaving 
water in about an hour." 

Then I lay back quietly, closing my eyes in 
pain and rehearsing such speeches as would be 
necessary to put both Mr. Chrysostom Lorton 
and Ezekiel Stool in the full possession of the 
facts of the case. It would also be essential, I 
foresaw, to call a further special meeting of the 
Anti-Dramatic and Saltatory Union and to 
make a point of addressing, at the earliest 
opportunity, the Society for the Prevention 
of the Strong Drink Traffic. It would be equally 
important too, in my capacity of gap-filler, to 
prepare an explanatory petition for use at the 
local prayer-meetings, the majority of which 
had contributed members to last night's audience 
in the Porter Street Drill Hall. Yes, it was all 
coming back to me in its devilish ingenuity 


237 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

(for it had evidently been a plot on the part 
of Mr. Maidstone’s daughter), and she might 
depend upon it that if legal redress were possible, 
it should be extracted from her to the last 
farthing. 

But was it possible ? The more I considered 
it, the more doubtful I became. And even 
were it possible, would it be expedient? The 
condition of my head forbade an immediate 
answer. Indeed I was now the subject of a 
thirst so overwhelming that without pausing 
to summon my mother, I was obliged to quench 
it from the various receptacles within easy 
reach upon my wash-hand stand. I was pro¬ 
foundly shocked, too, by the aspect of my 
countenance, as this was disclosed to me by 
my looking-glass; and accustomed as I was to 
a frequently concealed tongue, I had never 
before seen it so deeply obscured. Even after 
I had shaved and dressed, indeed, I was a little 
doubtful as to whether I should be able to com¬ 
plete the journey to town. But I was deter¬ 
mined if possible not only to make the attempt, 
but to perform my usual afternoon duties. 
After a cup of tea therefore, and a fragment 
of dried herring, I ventured into the street and 
mounted an omnibus, arriving in Paternoster 
Row at about two o’clock to find Miss Botterill 
in charge of the show-room. 

“ Good afternoon,” I said. “ I have been 


238 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


the victim of a dastardly plot, or I should have 
been in my place this morning as usual/' 

“ Good afternoon," she replied, “ and please, 
Mr. Chrysostom said, would you go up to his 
room as soon as you arrived." 

“ Certainly," I said, “ and when I come down, 
Miss Botterill, I should like to see that counter 
looking a little tidier." 

Miss Botterill hesitated. 

“ I'm just rearranging it," she said. “ I 
propose in future to have it less crowded." 

I stared at her. 

“You propose what ? " I asked. 

“ I propose in future," she said, “ to have 
a bowl of flowers upon it and merely a very few 
of our latest books." 

Depleted as I felt, I yet retained command 
of myself. 

“ But, my dear Miss Botterill," I said, “ permit 
me to remind you that your duty is to obey 
and not propose. You will therefore kindly 
restore the counter to its previous appearance 
and remember in future that you are not show¬ 
room manager." 

“ But I am," she said. 

She continued her rearranging. 

Deprived of breath, I could only stand and 
watch her. 

Then I leapt forward and gripped her shoulder. 


239 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Oh, how dare you? " I cried. “ How dare 
you, woman? " 

She began to scream. But I declined to let 
her go until several of the clerks had emerged 
from the correspondence room. Then I flung 
her from me heavily, turned upon my heel, 
and instantly proceeded to Mr. Chrysostom's 
office. He was standing at the door. 

“ What's all this screaming ? " he said. 

“ I regret to say," I replied, “ that Miss 
Botterill has been insubordinate." 

“ Insubordinate ? " he said. “ And to whom, 
please? " 

“ To myself," I replied, “ as your represen¬ 
tative." 

“ Then kindly understand," he said, “ kindly 
understand, sir, that after last night-" 

I waved my hand. 

“ One moment," I said. “ It is to explain 
about last night that I have managed to force 
myself to come and see you." 

He distended his cheeks. 

“ Then you could have spared yourself the 
trouble," he said. “ I don't want to see your 
face again." 

“ But, my dear sir," I said. 

“I'm not your dear sir," he shouted. “I'm 
not your dear anything. I've no further use 
for you." 



240 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


But I held up my hand again. 

“ I must beg you to control yourself/' I said, 
“ until this unfortunate mishap has been fully 
explained to you." 

“ Mishap?" he said. "Do you call it a 
mishap, sir, to invite your employer to a religious 
gathering and leave him to be received by a thing 
like a stunted gorilla, because you're too drunk 
to stand by yourself? " 

“ But, my dear sir," I began. 

“ Don't say that again," he said. “ Don't 
say anything again. I don't want to hear it. 
You were drunk, sir. You were damnably 
drunk. You were so drunk that you fell off 
the platform." 

Involuntarily I winced, as who would not 
have done ? But once more I held up my hand. 

“ Mr. Lorton," I said, “ you have forgotten 
who I am, or such words could never have escaped 
you. And I was neither drunk, nor would have 
such a thing have been possible. I was merely 
suffering from deliberate port-poisoning." 

If anything, however, he became more violent. 

“ Port-poisoning ? " he bawled. “ What's 
port-poisoning ? Port isn't poison, sir. I drink 
it myself. In fact I was obliged, sir, to drink 
some of your own—an excellent port, sir, 
that probably saved my life." 

“ I regret to hear it," I said. “ But allow 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 241 

me to point out to you that the fluid you mention 
was not my own, and that I had been informed 
by its donors that it was a species of fruit squash, 
imported from Portugal and known as Portu- 
galade." 

“ But, good God, sir, there's no such thing." 

“ Precisely," I replied. “ That's my point." 

“ Your point?" he cried. “ What do you 
mean by your point ? " 

“ Why, that I was refreshed," I said, “ and 
subsequently disabled by a beverage that has 
no existence." 

“ Then you're a fool," he said. “You're 
either a knave, sir—a drunken knave—or a 
fool." 

“ Then am I to understand," I said, “ that I 
am no longer show-room manager? " 

“ You're no longer anything," he said, “ in 
any business of mine." 

I leaned against the wall. 

“ And you call yourself a Xtian gentleman ? " 
I said. 

“ I certainly do," he said, “ and I thank God 
for it." 

Then I stood erect again, dashing the tears 
from my eyes. He pulled out his handkerchief. 

“ Don't wet me," he said. 

“ It was inadvertent," I said. 

“ I'm glad to hear it," he replied. 

R 


242 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ And I apologize/' I said, “ to the moisture." 

For a moment he gaped at me, and little 
wonder. It was perhaps the crushingest remark 
in human history. 

“ I apologize," I said, “ to the moisture." 

Yes, it must have cut him to the quick. 

It was so crushing, indeed, that I repeated 
it to Miss Botterill. 

“ Miss Botterill," I said, “ I am leaving." 

"Yes, I know," she said. “ I knew before 
you came." 

“ May I beg," I replied, “ that you won't 
interrupt me." 

She was silent and I continued. 

" And one of my tears," I said, “ fell on Mr. 
Chrysostom." 

“ Oh dear," she said. “ Poor Mr. Chrysos¬ 
tom." 

“ So I apologized," I said. 

“ Quite right," she said. 

“ But not to Mr. Chrysostom," I said. “ I 
apologized to the moisture." 

“ To the moisture ? " she said. “ What 
moisture? " 

“ Why, to the moisture," I explained, “ of 
the tear." 

She stared at me with her mouth open. 

“ But what was the good of that ? " she asked. 
“ The moisture couldn't hear you." 


243 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ No. It couldn't hear me,” I said, “ it 
couldn't hear me, Miss Botterill. But don't 
you see that by apologizing to the moisture, I 
was conveying to Mr. Chrysostom, in the most 
trenchant way possible, my own opinion of his 
character." 

“ No, I don't," said Miss Botterill. “ I 
don't see it at all." 

“ Then I'll explain it," I said, “ over again." 

Just at that moment, however, a customer 
entered the show-room, and although I waited 
for several minutes, another customer entered 
the show-room just as the first was departing. 
I therefore decided to leave the premises, 
spurning them, as I did so, with my right foot, 
and it was not until I had already turned into 
Ludgate Hill that I suddenly remembered my 
unused weapon. Mrs. Chrysostom Lorton—I 
had utterly forgotten her. Indeed I had never 
seen her since my first interview. But she had 
always been there, of course—there in the back¬ 
ground—ready to be used in an emergency 
like this. I stopped short. Yes, I had forgotten 
her. But to have remembered her was to act 
at once. For there could be no doubt about it. 
It would be wholly impossible for her to afford 
to sit still and have me dismissed. I therefore 
advanced to the kerb-stone and hailed an omni¬ 
bus, and within half an hour of conceiving the 


244 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

idea was in a third-class carriage leaving Liver¬ 
pool Street Station upon my second visit to 
Enfield. Depressed as I was, too, both physic¬ 
ally and mentally, in spite of my crushing 
rejoinder to Mr. Chrysostom, my spirits per¬ 
ceptibly rose as I neared my destination, 
stimulated by the memory of my previous 
triumph. For though a good many years 
had now elapsed since I last stood in that 
lascivious boudoir, Time had not dimmed the 
spiritual victory that it had been my privilege to 
gain there. 

It was with an eye, therefore, comparatively 
clear that I once more approached Paternoster 
Towers and with a hand almost steady that I 
again knocked at its front door. Nor was 
the strange parlourmaid that received my card 
and presently conducted me to Mrs. Chrysos¬ 
tom's room appreciably less respectful in her 
demeanour than the gentle domestic that had 
first received me. But the room itself, apart 
from its floor, which was now almost lecherous 
in its degree of polish, was so transformed that 
for several moments I could scarcely believe 
myself in the same apartment. Gone was the 
French-looking writing-table with its reflected 
legs. Gone was the nude huntress with the 
splinter in her calf. Gone was the oval mirror 
with its indelicate Cupids. Gone even was the 


245 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

photograph signed Your aff. Chrysostom. Nay, 
gone was the very couch with its sensuous 
cushions, and in its place stood a low divan, 
padded it was true, and not uncomfortably, 
but cushioned and draped with the sombrest 
purple. 

There hung upon the walls, too, what were 
apparently lists of commandments, engraved 
upon parchment in foreign characters, while 
in each angle of the room stood a sort of shrine 
containing an alabaster image and an electric 
candle. Moreover, although it was still daylight, 
the curtains were drawn; a casket of incense 
swung from the ceiling; and between the lists 
of commandments, hung various religious imple¬ 
ments, phylacteries, wands, and sacrificial 
knives. 

Profound, and indeed disturbing, however, 
as were the changes in the room, those in Mrs. 
Chrysostom were even more remarkable, although 
in actual appearance she had altered very little 
since I had last been obliged to interview her. 
It was just conceivable, in fact, that for less 
disciplined eyes she might still have retained 
a certain attraction, not unenhanced by the 
severity of her gown and the sober arrange¬ 
ment of her hair. Parted at the side, this now 
fell over her brow in a single yellowish-coloured 
wave, while her dark dress—it was still clinging, 


246 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

I noticed—was unadorned in every respect. 
Her whole mien, too, was entirely different, 
and as she drooped, as it were, into the room, 
she extended her hand to me with a sort of 
grave surprise, as if I had been some stranger 
whom she had never seen. 

“ How do you do ? " she said, sinking upon 
the divan. “ This is my little temple. Won't 
you sit down? " 

I glanced about me. 

“ I can't offer you a chair," she said. “ But 
you'll find my prayer-mat just behind you." 

Just as I put my heel upon it, however, it 
began to slip, and leaning over, she put her finger 
upon it. 

“ Let me hold it," she said, “ while you lower 
yourself. I once had a visitor who lost two 
of his trouser-buttons." 

“ It was myself," I said. 

She looked at me steadfastly. 

“ But surely," she said, “ I haven't seen you 
before? " 

I bowed to her gravely. 

“ You certainly have," I said. 

She lifted her eyebrows a little. 

“ But can that be possible ? " she asked. 

“ It is not only possible," I said, “ but it 
actually happened." 

Her tapering forefinger touched my knee. 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 247 

“Then forgive me/’ she said, “but, if I 
may venture to say so, hasn’t Time been 
exceedingly kind to you? ” 

I stared at her. 

“ I don’t quite follow,” I said. 

“ No, of course not,” she said, “ your modesty 
would forbid it. But I can scarcely conceive 
that, if such had not been the case, I should 
have failed to remember you.” 

“ Of course I have matured,” I said. 

She nodded imperceptibly. 

“ That is what I meant,” she said. “ I 
think you must have.” 

“ But it is rather about the future,” I said,*' 
“ than the past that I have been obliged to call 
upon you this afternoon.” 

Her eyes became dreamy, although they were 
still fixed upon me. 

“ Ah, the future,” she said, “ the unknown 
future.” 

“ And you will be sorry to hear,” I said, 
“ that owing to a misunderstanding, Mr. Chrysos¬ 
tom has requested me to leave.” 

“ Do you mean my husband? ” she asked. 

“ Why, of course,” I replied. 

“ Dear Chrysostom,” she said. “ This is 
some of his hair.” 

She showed me a small locket containing 
the article mentioned. 


248 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ I am compelled to remind you,” I said, 
“ that you were not always so affectionate.” 

“ No, that’s true,” she said, “ that’s very 
true. But happily I also have matured.” 

I stared at her again, a trifle uneasily. 

“Then perhaps you have forgotten,” I said, 
“ your friend Septimus ? ” 

“ Completely,” she said. “ Was there one ? ” 

Had the floor been less slippery, I should have 
risen to my feet. 

“ Mr. Septimus Lorton,” I said, “ your hus¬ 
band’s brother.” 

“ You mean the one,” she said, “ that’s just 
passed on ? ” 

“ Passed on? ” I replied. “ Where to? ” 

She waved her hands towards several of the 
shrines. 

“ Ah, if we but knew,” she said, “if we but 
knew, Mr. Carp.” 

“ But do you mean to tell me,” I cried, “ that 
he’s defunct? ” 

“ Run over,” she said, “ last week.” 

For a moment, I must confess, I was a little 
taken aback. 

“ But that doesn’t alter the fact,” I said, 
“ that he was your lover.” 

“ Very likely not,” she said. “ I don’t 
remember. But I daresay you’re right. There 
have been so many.” 


249 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ But do you mean to say,” I asked, " that 
there has been more than one ? ” 

“ Oh far, far more than one,” she said. 

I began to rise again, and she put her finger 
on the mat. 

“ Let me hold it,” she said, “ while you get 
up.” 

This she did, and after a certain amount of 
difficulty, I once more towered above her. 

“ But your husband? ” I said. “ Does your 
husband know?” 

“ Everything,” she said. “ In fact, all.” 

I took a deep breath, followed by another. 

“ But what did he say? ” I asked at last. 

She closed her eyes for a moment. 

“ Fm afraid I oughtn't to tell you,” she said. 
“ You see, since then I've embraced religion.” 

“ Religion? ” I said. “ What religion? ” 

“ Every religion,” she said. “ I've embraced 
them all.” 

“ But how could you do that ? ” I asked. 

“ Oh, there was no difficulty,” she said. 
“ It has always been natural to me to embrace.” 

I glanced round the room. 

“ But certain religions,” I said, “ involve the 
slaughter of human beings.” 

“ Yes, I know,” she said. “ I've included 
them. That's why those knives are hanging 
on the wall.” 


250 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ But surely you don’t practise them ? ” I said. 

“ No, they’re cancelled out,” she said, “ by 
the religions that forbid the taking of life.” 

“ But it seems to me,” I said, “ that, at that 
rate, all your religions cancel each other out.” 

“ Yes,” she replied. “ That’s what it often 
seems to me.” 

“ But then you haven’t a religion at all? ” 

“ Well, I sometimes doubt it,” she said. 
“ I often wonder if I did the right thing in em¬ 
bracing them ? ” 

It was not to discuss her religion, however, 
that I had journeyed to Enfield, as I was now 
somewhat tartly obliged to remind her. 

“ And you seem to be forgetting,” I added, 
“ that I’ve just been dismissed from the employ¬ 
ment you were compelled to find me.” 

“ Yes, I know,” she said. “ But why should 
I remember it ? ” 

“ Because you might prefer,” I said, “ to get 
the decision altered.” 

She lifted her eyes to me. 

“ Prefer it to what ? ” she enquired. 

“ Why, to permitting your husband,” I said, 
“ to hear from my lips the story of your relations 
with his brother Septimus.” 

“ Oh, but I don’t mind that,” she said, “ now 
that I’ve repented. And besides, as I told you, 
I’d forgotten all about it.” 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 251 

With growing uneasiness, I took another deep 
breath. 

“ But surely you’re not prepared,” I said, 
“ to let me tell him? ” 

“ On the contrary,” she said, “ I should 
welcome it, though I doubt if it would interest 
him after all the others.” 

I began to sway a little. 

“ But, my dear Mrs. Chrysostom,” I said, 
“ if you behave like that, I shall remain dis¬ 
missed.” 

“ But surely, Mr. Carp,” she answered, “ and 
I can see you’re a good man, it’s the only 
behaviour consistent with repentance.” 

I pulled out my handkerchief and wiped my 
forehead. 

“ Then you wouldn’t speak a word,” I asked, 
“ on my behalf? ” 

She shook her head gently. 

“It is one of my rules,” she said, “ never to 
interfere with dear Chrysostom’s business.” 

I glanced round the room again. My hat 
was on one of the shrines. 

“ And you haven’t yet told me,” she said, 
“ that you’re glad I’ve repented.” 

“ Oh, I am,” I said. “ I am glad.” 

“ Then I mustn’t detain you,” she said. 
“ Mind the polish.” 


CHAPTER XVIII 


Physical reaction following my interview with Mrs. Chry¬ 
sostom. Reception of a wreath from the Maidstones. 
Moving excerpt from Simeon’s diary. I decide to marry 
one of Ezekiel’s sisters. Interview with Ezekiel and his 
deplorable language. Tact is selected to become my 
bride. Tragic return to Mon Repos. I fall unconscious, 
parallel to my father. 

Glad as I was, however, and indeed, as a Xtian 
gentleman, glad as I was compelled to be that 
Mrs. Chrysostom had repented, it was never¬ 
theless a penitence that in respect of myself 
was little short of disastrous. And even now 
it is with the utmost difficulty that I can look 
back upon the weeks that followed. Deprived 
of my living; already nearing thirty; and the 
subject, as I soon found, of the grossest mis- 
judgment—such was my prostration that for 
nearly three weeks, I was confined to my bed¬ 
room, if not to my bed. For two or three days, 
in fact, I doubted if I could recover, a doubt 
that was shared by my dear father; while a 
small wreath, sent by the Maidstones, was 
actually delivered at the house. Whether this 
was despatched under a misapprehension; 

252 


253 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

whether it was the symbol of a genuine contri¬ 
tion; or whether it was merely a sop to an 
uneasy conscience, will probably never be deter¬ 
mined. And I refrained from acknowledging 
it until I had come to a decision as to the possi¬ 
bilities of legal action. After a prolonged 
interview, however, with Mr. Balfour Whey, 
and in view of my poor father’s unhappy 
experiences, it was regretfully decided that the 
British judiciary was too uncertain to be relied 
upon; and in a brief sentence, therefore, at 
the beginning of a letter, I informed Miss 
Maidstone of its safe arrival. The remainder 
of the letter, of which I still have a copy, was 
perhaps the severest exposure of a female 
character that has ever been penned, with the 
possible exception of certain passages in the 
Book of Revelation. 

Another document, of which I have a copy, 
and which was also indited by me, while in bed, 
was rendered necessary by the widespread 
local confusion between acute port-poisoning 
and ordinary inebriation—a confusion accen¬ 
tuated, and indeed never wholly dispersed, 
owing to the despicable attitude of Mr. Chrysos¬ 
tom. Thanks to the generosity, however, of 
my kind friend Simeon Whey, who had not been 
present at the meeting, I was enabled to print 
several hundreds of these for personal and 


254 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


vicarious distribution, agents being posted, upon 
the following Sunday, at the doors of St. Nicholas, 
Newington Butts, and, during the ensuing week, 
at the exits and entrances of all my habitual 
haunts of prayer. In so far as I knew their 
addresses, too, the pamphlet was sent by post 
to the members of the A.D.S.U. and S.P.S.D.T., 
and to such other persons as might reasonably 
have been presumed to have been present at 
the Porter Street Drill Hall. 

For the most part, however, I lay for long 
hours either comatose or actually asleep, all 
my meals being brought to my bedside and 
consumed in a semi-recumbent posture. Nor, 
had they come, should I have been able to receive 
visitors, although I made an exception in favour 
of Simeon Whey, who bicycled from Balham 
every Wednesday and Saturday, not only as a 
friend but also as a clergyman. Indeed in many 
ways I found his ministrations more soothing 
than those of my father, who had transferred 
both his bible and the harmonium from the 
parlour downstairs to my bedroom. His voice, 
however, though still very powerful, was much 
more uncertain than it used to be, and I was 
usually obliged, after about three-quarters of 
an hour, to ask him to desist from further 
vocalization. 

So the days passed, one after another, and 


2 55 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

each a little longer than the one before; and 
although I endeavoured to summon, and I trust 
not unsuccessfully, the whole of my accumu¬ 
lated spiritual reserves, it was only by an effort 
that many would have judged superhuman 
that I began almost imperceptibly to regain 
my strength. Indeed, to at least one observer 
the spectacle I was now presenting was so 
fractionally short of a miracle that, as he wrote 
in his diary (for it was none other than Simeon) 
it “ will never cease to be an inspiration to me/’ 
But let me quote the whole passage, written 
after I had been in bed for about a fortnight. 

“ To-day/' he wrote, “ I have again visited 
my poor friend, Augustus Carp, who is still 
laid aside on the bed of complete exhaustion 
as the result of the deception that I have already 
described; and more than ever, as I perceived 
him lying there, did I regret my absence from 
the meeting in question. Visibly flushed, 
although this may perhaps have been due to 
the imperfect absorption of a recent meal, his 
eyes were focussed upon a point in the ceiling 
with an almost tragic intensity, and the mute 
endurance with which he awaits the future will 
never cease to be an inspiration to me. Nor 
will he fail, as it seems to me, to need it. For 
with his chief means of sustenance rent away 
from him, it will probably become obligatory 


256 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

for him, as he has faintly whispered to me, to 
marry one of the sisters of Ezekiel Stool.” 

That is the whole passage, and I have thought 
well to include it not only as an encouragement 
to the afflicted but also as an indication of the 
poignant decision to which I was now slowly 
being forced, for, as I had instantly feared on 
leaving Mrs. Chrysostom, and as I had since 
perceived, alas, only too distinctly, I was face 
to face with just such a catastrophe as marriage 
with a Stool had been kept in reserve for. Nor 
had I been able to discern, bitterly though I 
had sought for it, any practicable alternative— 
or none that would preserve me from the personal 
indignity of applying for fresh employment 
without adequate references. 

Any such employment, too, even if I were to 
obtain it, would inevitably be associated with 
a loss of income that would seriously cripple me 
in those fuller religious duties for which I was so 
evidently being prepared. Foi this at any 
rate had become abundantly clear to me— 
and indeed it was the sheet anchor by which I 
clung to life—that I could not but emerge from 
such an abyss of suffering enormously the richer 
in strength of character. More than ever, 
therefore, would it be desirable in future not 
only that I should be immune from financial 
anxiety but that I should have at my disposal 






























































































































































































































































































































































































































































































257 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

a larger amount of leisure for my more sacred 
avocations. Indeed, if this were possible, I 
felt that henceforward I should be entirely 
freed from the necessity for money-making, 
and thereby liberated for the completer uplifting 
of all with whom I might be brought into 
contact. 

Such then were the conclusions to which I 
had been driven, and which I would already 
have communicated to Ezekiel, had the latter 
visited me on what Simeon has so well described 
as the bed of complete exhaustion. Since I 
had been carried from the meeting, however, 
to Miss Maidstone's vehicle—it was her two 
brothers who had borne me home—I had neither 
looked upon Ezekiel's face nor received a message 
from his lips; and this in spite of the fact that 
I had sent him six of my pamphlets for his own 
use and that of his sisters. I therefore decided, 
when I had accumulated sufficient strength— 
and this was not for another fortnight—to 
visit him in my own person, though naturally 
I did so with considerable reluctance. 

Nor can I say that I was agreeably impressed 
either by his reception of me or his subsequent 
attitude, in which I could not but detect a good 
deal of that arrogance lately so manifest in his 
character. It was quite clear, however, that 
the subject of my errand did not take him by 
s 


258 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


surprise, and indeed he assured me, almost at 
once, that he had been expecting it for some days. 
He then remained silent with his back to his 
fire and continued to stare at me rather offen¬ 
sively. 

“ Do you mind,” I said, “ if I sit down ? ” 

“ Not at all,” he replied. “ You can do as you 
please.” 

I therefore did so, but so distant was his manner 
that it was difficult to reconcile it, as I immedi¬ 
ately pointed out to him, either with his duty 
as a Xtian or his privileges as an host. 

“ In fact, you appear to have forgotten,” 
I said, “ though I pray I may be wrong, that I 
was once the means of saving your life.” 

He breathed unpleasantly through his right 
nostril. 

“ Very possibly,” he said. “ But to what 
end ? To the deliberate ruination of the A .D.S. U. 
and all my prospects of marrying Miss Moon¬ 
beam.” 

“ But, my dear Ezekiel,” I began. 

He interrupted me coldly. 

“ I must beg you in future,” he said, “ to 
call me Mr. Stool.” 

I stared at him. 

“ Call you Mr. Stool,” I gasped, “ after all 
these years of impassioned friendship? ” 

He waved his hand. 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 259 

“ I repudiate them,” he said. “ I repudiate 
them in their entirety.” 

I drew myself up to a right angle with my 
lap. 

“ But, Mr. Stool,” I said, “ surely you must 
realize the enormous magnitude of your escape ? ” 

“ Escape ? ” he said. “ Escape from what ? ” 

“ Why, from the wickedness,” I replied, 
“ that I have been the means of revealing to 
you in the bottomless depths of Miss Moon¬ 
beam’s heart.” 

He blew away the hair from before his lips. 

“ But I shouldn’t have been marrying her 
wickedness,” he said. “ I should have been 
marrying herself.” 

“ Herself? ” I cried. “ But you don’t mean 
to tell me that you were attached to her as a 
female? ” 

“ Yes, I do,” he said. “ Intensely. I was 
intensely attached to her as a female.” 

“ But then, if you had married her,” I said, 
“ it wouldn’t have been a sacrifice.” 

“ How do you know? ” he said. “ How do 
you know it wouldn’t? ” 

“ Why, because you’d have liked it,” I said. 
“ You’d have liked marrying her.” 

“ Well, of course,” he replied. “ And some 
people like sacrificing.” 

“ But, my dear Mr. Stool,” I began, “ now 


S 2 


260 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

that her wickedness has been revealed to 
you-" 

" I don't care a damn," he said, “ about her 
wickedness." 

Had I been stronger, I should have leapt to 
my feet. 

“ You don't care a what? " I asked. 

“ A damn," he said. 

“ A damn ? " I cried. 

“ Yes, a damn," he repeated. 

I leaned back, closing my eyes. 

“ Yes, and I've said worse things." 

I opened them again. 

“ I've said bally and hell and blow." 

He paused for a moment. 

“ And I've said blast. That's the sort of 
man, Mr. Carp, that you've turned me into." 

“ But, my dear Mr. Stool," I said, “ as your 
future brother-in-law-" 

“ Yes. But I'm not at all sure," he said, 
“ that you will be." 

Had I been erect, I should certainly have 
fallen. And indeed, as it was, I barely retained 
consciousness. 

“ But, Ezekiel," I cried, “ Mr. Stool, surely 
you haven't forgotten your word of honour." 

“ No, I haven't," he said. “ I haven't. 
But then you were a man without moral stain." 

“ And am I not now? " I asked. “ Am I not 




261 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

now, Mr. Stool? Is the victim soiled by the 
criminal's guilt? Is the pioneer, drawn from 
the morass, responsible for his temporary dis¬ 
coloration ? " 

He was silent for a moment, but in so far as 
it was visible, his expression was far from reas¬ 
suring. Then he rang the bell, and Tact entered 
the room. She was the less attractive of the 
two twins. 

“ That's the one," he said. “ I made them 
draw lots. But you can only marry her on one 
condition—that you sign an agreement to live 
north of the Thames and make a home for her 
four sisters." 

He tilted his chin a little and put his hands 
in his pockets. A distant dog barked three 
times. With a supreme effort I clung to my 
senses. 

“ Do you mean all," I whispered, “ including 
Faith?" 

Faith was the least attractive of the three 
triplets. 

“ All or none," he said. 

He pulled out his watch. 

I could hear it ticking. 

“ Why did you do that ? " I asked. 

“ I'm giving you a minute," he said, “ in 
which to decide." 

Faint though I was, I staggered to my feet. 


262 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


“ Then as a Xtian," I said, “ no less than a 
gentleman-" 

“ Thirty seconds/' he said. 

" I'll take her." 

He replaced his watch, and I took Tact's 
hand. All the female Stools have poor circu¬ 
lations. 

“ So we'll be getting married," I said, “ in 
due course." 

“ Yes," she said. “ That'll be very nice." 

Then her four sisters, who had evidently been 
waiting outside, came and shook hands with me 
with expressions of delight, and Ezekiel informed 
me that his solicitor would be in attendance 
the next morning. 

I bowed a little stiffly. 

“ I shall be here," I said, and Ezekiel replied 
that he had no doubt of it. 

Then I shook hands again with Tact and 
her sisters, bidding them good-bye for the 
present; and they bade me good-bye, also for 
the present, adding that they would be seeing 
me to-morrow. 

“ Yes, to-morrow," I said. “ I'll be seeing you 
to-morrow." 

“ Then we'll say good-bye," they said, “ till 
to-morrow." 

“ Yes, till to-morrow," I said, “ to-morrow 
morning," 



263 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Then well say good-bye,'' they said, “ till 
to-morrow morning/' 

Nor did I fail to keep the appointment, 
though little did I dream, as I groped for the 
door, that not even yet had I been called upon 
to face the ultimate temperature of my refining 
fire. For hardly had I arrived, somewhat 
fresher than I expected, at the garden gate 
of Mon Repos when there staggered up to it a 
railway omnibus, congested to the limit of 
its legal capacity. Deformed with luggage 
and distended with females, a single glance was 
sufficient to paralyse me, though less on my own 
account than on that of my father, who now 
stood transfixed on the doorstep. Then he 
gave a small cry of the extremest pathos, and 
as my mother's eight sisters descended to the 
pavement, he fell forward upon the garden 
path, never to rise again. 

But it was too much even for me, shaken as 
I had been to my very foundations, and turning 
my back and covering my eyes from that 
hurrying, Welsh-speaking female flood, I fell 
forward parallel to my father, though with my 
head in the opposite direction. 


CHAPTER XIX 


Commencement of my life’s afternoon. My father’s eight 
sisters-in-law return to Wales. Astounding attitude of 
my mother. Physical effect thereof on myself. I move 
to Stoke Newington. Further parochial activities. 
Simeon Whey obtains a living. I move to Hornsey and 
become a Churchwarden. Complete decline of Ezekiel 
Stool. Birth of my son. A happy augury. 

Yes, I fell down; Nature could stand no more; 
and a discerning Providence, relenting at last, 
mercifully granted me a moment’s oblivion 
while my mother’s eight sisters swept over me. 
But I was never to be the same man again; 
and I have always regarded that unconscious 
moment as definitely conducting me into what 
has happily proved the long afternoon of my 
life. For it must not be thought that I am 
repining, or that, looking back over the inter¬ 
vening years, I am anything but grateful for 
that final ordeal, through which my character 
was required to pass. On the contrary— 
post tenebras lux 1 —as I have often remarked 
to my wife and her sisters, I can only thank 
Heaven that I was considered worthy of so 
prolonged and fierce a discipline. 

1 After darkness light. 

264 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 265 

Nor do I propose, as I now turn, in this the final 
chapter of my book, to the quiet contemplation 
of the fruitful activities with which my later 
life has been concerned—nor do I propose, I say, 
to linger unduly over the tragic incidents just 
recorded. Defeated in their object by what 
I have since been informed was the rupture of 
an important cerebral artery, my father’s eight 
murderesses—for such in fact they were—were 
obliged to return again to Llanpwhllanpwh, 
though not until they had compelled me, on 
pain of attending his funeral, to purchase their 
tickets out of my father’s estate. 

Much more difficult, however, was the problem 
of my mother, who had thus unexpectedly 
survived her husband, and for whom I was 
therefore obliged, as I had promised my father, 
to make some sort of provision. This was the 
more harassing, too, in that my father’s savings 
had been practically obliterated by his law costs, 
thereby reducing my own inheritance to the bare 
sum for which he had been insured. Further 
diminished by an iniquitous taxation, the settle¬ 
ment of bills, and the expenses of his interment, 
I was thus faced, in respect of my mother, with 
a singularly annoying predicament—and this 
at the very moment when my attention was 
fully occupied with the details of my wedding. 
Great was my satisfaction, therefore, when my 


266 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

fiancee, with an intelligence as welcome as it 
was unexpected, suggested that my mother 
should continue her previous functions in the 
house that we had procured at Stoke Newington. 
She would thus not only be assured of food and 
shelter, but would enjoy the additional satis¬ 
faction of enabling us to dispense, in our new 
home, with the paid services of a cook. 

“ A good idea,” I cried, “ an excellent idea,” 
and I remember Tact’s pleasure when I gave 
her a kiss. So astounding, however, was my 
mother’s reception of the plan that I was obliged 
to sit down for several minutes, while the scene 
recurred to me in the form of a nightmare on 
at least three occasions during the following 
fortnight. 

“ No,” said my mother. “ I’m very sorry, 
Augustus. But my future arrangements won’t 
permit of it.” 

I stared at her. 

“ Your future arrangements? ” I said. 

“ Yes,” she replied. “ I’m going to take a 
holiday.” 

It was then that I sat down. 

“ Take a holiday? ” I asked. 

“ Yes, a holiday,” she said. “ Don’t you 
think it’s time? ” 

“ But, my dear mother,” I said, “ what do 
you want a holiday for ? ” 


267 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Why, just to see/' she replied, “ what it's 
like." 

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks. 

“ But, my dear mother/' I said, “ I can't 
consent to that." 

She folded her hands, not very agreeably. 

“ Then I'm afraid," she said, “ that I shall 
have to go without." 

I looked at her. 

“ Go without ? " I asked. “ But you can't. 
You haven't any money." 

She smiled a little. 

“ Oh, yes, I have," she said. “ Quite suffi¬ 
cient for my purpose." 

I bent forward for a moment, struggling for 
breath. 

“Sufficient for your purpose?" I asked. 
“ But where did you get it ? " 

“ Oh, I've always saved a bit," she said, 
“ and taken good advice, and I bought an 
annuity yesterday morning." 

“ An annuity? " I repeated. “ You've saved 
enough for that ? " 

“ Yes, and a little more," she said, “ to play 
about with." 

“ But, my dear mother," I said, “ what did 
you save it out of ? " 

“ Out of my housekeeping money," she said. 
“ I made it rather a hobby." 


268 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 


I rose to my feet again. 

" Then what it amounts to,” I said, “ is 
that you've been robbing my poor father.” 

" I think not,” she said, " though you can 
consult Mr. Balfour Whey, of course. But you 
must remember that Tve had no wages.” 

"Wages?” I cried. "But you weren't a 
servant.” 

" No, that's true,” she said. " I was only a 
wife.” 

" And a mother,” I reminded her. "You 
seem to forget that.” 

" Not at all,” she replied. " I remember it 
distinctly.” 

I looked at her sternly. 

" Then am I to understand,” I asked, " that 
you entirely refuse to accept my offer? ” 

" Yes, I'm afraid so,” she said. " I'm going 
to Paris, and then to a little place on the 
Riviera.” 

I resumed my seat rather heavily. 

" To Paris? ” I said. " But you don't know 
the language.” 

" Pas trop,’ ' she said, " mats ga suffit. And 
besides, I shall be staying with Emily Smith.” 

Totally unmanned, I wiped my forehead. 

" But I thought she was in service,” I said, 
" in Aberdeen.” 

My mother smiled again. 


269 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Oh, no," she replied. “ She's running an 
hotel near Bordighera." 

Then, as the room rocked, I clutched at the 
arms of my chair. 

“ I’m feeling unwell," I said. “ I'm going 
to be sick." 

“ Yes, I was afraid," said my mother, “ that 
you might be. You oughtn't to have eaten 
quite so much dinner." 

Thus with a heartlessness only the more 
incredible in view of the atmosphere with which 
she had been surrounded, my mother withdrew 
from her son’s life, needless to say never to 
re-enter it; and we were consequently obliged 
to procure a professional cook at a not incon¬ 
siderable monthly wage. 

Apart from this, however, after a satisfactory 
wedding service, adequately conducted by the 
Reverend Simeon Whey, the earlier years of 
my matrimonial life may be passed over without 
particular comment. Subject to my agreement 
with Ezekiel, who was now deteriorating almost 
every day, I had obtained, as I have said, a 
house at Stoke Newington, within easy distance 
of St. Gregory's Church. Here, like my father, 
I soon made myself a sidesman, and within 
three or four months of joining the congregation, 
I had become the means of distributing the 
parish magazine in Longfellow Crescent and 


270 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

Byron Square. From that it was but a step 
to auditing the accounts of the Band of Hope 
and the Additional Blanket Fund, and in a very 
few years I was perhaps the most prominent 
figure in the parochial life of St. Gregory's. 
Nor must it be supposed that I had entirely 
severed myself from all my previous regenerative 
interests. From the Anti-Dramatic and Sal¬ 
tatory Union it was true that I had deemed it 
better to resign, and indeed this body, lacking 
the support of Ezekiel, concluded its activities 
shortly afterwards. But I still retained my 
membership of the Non-Smokers' League, and 
for some years have been its deputy chairman, 
while I had had myself transferred, on moving 
to Stoke Newington, to the Dalston Division 
of the S.P.S.D.T. 

Perhaps the happiest day, however, of this 
period of my life, and the one that finally led me 
to my present abode, was the October Saturday 
on which I heard from Simeon Whey that he 
had obtained the living of St. Potamus, Hornsey. 
As this was only achieved after long years of 
practically ceaseless struggle, he wept in my 
arms, I remember, for nearly an hour, my wife 
and her sisters adding contributory tears. 

“ Nor will my happiness," he said, “ be com¬ 
plete—kck—until I have seen the name of 
Augustus Carp publicly inscribed—kck—on the 


271 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

church notice board, as one of the churchwardens 
of my parish/' 

Without delay, therefore, I resolved to trans¬ 
fer my worship to the church presided over by 
my friend, and within six months, I had obtained 
the ten years' tenancy of Wilhelmina, Nassing- 
ton Park Gardens. This I have since renewed, 
and as sidesman, churchwarden, Sunday School 
superintendent and secretary of the Glee Club, 
no less than as President of the St. Potamus 
Purity League, I could scarcely have done 
otherwise. And indeed I rather fear that were 
I to suggest leaving, I should be forcibly pre¬ 
vented by my fellow-parishioners. My wife 
and her sisters, too, as they have frequently 
told me, have never regretted leaving Camber¬ 
well, slightly disturbed, as they have occasion¬ 
ally been, by the acute decline of their brother 
Ezekiel. 

They have seldom seen him, however, and 
then but accidentally, and as for myself I have 
only met him once, when I chanced to encounter 
him at the entrance of the Albany, where, as 
I understood, he then had chambers. Com¬ 
pletely shaved and evidently massaged, he was 
flicking a particle of dust from his left coat- 
sleeve, and on catching sight of me, he surveyed 
me through a monocle with a thin gold chain 
and a tortoiseshell rim. 


272 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

“ Hullo, Carp/' he said. “ Taxi/' and a taxi 
being present, I was spared from replying. 

Nor have I been denied—albeit it was not 
until a year ago that Providence saw fit to 
reward my efforts—the crowning satisfaction 
of becoming the father of a, small, but still 
surviving, boy; and the happiest auguries, 
I think, can safely be discerned in the circum¬ 
stances surrounding his birth. Indeed so amaz¬ 
ingly similar were these to those ushering in 
my own that I cannot do better, perhaps, 
than close this volume with a scene from which 
my readers, I hope, will derive as intense a joy 
as that which was conferred upon myself. 

Born at half-past three on a February morn¬ 
ing, the world having been decked with a slight 
snowfall, it was then that the trained nurse 
in attendance on the case opened the bedroom 
door and emerged on the landing. I had gone 
outside to lean over the gate, and was still 
leaning there when she opened the door, but 
Faith and Hope, with Simeon Whey's house¬ 
keeper, were standing with bowed heads at 
the foot of the stairs. Prone in the parlour, 
and stretched in uneasy attitudes, Charity and 
Understanding were snatching a troubled sleep, 
while two female members of the St. Potamus 
Purity League were upon their knees in the back 
kitchen. But for the fact indeed that Charity 


273 


AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

and Understanding had slight impediments 
in their noses, the whole house would have been 
wrapped in the profoundest stillness. 

Simeon Whey's housekeeper was the first to 
see the nurse, though she only saw her, as it 
were, through a mist. The nurse was the first 
to speak in a voice tremulous with emotion. 

“ Where's Mr. Carp? " she said. 

“ He's just gone outside," said Simeon Whey's 
housekeeper. 

Something splashed heavily on the hall 
linoleum. It was a drop of moisture from the 
nurse's forehead. 

“ Tell him," she said, “ that he's the father 
of a son." 

Simeon Whey's housekeeper gave a great 
cry. I was beside her in a single leap. Always 
highly coloured, I have since been assured that 
my face seemed literally on fire. The two 
fellow-members of the St. Potamus Purity 
League, accompanied by Charity and Under¬ 
standing, rushed into the hall. The nurse 
leaned over the banisters. 

“ A boy," she said. “ It's a boy." 

“ A boy? " I said. 

“ Yes, a boy," said the nurse. 

There was a moment's hush, and then Nature 
had its way. Unashamedly I burst into tears. 
Simeon Whey's housekeeper kissed me on the 


274 AUGUSTUS CARP, ESQ. 

neck just as the two fellow-members burst 
into a hymn; and a moment later. Charity and 
Understanding burst simultaneously into the 
doxology. Then I recovered myself and held 
up my hand. 

“ I shall call him Augustus,” I said, “ after 
myself.” 

“ Or tin? ” suggested Simeon Whey's house¬ 
keeper. “ What about calling him tin, after 
the saint? ” 

“ How do you mean tin ? ” I said. 

“ Augus-tin,” said Charity. 

But I shook my head. 

“ No, it shall be tus,” I said. " Tus is better 
than tin.” 

Then Charity and Understanding resumed the 
singing, from which the two fellow-members 
had been unable to desist, until after rapidly 
thinking, and coming to a further decision, I 
once again held up my hand. 

“ And I shall give Simeon Whey,” I said, 
“ the first opportunity of becoming Augustus's 
godfather.” 

Then I took a deep breath, threw back my 
shoulders, tilted my chin, and closed my eyes; 
and with the full vigour of my immense voice, 
I too joined in the doxology. 


THE END 


Made and Printed in Great Britain. 
Richard Clay & Sons, Limited, 
Printers, Bungay, Suffolk. 







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